Heads up! This disclaimer has been removed due to [redacted]. You may find content that you deem [redacted]. Which could cause [redacted] [redacted] to your [redacted]. All [redacted] should excercise caution when [redacted]. I am considering becoming a political extremist
#816 - 2025/08/08
people deserve irl communities
it builds reliance because it turns your social communities into things that can only be reached via their platforms which forces you to stay on them and get addicted and not have any other ways to fill that void if you quit, etc etc, that's my current stance
being saki is crazy cuz you have like 4 other people (two of which are your bandmates) that you are inseperably bounded to and are obsessed withj you
the avemygo character paralells and stages of grief crychic theory is crazy
#815 - 2025/08/06
i will not elabborate
#814 - 2025/08/06
always sorry for everything, worrying about everything, that's my "true self"
scattershot skeptical thoughts of doubts and apologies, not resolved and not complete
i did a songwriting thing earlier so we have 9 out of the eleven songs done. haha 9/11 roflcopter so funny
i dont trust anyone why
#813 - 2025/08/06
this means i am doomed to sufer or other people are if it is just subjective why what
"it can't be perfect" i'm sure it can be better than this
28 days
#812 - 2025/08/04
#811 - 2025/08/03
"so it seams" -a clothes shop that gives agreeable but ultimately vague responses
#810 - 2025/08/03
the vocafest i thought was really small and quiet until i realised that was a pre-show. the actual show was more hype but not quite as good as the hyperjapan energy. i did get a recording of me shouting KASANE TETO!!!!! though, even though teto Was Not There
found some drawing of an honorary livechat member /reference
then i did some karaoke until like 6pm (not that long), sung haruhikage and gira gira but i realised i wasn't really looking people in the eyes. my performance was ok but i was dehydrated. i did get applause and people seemed to like it though, i think i did RELATIVELY well, but i'd like to improve and see the energy in my fans' eyes instead of averting my gaze. it's not just stageright though - i think i've gotten over that. i jsut shave a tendance tot not look at people in general. i look away from them when talking unless it's like. my mother. yeah that's weird. anyway speaking of my mother (AWESOME SEGWAY)
a "character interaction" that i had which i rather enjoyed in a metanarrative sense:
me: *laying in a weird pose on the sofa*
mum: i could take quite a dramatic picture of you right now!
me: nah dont. do it if i was in diferent clo--- actually nah do it
my mum: *SNAP!!!*
my mum: shows me the photo
me: ok cool. its a good record
me: i should start printing out pictures of myself, small pictures, and we can put them in a spiralbound book
my mum: sure maybe
me: still quite like that idea of having pictures of us on the staircase going up the floors in chronological order. unless you thought that was too embarassing
me: but i'm not bothered
my mum: well to be honest there's not that many pictures of me anyway.
me: i can change that *picks up her phone and opens the photo app*
me: *points the phone at her*
my mum: without my glasses i look a bit old and dishevveled
me: takes a picture
my mum: *does a slightly funny expression with her eyes*
me: takes a picture
me: shows the picture
my mum: oh lovely (sarcastic)
me: no but it's okay. because it's ART *waves hands in front of me*
me: it's ART!!!!! *waves hands incessently for no apparent reason*
me: if photos were just about being flattering then there's no ART in them!!
my mum: yeah i guess it's about honesty and all that lol
my mum, probably: (what has my son's life come to)
so yeah that's Fun i guess
maytbe i should do the spiralbound thing as well as the going-up-stairs-chronologcally thing, and the spiralbound could be pictures of me from my entire life until i turn 18 or something and i can call it "my childhood" or something stupid and mildly demeaning in that way bt whatever then i can submit it to a gallery because it's Art! it's ART *irritatingly waves hands in front of your face with an incredulous and intense glare in my eyes*
#809 - 2025/08/02
but tbf now i think about it, i don't need a vpn NECESSARILY. like if i was trying to download stuff i can just go to a public network if i got a laptop idkkkkkk i don't really want a laptop so i'm not sure hmmmmmm
but anyway wait i was gonna say something but then i had an idea: go into the library and switch the search engine away fromgoogle... might not be able to get rid of windowscuz that's actually destroying their property but i CAN set if off of google!!! :fire:
good thing is that I WILL always have my files (which is why i've downloaded wikipedia) but don't take vpn freedom for granted! we could go fascismcore. mind you, we are not quite a police state like america is trying to go yet, but we could do a Censorship for sure. chinacore chinacore!!!!! (also china is not actually communist fyi. it's probably auth-capitalist with some social wellfare elements in place. you can't call it communist just cuz it's got "chinese communist party" in the name my guy...)
but yeah i'm hella worried about that. cuz if we do actually get guaranteed vpns are safe then that's good, but the government could just... ban them if they wanted. and i wouldn't realise until it was too late. i'm not taking anything for grantesd and that makes it Pain.
also i think i figured out how reaper midi works (thanks yt video (even though i hate yt)) but i uninstalled reaper already LOL so yk.... might reinstall later
currently on the path to making my facebook-using mum a Linux User. yes fr im converting her (shes woke but tech-apathetic so you kinda have to push her but in october before windows 10 loses security pudates shes probably gonna get linux mint cuz ill make her. not sure how ill partition herdrive though. ehhhh whatever we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.)
also been considering getting tor and tailsos on some usb stick in case i need it, but the installation steps are kinda complicated for both so. yk
#808 - 2025/08/02
but it's the truth. trying to fix that is trying to seek a perfection, and an intolerance of the self. what is "ill" or not is subjective, it is a social construct after all. not that social construct means "not useful," it just means that it's subjective
i spent my life trying to destroy the subjective but ultimately, that's like being dead., and i think i finally realised that (message of abnormality dancing girl)
i think the existence of life is art in of itself
#807 - 2025/08/02
friendship
after this whole fiasco i am so so so so so much less interrested in queer infighting because we have bigger fish to fry for sure. i understand "trans psychology" more in a way as well, because i was thinking about it more - while i think saying your gender identity is an objective truth is false, it is a SUBJECTIVE truth, and that is the poinut. if something is subjective and gives joy to someone, and isn't inherintly harmful to others, why does it matter if it's illogical in thje long-run? what matters is right now for these people, and the truth, without being pushed back by the government that hates eveverything good
so yeah i did an extremism oh no scary
but yeah this is bad i have a tendancy to say insane-ish things because i'm mad
also convention tomorrow and college 1 month after that. YIKES ERMMMMMMMMMMMMM
also apparenlty one of my other friends is going to college even though i thought they gave up oin it! weird
#806 - 2025/08/01
btw when i went outside yesterday that was pretty hype but today i slept most of the day cuz depression. but oh well thats just how i am. also getting very anxious about censorhsip again but im calming down because i know im safe-ish. like yeah im losing free speech a little but luckily it doesnt exactly affect me because i have a lot of information already imo. it affects children in restrictive households the worst though, which is really bad so anyway. yeah bit concerned for them!!!!
but i will live. and one day, we will win. if i keep that in mind, it's okay. but it might take a long time to get back to where we've fallen from... idk. i dont know how theyre going to get rid of this bad system. but i will still exist, i will live, because theyre not quite going genocidal at least not yet. still very anti-ageism though but i have been questioning it cuz i had an interaction with kids yesterday and thinking about it maybe they Are Just Dumb and shouldm't have autonomy! maybe i'm wrong! oh dear god maybe i was the only sane one (kinda). maybe they are all just incompetent. so then we need a competence test? but that's eugenicscore so no thanks. ermmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yeah there is no fix we are screwed until you turn 18 and you turn from a husk into something vaguely resembling a "person" (in the eyes of society) :fire:
#805 - 2025/07/31
august is my month. i mean number one its the [redacted] month, and yeah sadly august is the month of The Holiday but it might be the last one i'm forced to go on against my will!!!!! and i might finish up the album too
#804 - 2025/07/30
#803 - 2025/07/30
#802 - 2025/07/30
well technically it never existed and you already had to dodge rules to have free speech
do you people realise that having no spree fpseech is actually bad for your mental health
but they don't care
you cant even make protests if They Say No so you know
#802 - 2025/07/30
#801 - 2025/07/29
cant believe sexual repression and actually enforced censorship is becoming real, this feels like it should be fictional
of course it can be fought for but like. why cant people just jerk off in peace in the year of our lord 2025 :sob:
not even particularly talking about myself, just talking about for the sake of everyone. this is stupid and not only is is bad for online privacy but the policy ITSELF is bad, there's suddenly a wave of it and it's crazy that people are finding "progressive" ways to spin this as a feminist thing. like no guys. being anti-sex does not empower women if it means taking away sexual rights from everyone (whcih includes women obnviously)!!!! are you stupid mate
it is causing me to be severely depressed whyyyyyyy
well i think it's quite obvious why, but idk if there's anything i can do. to light a spark in myself again. the torch is dim once more. will a brighter dasy come? i guess that would be the day we can forget
also hMmmMMmmM interesting how forcing age-verification on automatically scanned content will filter out educational content (whatever that is)
porn is a social construct anyway - anything can be "intended as sexual" depending on authorial intent. yet it could be entirely mundane. does that make it nSfW??/???? no it doesnt. because its a social construct innit
so because of this people call education (especially of trans topics) inappropriate because Of Course. or just other generally biiological things. and yeah you could make the woke argument that this is bad and education should not be censored but that's not my point----- my point is that education is being censored but that's not the root of the issue. it's not that "entertainment bad education good and people think education is dangerous entertainment" the point is that "there was no sex problem in the first place", the main issue is mental illness and poverty and lack of safe community spaces that don't require some kind of funding
sorry guys that i'm "anti-feminist" somehow!
especially considering ummmm.... i dont think accidentally clicking on an nsfw site is the worst thing ever. if you want to enforce anything, just have there be a button at the start of the site! if people progress past the warning, how is it the site's fault? "protect the children by restricting their human r ights to sexual freedom because children shouldn't have sexual freedom because sex is uniquely bad and inherintly dangerous to anyone under the age of Whatever My Country Says The Law Is because uhhhh that's what they said it is" i think annoying 12-year-old boys should be allowed to look up "boobies" on google if they want to how is that abusive if it's not being forced on them
no but fr why arent we banding together to Stop The Facists. this is so nazicore i hate it. the actual thing that made me realise i have to do SOMETHINg and at least be fully honest is that well. if this was during wwii era would i actually support the people being genocided or would i sit back and go "ummm its an Issue, anyway time to rot in my house all day." YEAH I WOULD. and that's what made me realise i'm being stupid - even if the whole world is against me, does that mean i'm necessarily wrong? No. there's a good chance i am on "the right side of history" (which is technically a social construct but yk what i mean) and i can actually DO something. i can START something. i can , at the very least, make my life less tangibly miserable by actually being true that i am sex-positive for everyone, which includes minors, i know shocking, someone allowing people to actually indulge in an arguably positive bodily urge that they cannot control and will give them mental illnesses if they try to repress
which is not to say that adults should be allowed to groom children or smth, it's to say that minors should on their own terms be allowed to see whatever they content they like and it should not be marked as "18+" or "16+" r arguably even the younger ones like "12+" because some arbitary committees and social stigmas Decided It To Be Obscene. like guys maybe we shouldn't group a massive amount of human experiences into a label that if you are one day short of then you aren't allowed to do it, even if you are far more or less mentally developed than other people of that age (not to say that mental development is linear either, it's a Spectrum, and that's actually part of the issue). i'm not necessarily pro-lowering-sexual-age-of-consent but i'm pro-removing-age-barriers-to-more-things which could in hundreds of years lead to sexual consent laws being changed but i think the far more important thing is letting people interact with media freely (freedom of expression to draw things deemed "sexual" (because we supposedly have free speech aside from when erm actually it's got a SEX in it! OoOOoOOoH thats BaDddD yOu cAnt mAkE ThAt yOuRe Too YouUunNng)) and also be independant from abusive family structures (aka leavingg their family and joining another one when they want so no Literal Ownership of Human Beings cough cough colonialismcore) would be a good thing. this is all about giving people more options, not giving people more ways to abuse them (this is makign it harder to abuse them because they have healthy and destigmatised ways to be horny but also have a legal right to leave their household if they are genuinely being abused there and join a new one!!!!!)
but no cuz child stupid sex dangerous hurr durr
gonna get flamed for this one (i actually got blamed for it when i was like 12 and was slightly less eloquent. i think it's funny how i haven't changed in so long and how that is soft proof of my points. but it's also great because it shows how they traumatised a child to actually speak their mind and try to ask for autonomy when they are part of a minority group that Does Not Have Human Rights (no literally we have an EXCEPTION in human rights to be detained alongside people with serious mental health conditions who pose a risk to others so thats Fun) and apparently instead of listening to the children we're supposedly meant to care about they decide to take away the rights of people for supposedly their safety even when giving people more options is not more safe) (this is actually a deep-embedded traum i have not talked about seriously i think Ever. so i swear if nobody genuinely engages with what i have to say and/or i get put on some kind of watchlist then i am going to be Mad)
Funny that even my supposedly "woke" family (as appointed by other people) still thinks they have a right to own me "for my own sake" and force me to do things I have EXPLICITLY STATED I DO NOT WANT TO DO, TO THE POINT OF SCREAMING AND CRYING ABOUT IT (and this is them while knowing i have The Mental ConditionsTM so that says soomething about them) because it "enriches my life." the life that does not exist yet. The rights of an unborn future adult me weight over the distress of the current, living me. This is shockingly similar to anti-abortion rhetoric so that's Fun. Fun that I am considered "radical" and "extreme" for this and the only way to get ANY credibility is to somehow link it to me being autistic. like if i didn't say that then you can go "oooH youre whining." the only place people will budge is "if we meet X woke criteria" like Having A Neurodiverse. my guys maybe you should acer about people suffering instead of people checking the box of Homophobia Transphobia Ableism Racism Sexism Xenophobia Fatphobia. like a child who is white cishet skinny boy lives in his country of origin still deserves rights, i shouldnt have to suffer for being autistic just to put up ANY defense of why i deseve rights. This isn't a reason why ableism is bad - it's inteersecutual;ism. about how being a minor (again, not human rights moment) affects other ways you are oppressed
Funny we all g o through it and then age out
Funny we make justifications for reasons our often trauma is the fault of Narcissistic AbuseTM or any other thing like that
When in reality a LOT of it could be avoided if we actually treated chlidren with respect and autonomy like they deserve, because they are not that different from us. they are just People. by denying that, you approve of the fact there is a "Complete Human" that meets X amount of criteria to deserve rights. once you pass a certain threshold, we deem you competent enough to have even the most basic of respect (otherwise it's just generosity! oh lucky ur parents are woke!!!!! My guy my parents aren't "woke" it's just that the bar is so unbelievably low that slaverycore is considered ok cuz Lol Stupid Kids Hate School Suck It Up Loser)
i do have a pretty unique perspective here though ill give myself that. im pretty quirky and antischool. i'm also going to get beat up in an alleyway in the next 2-3 business years so that's fun too
sorry guys i haven't changed my anti-ageist beliefs since i was 11 and you're just going to have to listen to me or you'r going to have to lock me up!! oh you cant do that can you cuz i havent done any crimes can you!!!! Although you can take away my access to any of the few things that keep me from not wanting to kill myself like cutting off internet access so there's that /hj
How is restricting access to what is essentially fuel for a bodily need / restriction to art deemed "obscene" not IMMEDIATELY seen as fascist and making us a minority group. my guy we literally cannot access Things. Cuz some guy sasaid we can't. We could break the law but then they could ACTUALLY lock us up for a reason and we don't want that
Genuinely awful that the people who probably need/want porn the most are the ones being banned from it the most. how is this not disgusting
And yeah I'm fighting for people that I AM NOT again. beacuse you could go "hahahaha simp trololollololo" but im sick of this. im sick of feeling guilt at the slightest sexual attraction to the point i lose it entirely, and i don't even have it that bad, and yet people are still not complainig as if we Deserve to have things limited. Haha you got me. Well I'll find a new way to evade it ig eventually Lol. How is this lol. again this is a bodily function and you don't give us any safe way to relieve it :skull: Who needs it more than us? Nobody, so shut up when you say it's for "someone's own good." Nobody knows themselves better than them, except when it's children of course, in which case they should go kill themselves
#800 - 2025/07/29
i am going to form a protest if i can figure out how
#799 - 2025/07/29
how come you people are all okay with this
why can't i just move out and do whatever now
but no i have to spend 80% of my life on something i don't even want to do, against my will, day in and day out until i become exaused
just because people Say So and are hoarding the resources for themselves
why do you think i should just suck it up
it's all your fault in the first place
#799 - 2025/072/29
#798 - 2025/07/2(
please please pleaseeeeeeeeeee ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why do i not have a group of cosplayer friends who live together and unanimously decide to turn into certain characters from certain tv show for X amount of days ohhhh hit would be so peak (but alas, Economy) (dies) (hate it all) (why) (why no woke)( It would be so cool it would be so awesome) (but everything is online) (i hate the internet) (jregcore) (i actually like the internet and think parasocial relationships are a good thing so thats reverse jregcore) (why am i so brainrotted) (actually its not rotted its the opopsite) (normalise brainconnected)
#797 - 2025/07/29
i am unable to feel joy because of the Guilt
or do anything because of the Guilt
because if sociiety deems something bad then somehow it makes me unable to enjoy it anymore
which is interesting because that seems like it's the opposite of my character but idk
its because i know whatever i do, someone is watching me, someone is behind my back ready to Get Me whenever i make some kind of infraction
struggling to feel anything aside from just wanting to go back to sleep which is arguably a soft suicidality
that's fun
the issue is that there's no community which supports me and i cannot see one existing. there are far too many prerequesite conditions for me to like you and as soon as you break one i feel extremely unsafe. so yeah. like ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm what do you want me to do? make clones of me and live with them? for as much people yap about abusive families, i can't actually begin to imagine a non-abusive one. it would have to be literally perfect, and people say perfection is bad, so..... yknow. thats how bad the system is. that i cant even imagine a better one and make tangible steps to improve things
doesnt help that my "friends" disagree with me and trivialise my feelings/opinions even when they ARE correct (i was thinking yesterday night that i DO need to be confident in myself being correct even if it's the end of me)
lawyer who hates the law is funny but its so mecore
anyway i hate how this site updates is just me updating this page. i guess you could blame neocities for its systems but you could alsso just blame Me for not being Innovative EnoughTM (the things youtube has done to my brain...?)
oh yeah speaking of yt. its like. you could say yt broke me as a child and children should not be allowed to use it, but i think that's the wrong takeaway. after all, there's a good chance i'm a narcissist and that positive attention actually sustained me, it was just a bad way to do it. i find that the people advocating against child abuse by creating MORE restrictions are often the ones who are the most ableist if you really think about it
but again im not getting into this because everyone vehemontly disagrees with me. say it again! control people more, that makes them safe! freedom is a lie sold to you by the capitalists who want to exploit children (even though it means giving children MORE rights...?)
basically all the anti-children-having-full-legal-rights-and-everyone-having-full-legal-rights arguments boil down to ableism (aka: if an instrituction ddeems you unable to understand something and unable to function, youa re not allowed to have autonomy over your life)
when i lay it out like that it's actually disgusting oh mygod
cuz like i dont get the gut bad feeling that other people do when they talk about discriminations but i FEEL this one cuz nobody actually cares. nobody takes the time to actually empathise with anyone because they're selfish, selfish selfish
but it's also ironic cuz i feel no empathy towards the vast vast majoroity of people. including The Children i'm talking about
hey how about we listen to the children we supposedly care about and give trhem more freedoms instead of locking them in an atomised box and forcing a single person or two people to control what they are allowed to do with their own bodies and lives, if they so choose deny them medical care, force them to wear clothes they hate, force them to clock in every day at what is essentially factorycore slave labour, not allow them to interact with other people they actually trust, even the places they liked online are overly sanitized and their friends are being censored on them, not taught basic life skills or given enough money to actually move out and make a move for themselves, and we call this "for their own good." we call this "because they know no better." and yet we think it's disgusting 18-year-olds can't move out, as if they're any different to a 17-year-old???? crazy how easily people fall for false dichotomies made up by society
it's mostly ableist because it has the underlying thought that intellectually disabled people should not be akllowed to have control over their lives because they "dont understand". but nobody would say THAT cuz its ableist! so how doesnt the same logic apply to children????? that they should be able to have agen
why do i even have to write this jesus christ why is everything such an uphill battle even with supposedly "progressive" people
if youre nort willing to agree with me then at least call yourself what you are; someone who wants to own other people because you think they're too stupid to do anything yet (and wont be until they hit an arbitrary Legal NumberTM)
again why do i have to fight this. why do i have to pretend to be grateful for the hand i was dealbt with supposedly "woke parents" yet them distinctly saying things like "youre a young adult now which means we're not going to take away your stuff" OKAY SO YOU WOULD IF I WAS 11?????? FFS
and of course people could reply to this and say "well yeah what else are you supposed to do"
that's like saying "prisons suck but what else are we supposed to do" be fr guys or "capitalism sucks but what else are we supposed to do" or school or whatever infinite number of things. idk renting. animal abuse. oh dont even get me started on that one
all this boils down to "hhey how about we let humans be legally considered humans" which sounds like a non-controversial thing but i guess it really goes to show how basic human decency is considered "radical" to people who are okay with making whatever jjustification they want to Not Sympathise With Stupid Teenagers
kmscore right now
because nobody agrees with me! because Of Course They Don't
this is also all to say if for some reason someone is reading this (which they arent cuz i have 0 reach because my site sucks and i do nothing to improve it) and agree with me then please befriend me
i think
also considering not using they/them anymore and generally being more upfront about my insanity (like having mky discord link to a neocities page thast disclaimers about my personality). also tried to get my friend to make a matrix instance but they couldnt figure it out, which is Bad. theoretically if everyone used https to message eachother then surely it would be 100% private???? they could just do Anything. how is it hard to hide thought crim (piracy)es in the year of our lord 2025
its getting laggy here
its not actually that hard to hide piracy because Nobody Cares. but if the gov overnment actually cared (cough cough "18+ content" whatever the hell that means) then they could start actually craking down on it. but surely you could just do it via private messages and everything would be private and safe. im so used to everything being monitored that i guess i dont even realise people can just set up their own servers and be Free?????? if they run them on their own computer and encrupt it enough??? thats crazy to me. ig the government could raid you if you were doing anything particularly high-profile but they never actually do that, especially if its just a messaging service. so in short i need to make a matrix instance but i cant be bothered to research it so i wont and instead i will die with the Possibility that i Imagined floating around vaguely in my mind (creative blankpagesyndromecore)
btw i dont even want to do anything that illegal im just. Like This
i guess custom matrix server could get around the issues swiwth the main matrix server huhhhhh *sighs dramatically* hate that platform though. "18+ servers" boutta become a political extremist here
are there protests in my area. how do i do that. why are the protests all government-mandated. what., i dont want to go to them. because theres cops monitoring them. how did we allow this to happen. we should have just protested against that duh
hey jsut because you agree with something doesnt mean you should Not Critically Analyse It. like "oh study finds AI bad thats great cuz i think ai bad!!!!!" ok and they found it bad because they say it's Uniquely Harming The Human Mind. right. they said that about television my guy we're still fine. the actual issue is not doing critical thinking! like you're doing now by eating up whatever slop agrees with your preconcieved biases!!!
my brain is breaking my mind is rotting so thats fun in other news what have you been doing over this weekend! hahahahaha! hahahahhaahaha!
we are not uniquely smart, as a species, we are all fools. i can't help but feel disgusted by the fact we put ourselves over other species when we well know that humans are not actually as smart as we suppose we are
unfortunately (fortunately???) our Anime Oshis cannot be Real beacuse the material conditions for making them real simply do not exist. we can kid ourselves they do; but the truth is nobody can be a tomori in a world where Financial Issues, Sexism, and Social Media exist. and thats why i like fictional characters because they peer into a pseculative world where THings can Happen despite it making 0 sense to do so. they are ideas, abstract idols of human essence plastered on a 2d face and sold to the masses. it's actually quite amazing how we consider them real people even when they're just a hallucination designed by some guy to seem cute
#796 - 2025/07/28
can we pls stop discouraging sexuality because you personally find it uncomfortable k thanks fascistcore government!
of course, people will always find a way, but the point is that making something illegal makes it dangerous and makes people anxious just to exist. is that what you want? i guess!
create a social stigma, then back it up with a law, and people will not figt hte enforcement of that law once people have already decided it's "bad" (without truly criticically analysing why it's bad in the first place imo)
i think i have more to say but i cna't really think of it rn sorry
aside from "sex = bad" is a deranged philosophy that is based on demonising people for trying to live their lives to the fullest without being shy of it. it's one that enforces anxiety disorders - and it's especially ironic when these people turn around and say "#beyourself"
idiotic and i can't believe i associate myself with these kinds of people
probably because i have no other choice
especially can we stop trying to protect teenagers from sexual topics as if it's somehow dangerous. like it's not hurting anyone if they're not being forced to see certain content against their will
i just find it gross that the idea of "protection" has just become in a puritanical sense. people want to protect us from certain kinds of abuse but as soon as i start talking about how the school system is inherintly abusive and sending your children to it is abusive and crushes their sense of soul and anyone who makes jokes about it is enforcing something that is honestly slavery-adjacement and enforces the idea thatyoung people are property and it is also generally fundamenntally illogical or requires ableist idea of taking away rights if someone seems incompetent.........i sound like the crazy one
because i go against the status quo of what is "weird/unacceptable"
glad i'm finally comfortable with writing about my more controversial opinions on this site but dear god if it did not take an eternity (and i am absolutely not fully done here)
#795 - 2025/07/26
i'm clouded by bias
heavily considering, if the college lets me do an intro of some sort (and yeah i get my college in like 5 weeks i dont like that ummmm ummmm anyway guys!) ill make my6 intro be "Ed edd and eddy, purgatory theory! Ed edd and eddy purgatory theory! The purgatory theory is a fan-theory about the tv show ed edd and eddy in which hi guys"
it'll really get me off on a good footing with the people i will spend the next year with :fire:
nah but i like the idea of being insane, idosyncratic, and anachronistic, but also not caring if people dislike me. that would be very charismatic or something. lets see if i can pull it off (i proably won't have the chance to :sob:) i just want to act like mildly fictional yk. to have hype moments and aura. i think that saying things tat dont make sense is very hype moment and aura. its youtubercore except i dont need to be a youtuber (ez hack)
also im probably gonna keep streaming and uploadiong on yt but im in no hurry. ive been thinking about the smp and basically all the players will need to ahve at least one goal, or trait that makes them likely to interact. for example one of us could be on the journey to document humanity and theyve been sent from outer space, so they have to interact and perform interviews like a journaliist. one of us wants to start a nation that is ricehr than everyone else on the server. someone wants to make a city. someone wants etc etc etc there need to be intrinstic reasons to keep playing and im pretty close to doing it. however the modpack has some weird things i want to remove but cant exactly remove hhhhhhhhh
#794 - 2025/07/25
chasing your dreams and not being apathetic is surprisingly hard when you hate nearly everyone that your dreams were originally meant to be shared with!! hatred dissolves into apathy and apathy is even more awful than that (being apathetic because you don't want to be a hater)!
i am the pretender up up up up shake shake it up ushiro sugata najiru anata (hey!) /reference
^me when i say i also like chocolate cake when in reality i DONT!! (very edgy)
i think i like uika so much because her character is about lying to please others when in reality you're the exact kind of person you hate the most. and yet in the end she IS, at least somewhat accepted for those facts, and i think it's brilliant. brilliant, but ultimately just fiction. it's not realistic when a lot of the things you are trying to hide is because they are legally gray (honesty is harder than you think when protests are illegal!!)
we really aren't as inclusive as we kid ourselves we are - we are liars, we are biased, we all are. we fight for our framework to win, but all the frameworks are flawed at their core, the only way to win this war is to not care at all... apathy. but apathy isn't winning either, so what is one to do in this fight for our ideology to dominate - whn all ideologies are wrong, what do we fight for? nothing. we lose. you can't fwin. stop lying with your false optimism when all you ever do is bury your head in the sand. that doesn't make me pessimistic, it makes me realistic - if you can prove yourself right with the truth, only then will i accept you. and i also don't fall for umineko's tricks. i'm a rosatrice truther /hj
#793 - 2025/07/23
like i kinda wanna play totk but i should stream that. but nobody will watch it because i would do it on twitrch. so maybe i should just bite the bullet and use youtube. butttttttttttttttt
#792 - 2025/07/22
#791 - 2025/07/20
oh, everyone is so selfish, but for what? it's not like i personally care about anyone i would be affecting, is just feels illogical
#790 - 2025/07/20
If Ryukishi07 is so good, then why isn't there a Ryukishi08? Heh, checkmate, liberals. *smug smile* Niicespiice... OUT! *falls offstage(
#789 - 2025/07/20
dare i say, in the hunt for a "narcissist," you yourself have become a narcissist 🤯🤯🤯🤯🧨🧨💥💣💣🤯 (half-joking. i'm not saying you are clinically a narcissist just for being unempathetic sometimes. but i honestly think surely most people must be at least somewhat unempathetic. cuz as soon as someone does something you Don't Like then you turn on them. so like. you are doing the exact thing you criticise The Scary Narcissists of doing!!)
#788 - 2025/07/20
basically it boils down to; me thinking about my depressive tendencies / not really feeling anything / but at least trying to do SOMETHING so i might have a chance of making "art fodder" in the future, and also me thinking about gender dysphoria, my face anxiety, and socialising
in the future i will probably cosplay more masc characters (or more like.... make male variants of existing female characters), and be less anxious about fake-smiling (i should smile NATURALLY which might mean not having a conventionally attractcice face shape but there's nothing i can do about that except Cope)
i think anime conventions should have more activite.s the vocafest was pretty hype but there's still not much coverage online of the event so i REALLY hope there's a clip of me saying "PEARRRRTOOO" multiple times in that show but idk. they might not be posting them publicy.. :(
i bought a LOT. like £170 worth. considering getting a job or smth idk
i am also going to reach out to someone about making a love live dance group but idk if that puts any issues with the gender dysphoroaia and locations thing like. the people are gonna be from london so i wouldn't be able to practice much------ and then i have to find MORE people if i was the one organising the group ----------- why is everything so hard ahhhhh.. but i have to do SOMETHING at least...
but i did FEEL things, at least a little bit. but it often feels like i'm plahying a character or a mask while deep down not really feeling much of anything (like i tend to get a few seconds of a certain feeling before it just disappears. thisi s why i like complex philosophical topics, because at least i'm not bored)
the apathy arc is crazy (its been like this for years actualy!!!)
hmmm what else idk. i dont think theres much else to say except i hop[e i actually get a lot out of my purchases, because in the past it feels like ultimnately the merch amounts to nothing but a token of a false love. so i think decorating the areas will make the ourcahses feel worth (like i should have a shelf with lights and actually well-done colouyrs.)
later today i will try that decorating and also get my mum to sort through my clothes because i'm incompetent trololololo
i guess things are slowly moving along but i'm such a pessimist
OH YEAH the other thing was. i thought about extroversion and also gifting. i think the value of gifts and items is the story, much like art. it's an encapsulation of an experience - if you Just Buy a gift, there's no much of a meaning - i think that would explain my general philosophy./ the point is that the gift shiould MEAN something as an artifact, a history. if you dont have that, a gift often isn't worth giving - that's probably the thing i was struggling to put into words for so long. or maybe actually it's more like i grew more mature and now see gifts as more than items i can beg my family members for.
with extroversion it's that i probably am very extroverted, but i do withdraw from social things just because i don't find them entertaining. but i do, emotinoally, need a lot of social connection 0-- i would rather live in a house with a lot more people. but the issue is the "Livechat House" (reference) requires me to essentially be a landlord to my friends which is awful and WIL end up bad so idk. maybe i'll figure it out eventually? but i tend to not count on these kinds of dreams because promises always get b roken by external circumstances - so i don't even bother making them
i bought a hitsujibungaku cd but i didnt go to the meet and greet because i didnt huave anything interesting to say to the bandmembers, and i dont een know their names... kinda regretting thhat but i'm torn - if i went, i might still not feel anything, so eitjer way it's probably just me doing the "Looking back at some mild regret obnsessively and driving myself insane over something that nobody else will remember" kind of behaviouir
byebye hope this one was mildly intersting (well the diarybox has always moreso been a record for my future self anyway so...... have fun future me??)
#787 - 2025/07/17
on a more serious note it seems like he tends to talk about things avoiding particular trappings of certain political ideologies but he tends to equally poke fun at "all sides" giving way to a generally centrist way of thought, however he also hates centrists, so you know. but the thing is he seems to just want pepole to THINK about these social issues and ultimately just wants them to find a community of their own, because he thinks the politics are often like quite meaningless. but i imagine he has a lot of inner turmoil about the irony of that. but the irony is the- ------- oh my god. again. even that analysis is just probalby me projecting whatever message or ideal i want onto the catbox. ultimately, i can't know, and so maybe i should just stop thinking (Wait a second! That's not very Umineko!! NOOOOO WILL!!!)
but yeah it's very strange and i should stop going into this hellhole of a mental trap
on another new convention
on another new i did a min crifte./ fun right!
#786 - 2025/07/17
#785 - 2025/07/17
#784 - 2025/07/17
legal disclaimer i don't actually know what a little uzi is so don't blame me for the impending socioeconomic disaster of this country we live in (earth)
#783 - 2025/07/17
#782 - 2025/07/17
#781 - 2025/07/17
and the phonnnesssssss the eyessssssss the hivemind is recording and will share the information with the other participants in the hivemind wheether you like it or not, you cannot disappear, you will be seen and judged from every angle and tracked by some company that may or not be in on commiting a genocide with the government whenever that inevitably happens,,,, so.......................... hmm.that's all i'm left with, a simple perplexed noise
#780 - 2025/07/17
#779 - 2025/07/17
anyway i'm mildly sick of my friend getting mad at everything but whooo caresss ahahahha amirite chat
did a bit of art yesterday and today for my splatoon skit. yesterday was so unproductive though - i mean i did go to see my family and i got my grandma to make a boat in minecraft but hmmm
#778 - 2025/07/17
but at least im working on my video ahahahahahahhahahh ah hah hah ah right guys Right Guys.
i'm diseased
#777 - 2025/07/17
#776 - 2025/07/17
#775 - 2025/07/17
maybe they're right; as much as their argument tactics are full of fallacies, i shouldn't feel bad for trying to enjoy myself. i should take as long as i need
very worried about this current government and censorship! that was arguably what the afforementioned nightmare was about so,,,,, fun!
i defeinitely have some sort of attachment issues
yesterday before i slept i did quite a bit of writing in my book which was kind of good, but it was admittedly quite frantic and not very perfect. but i thought it would be worth it just to write Something becaise those raw notes are the most pure form of art out there, a glimpse into my psyche at a certain time, unfiltered. just... a yapfest truly. so i decide to write that despite it not being very good
still haven't done the stuff i "need" to do, or moreso WANT to do and said i would do, but again, maybe i shouldn't be strressed over something liek taht?
#774 - 2025/07/15
#773 - 2025/07/14
i will mimic a human because i'm too scared to live on my own
what a beautiful "mirror" (shadow on the wall)
i'm kind of happy the world moves so fast
#772 - 2025/07/14
scared of my own creativityty and then it goes wrong oh no... i want to write an essay but, the existentialism comes bac k... yikes... best thing i did was today i did a little bit of organisation on a character pfoeil I Guess. wait that was yesteryda. UMMMM mondays amirite fellas
i tried inviting my friend to the anime convension but they cant make it
and 2 days ago i went to a party in the sakiko fit i think??
#771 - 2025/07/12
#770 - 2025/07/12
#769 - 2025/07/11
i want to make parody music but the DAW is expiring which is Bad so idk what to do about that
video editing is good too i guess
#768 = 2025/07/11
can we stop complaining about "people-pleasing behaviour" because people only do that because they know their true self is well-hated
people say that people should stop being awful pepole - do yuou realise that if people actually followed your advice of stopping being people pleasers, we would have more of these "awful people" you just love to condemn? people who hurt eachother????? so what's the gameplan here??
the uk's new policies are Concerning like. you can't dm on bluesky anymore if you're under 18???????????? that's like saying children aren't allowed to talk to eachother anymore without adult supervision or whatever. social media sites are basically like Buildibnngs that are owned by companies. it's like saying children aren't allowed to speak in public shops anymore because that's Bad. it's ridiculous tspmo chat
#767 - 2025/07/011
dislikes: basically everything else (because i'm in my edgy era, but that doesn't mean it's fair to make fun of, because it's serious, even if it is a "phase" (because everything is a phase my guy))
#766 - 2025/07/11
still kicking myself for giving pokemon violet to my frien that i don't talk to anymore hjasdfhjasjhdfhjsadf
but yes i have a guilt complex thing idk
#765 - 2025/07/10
i think i do may perhaps have a severe depression no matter how people say it, and i hate that, that i'm helpless, why, but i also don't understand how anyone could NOT be helpless. so i just cling to the mildest forms of entertainment i can hold onto, while hating everyone else and lamenting my own bad decisions..... pls give me another hyperfixation so i can get out of this yuguughhhhh (i think actually as i've gotten more depressed, my hyperfixations have lasted shorter and shorter? i guess that's a syumptom?? hmm)
i think summer apologists genuinely bother me more than abuser apologists. simply because it personally affects me more. or maybe the fact that summer being bad is so comically obvious that i believe anyone who disagrees completely fails to empathise with me and my suffering within it ig. i wonder if i have seasonal deprsesion for summer (probably not because i remember being depressed in the winters before, but at least in a couple of them i had some hope to hold onto - but i think in this most recent winter, or the one before that, i was reminiscing about how at least the past winters had that element of hope. so maybe it's been a while. i think 2021 was the last year i "lived" arguabkly methinks)
like i desperately WANT to be artistically recognisedf, appreciated, to be famous and renound for my peakness, but the truth is that i don't have much peakness to speak of / i don't make it very visible. and it's not like i have an outlet to make it visiblke through either - everything requires an uphill battle of maintenance that's just not worth the hassle - and even youtube, the one platform that was a saviour in my heart, has now been tainted to me
al;so my dad keeps being mean to me and makingg my guilt wirse?? but i also think he's right in a way - like what else can he do, just sit by and let me do whatever? i don't get what the solution is and he's just trying to pick one bad solution out of many bad solutions that exist. because there is no good solution, is there? so can i really hate him? i don't know, but this shows that my problems can't be solved at all
also i probably don't benefit from therapy simploy because the advice they can offer is so basic that i just get combatative at it - and the more personal "advice" is just bringing up old things that i don't want other people to talk about. like no i don't want to be reminded about some old thing i found traumatic and could be a potential reason for my behaviour, no i don't want someone to suggest i go do some thing i suposedly maybe perhaps liked some unknown amount of time ago. it's all so utterly useless that i just get defensive and angry and can't take anything to heart, even if the advice IS true in some regard. i just find myself feeling attacked so of course i can't respond to it in a useful way.
#764 - 2025/07/09
completely unrelated but i HATE being against the people who should be "my people." because unlike other people, it's not as simple - i am alone
#763 - 2025/07/09
#762 - 2025/07/09
#761 - 2025/07/09
i watched the madoka magica movie and it reminded me of why i don't Get this kind of thing. like the logic is just too far removed from humanity that it's confusing. i want things that are more grounded and make sense. like i can't help but feel it doesn't make SENSE, even if it is logically consistent with its own universe. sigh
i feel like i need to write something more here right now, but i don't really have anything new to say, aside from me playing pikmin 3 again and finding it sad how even federated platforms aren't that safe because it's still just run by A Guy and they need so much in donations that they're always on the edge of financial collapse...... essentially that's anxietyposting. why am i so anxious???? donm't know
OH YEAH this evening my dad is going to open up my computer to see if i have more PCIE slots! because my mum fo7und an £100 pcie ssd 2tb which is good sbut my computer apparently only has TWO pcie slots, and i might already be using both of them, so we need to look inside and see what's free at the very least before we order it. but this is a step in the right direction. also let's be real here i'm just doing this because i want my shiny new son linux and to play on zenless zone zero before the limited-time rewards disappear :sob:
#760 - 2025/07/07
#759 - 2025/07/06
chasing an outdated self-painted mirage, we burn, together, alone, and drown
#758 - 2025/07/06
i really am the kind of person who does not believe anything until i see it. doesn't matter how much people reassure me, i know they're biased enough to not be trustworthy. i don't believe random things people say just to try and be "reassuring," because that's fundamentally not how the truth works. it doesn't matter if 50 people say something, it's got the same credibility as a fact spoken by 1. of course, in subjective matters i know that it doesn't apply - but that's not what i'm talking about. and yet, i still seek the validation of other people, i seek the advice of other people, even when they don't know a thing. people should focus more on documenting facts, and yet they don't. it's broken, because of anti-intellectualism. i blame my blanket term scapegoat!!!!! scapegoats my beloved!!!
but no actually its.......... sigh
i keep worrying over things before they happen as if that will change the result. as if that makes me wiser. and so i seek people to reassure me of my worries, to prove me wrong - but they never do. because i know exactly as much as them. the adults often don't know better, and in my inability to accept the unfortunate fates i have been sometimes handed, i just start complaining until they "fix" it (even though they literally know nothing more than me and are unable to do anything more than me)
so that's fun
please don't disappear
#757 - 2025/07/05
i just heard my mum say "gameboard" and i suddenly got a flash of umineko HELP i cant get out of this place :sob:
#756 - 2025/07/05
dont really get why people are anti-gacha-games in terms of "buying a character you like." like ok? they're not real? it's not taking away the rights of real people because it's not about the real people, it's about a fictional character and their trope. and complaining gacha is inherintly evil because it's gambling is kind of biased...? because if we didn't have gacha mechanics, how would these beloved series stay afloat? without objectification of these objects, how would these beloved series even exist anymore? that's right; they wouldn't. by criticising these things, you're saying they shouldn't exist, and anyone's affections to them are mora;lly wrong and enforcing a bad political outlook. which is ........ boring. why can't we "own" a character we buy? why can't we pay for their affection? is that so wrong, when it's not taking any real person's rights away? i don't understand this - this, emotional elitism. that bought, one-sided love is somehow "morally wrong." the best thing i can say is bought, one-sided love is SHALLOW, which is definitely true, but that doesn't mean it's somehow a moral failing to indulge in it. and i think this is like a profoundly... a profoundly anti-fiction, anti-celebrity, and even anti-sex rhetoric. only the "great art," ones thatdemonstrate your narrow lense of what "good art" is (something that explores an abstract theme and uses characters as tools to show that narrative), will be allowed to exist. you want to get rid of anything that seems like it's objectifying a character by making them good and making them desirable, simply because "consumerism bad." ......... but is consumerism so bad if it doesn't hurt anyone? if consuming a character means loyalty to theat character and paying for products related to them, but still means supporting good political stances, then how is worshipping a character wrong? what's the issue there? it's so annoying and it comes across as this moral...... idk.... "pure"ness? the hailing of human emotions but only when they are attached to a real human rather than an abstraction of a human. it's really weird. it's anti-objectifying-women and yet it's not actually giving alternatives to that lifestyle? so people aren't allowed to like fictional characters anymore?? i don't get it. i just really don't get it.
actually you know what'i think this is a good point; it's like complaining a child wants a my little pony toy......... like what? why do you complain about such a core emotional reaction to a character? or making media that purposefully invokes that? ugh
#755 - 2025/07/05
mstly because i'm too lazy/anxious to acutally be bothered to do anything on my own so i think "wow im glad some other people are doing it for me" and then nothing happens the end FIRE EMOJI!!!!!!
politics are kind of intersting though at the very least, it's enough to satiate my craving for Information
and i'm very much so glad gender is politicised again (compared to like, the millenial livelaughlove era)
#754 - 2025/07/04
i don't know. i'm thinking too much again. thinking about things that haven't even happened yet - but i guess it's okay to be introspective sometimes or something like that.
anyway, ultimately, i wish that some day i will be able to feel an actual sense of "love" that lasts - but i don't know. i don't think i ever have, and i'm not really holding out that much hope for it to come true.
it's also mayyyyybe linked into how i feel a disconnect from the self and stuff like that. but then again sometimes i stop feeling like this so it's REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to tell! i don't know if i have any specific personaloity disorder because i don't really fit any of them so RIP
but it's funny because people are like "oh i understood so much once i was diagnosed" ????? mate you have to ACTIVELY SEEK OUT A DIAGNOSIS. how do you learn anything about yourself by getting a diagnosis. a diagnosis is just a formal aknowledgement that some random doctor agrees with your call. the doctor doesn't reveal anything you didn't already know, wht are you talking about? i don't know.. is there something i'm missing (like people can get diagnosed without themselves even knowing????????? then why did i have to seek out mine?>??????)
but yeah i'm generally anti-psych in the way that "diagnoses are social constructs and the ways we define them are inherintly ableist and generally just oppressive" but i still cling to labels, wanting an explanation for my own behaviour or to "solve my heart." why????? no idea
#753 - 2025/07/04
it's annoying
also apparently the Far Right Party is doing really well in the polls here which is ummmm umMMMM CONCERNING!!!!! very concerning actually! i get that there's a new socialist party forming too, but all that's gonna do is take away the votes from the big parties that can stop the far right party from getting in :/
#752 - 2025/07/02
#751 - 2025/07/02
i love rhytyhm heaven even though it can sometimes be a little stressful, it's a creative game. all the extra content even after the credits roll is brilliant, i never even imagined it would exist. as a completionist game, the remixes are really good challenges that put everything to the test, and the perfect chances give tension as you only have 3 attempsts before they disappear. even though its a theoretically simple game, it's great and has depth. its such a surprsingly big game and i really respect thye fact they SHOCk you by expanding it more than originally expected. like i was sad and underwhelmed before i saw the truth
can they stop giving hello happy world a bunch of depressing songs just cuz theyre high-tempo. it's annoiyng
on another note.... june is gone already. oh well, i think that's a good thing. i'm going to an anime convention in a few weeks. also, apparently the holiday i'm going to have won't be that long, so that's good. and uhhhhh yeah higurashi is really good.
i am trying to pinpoint how to demonstrate my characters' psychologies and i am also trying to think about game design for my minecraft server but whatever i do i just end up back at square one. still, the feeling of at least *trying* and knowing you're going to stick through it...... is at least a good thing. there's a sense of, at the very least, i'm a little attached to this world even if i'm in pain.
i still don't understand how other people are born happy and stay happy though. it''s.... interesting. that feels like it's going to be one of the main things of one of my characters but i'm not really sure how to demonstrate it properly.
#750 - 2025/06/30
because nbody really wants to change their mind
probably not even me
everyone will jsut be stuck in their ways until they die, correct?
#749 - 2025/06/30
my singing teacher forgot the appointment she was supposed to have with me.............. ahh....
i think my mum is gonna sign me up for an acting/drama club thing but it's on a really long waiting list because it's so popular
having a little bit of fun on minecraft but im still stressed somehow
i yesterday got my friend to get on my github for my writing project so they organised some of my notes but ehhh they havent helped with the actual writing and its sitll mostly unsorted. its not a proper timeline i can read through. hhhhh might need to ask for their help again, but theyll probably get distrcacted like they always do
#748 - 2025/06/30
after a night of not being able to sleep i somehow got to sleep and then i must have been sleeping until like 2pm and then i wake up to my dad being angry at me that i "didnt know about my appointment" ??? how would he know if i do or don't? and then immediately after that he suddenly calmed down and was like "Well I'm not mad at you anymore 😋😋😋💖" rosa umineko behaviour
iuts's also ableist because he was going on about how i'm a young adult so i should be able to keep track of my own time and that if i'm not excited for a lesson he's paying for then why should he even be paying for it in the first place.......................... HELLO?????????????????? IM LITERALLY ON *ANTIDEPRESSENTS????????* WHAT DOES BRO WANT
but then again he does support the prison system so what can i expect really
talking to my mum about this right now, but knowing her she won't really fix anything because of course she won't (she's still making me go on holiday against my will because technically she has the legal right to (kidnapping behaviour) (its only kidnapping when its people who dont own you) (the parent-child system is inherintly abusive particularly to mentally ill people))
#747 - 2025/06/29
i'm getting my friend to help write with me - two people create a universe, after all (umineko reference)
the progress on the neocities home page isn't too bad, however the progress on my splatoon video is bad... (i haven't done anything with the audio and it's been like 2 weeks since the update why am i so incompetent at this). i'm also pretty sure i will be switching to peertube or whatever else because i'm not using youNOOB!!!!! anymore. because bad in every concievable way.
trains are a glimpse at the communist utopia that we couldn't
attached below is the home page thing im working on ahhhhhhhhh
#746 - 2025/06/27
essentially: i'm scared of fake news
i've been telling myself to "not be scared" but all i've been doing is ignoring it
but i can't change it either way, so... who cares? (me)
#745 - 2025/06/27
#744 - 2025/06/27
time passes so slowly and yet is so fast at the same time.. why's that?
#743 - 2025/06/27
found out one of my friends' father is dead which is weird to me because i associate dead parents with overdramatic anime backstories. crazy that this is a real thing. maybe it gives me more freedom to write characters that do genuinely have dead families. because i've been semi-avoiding it because i thought it's very unrealistic and it doesn't relaly happen to many kids. but i guess it might/ and that's sad and i think deserves to be written about (plus it creates good conflict which gives me MOONNNNEEEEEEYYYYY! (i say not selling anything))
alsso the "stop killing games" initiative is stupid because it says they want to make publishers ummm "Not have games be left in an unplayable state?" ?????? so if it's an online game they literally have to keep the servers up until the heat death fo the universe? literally what are they yapping about. that is UN-ENFORCABLE. based on the home page it makes it sound like, "ooOhhHhH we just wanna make it so fans can legally continue their own servers of the game!" but if you read their ACTUAL policies page that's ONE click away, the top policy is literally like. evil?????? and i'm worried it'll go through because let's be real here, courts are stupid and un-tech-informed
^ that's the kind of thing i talk about that my friends wouldn't understand, they try so hard to be pro-consumer that they just end up being selfish and against the freedoms of other human beings. like oh you wanna make an online game but you're a POOR CHILD? okay well TOOOOOOO BAD because that's against the LAW!!!! literally shut up. i will be angry if this goes through
also i won't be personally angry at you if you *did* sign it, especially if you've changed your opinion afterwards. i just really don't like the attitude in general that "anything that stops The Corporations is good" without even thinking if it 's a bad principle or not, whether iaffects real people or not. i just REALLY hope this law doesn't go through because every single person seems to think that "adding more laws will make us free from capitalism" mate. ... you can't just put laws on everything you don't like. the laws should be used in places that are actually useful and don't significantly harm anyone. the games industry is the least of our worries in this case. if we stop capitalism from Sucking in general, the games indistry should stop sucking in general. simple as. it's so like........ i guess fake-entitled and it upsets me as someone who is principles-first
#742 - 2025/06/27
higurashi is very scary but at the same time it's not leaving too big of an impression on me rn?
i like working on my minecraft server kind of. trying to set up the skin customisation stuff but then it ends up being kinda hard and annoying and upsetting
#741 - 2025/06/26
#740 - 2025/06/26
i'm pretty sure BPD is just....... autism. as in like. one major part of what is considered autistic is literally just the symptoms of bpd.
also i'm generally anti-allthesediagnosisnonsense anyway so why am i looking into it again? bceausei 'm a fool thats why
considering deleting my tumbl;r account because i hate getting into internet debates awhere people come across as the most mean posible forms of themselves tho
#739 - 2025/06/26
nobody is actually reliable when you get down to it, after all
because i wont accept things as "normal",
falling asleep so i can't wwrite
but i'm also too angry to sleep
i'm also too angry to get any better
so that's fun
i think these kinds of people usually just die before you hear about them
you know i'm kinda like ange umineko except i don't have some nice past from 12 years ago that it's all downhill from here from. no. it's just straight up *always* been like this and the only thing that's differnt in my perception. in fact in material ways i am signifncalty better off. the only thing that has meaningfullychanged is my procession
and again i feel like i am still frozen in time from like 5 years ago. it's not like anything really HAPPENED there, there's nothing you can dig into, it's just straight up nothing
i just suddenly *decided* i had peaked and stopped doing any chracter development for some reason
it's especially annoying because everyone else smugly rubs it in your face like "ohh hahaha rofflcopter stupid 12-year-odls! i remember when i was stupid and so young" bro it's been like 3 years since then wdym. my point is that; are you really able to meaningfully say you have meaningfully changed in that time? my bets are on "no," y ou just think you have, because the way school years are sorted has *made* you think you have. peoples' environments will change how htey act, after all. i probably just act different because i'm surrounded by Internet People(derogitory) instead of annoyign school children (also derogitory)
see how you can't win? it's derogitory either way
#738 - 2025/06/25
i'm just like that, always have, always will (probalby)
also been doing a decent amount of writing on obsidian but it's really hard to set up my characters to not just be clones of eachother. like yes, they have premises to their goals and whatnot, but two of them feel too similar, and as i try to move around their personalities to make them more different, they just become another character - no matter what i do, they all bump into eachother, and become the same archetype. it's grating and annoying, i hate it. maybe it's not that big of a problem though, maybe they really rae fine the way they are! but i won't accept it. i need to write a bnetter introduction to each character that really showcases the premise of how they are contrasted yk
#737 - 2025/06/24
#736 - 2025/06/24
#735 - 2025/06/24
what if i start using umnk colours on this site (golden, red, blue) to indicate the truth level of something (reference nobody here will get probably)
#734 - 2025/06/24
#733 - 2025/06/24
on another note, i really want to forget umineko so i can experience all that again, BUT I CAN'T!!!! the human memory is a curse, in small things like this, but also in more devastating things like traumatic memories. it's often hard to forget them, and the more you want to, the more you remember.
oh yeah i literally wrote a lyric about this for one of my band's songs; "The more I remember, the more I wish I could forget - Go back to when we first met, replay the moments I regret"
#speaking of band lyrics: i actually got a new thing written down with a basic melody but it's really just for a chorus. idk if they'll like it... i'm always anxious to show my lyrics because they've been rejected before
#732 - 2025/06/23
still in my umineko hyperfixation era. i don't like it, but at least it's giving me something to think about.
#731 - 2025/06/22
i'm going to build some stuff on my minceraft city that i haven't played on for like 3 motnhs
i spent the last 2 days basically just looking up umineko theories and discussion yes really that's what i did (it wasn't even that fun)
why haven't my parents got me my sound card fixed or a new ssd yet.. going to nuke 5 countries rn
#730 - 2025/06/20
iand i wannt get her outfit too ahhhhhhh but this happened for sakiko too and then i havent worn it much becasue i get sick of it siiiiigh hyperfixations r the worst!! (and yet they are the only thing stopping me from being severely chronically depressed)
#729 - 2025/06/20
my parents have decided we are going on holiday in august despite me Not Wanting To Do That
however they do make a good point that if they want to go on holiday, they can't leave me at home
still doesn't change the fact that it feels like something is Off here though
#728 - 2025/06/20
and then when i criticise it, most people don't agree. which i guess is their right and all, but it seems a bit weird. what do you even like about level-ups? "brain like reward?" THEN JUST GIVE REWARDS THAT AREN'T STAT INCREASES UGHH!!!! IT MAKES THINGS EITHER UNFAIRLY HARD OR COMICALLY EASY!!! HRAHRH AHR HHR HA THE STAT DIFFICULTY SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE TONED DOWN AS AN ACCESSIBILITY SETTING, NOT AFTER YOU'VE SPENT 500 HOURS GRINDING XP UGHGHG
just a thought
#727 - 2025/06/20
#726 - 2025/06/19
i actually think part of the fun is that, now i can see content from the whole fandom, it's crazy that there's like. you know. the original voice actors and sprpites and cultural context of the fandom that i never heard, becasue i was watching nezumiva's streams. her voices will be the canon ones for the characters in my head for......ever, perhaps? idk. that experience could have partially ruined some segments but maybe i'm just making up excuses
tldr ange's story making me sob if i read it under a lense that's not religion. once you start to process the themes, the story REALLY is just about "the truth is not one definitive whole, there are good parts and bad parts" which manifests in so many ways but that's what like 95% of thes tory is about and its AMAZING like WOW good job i guess? it's just amazing that after all that stuff i went to, NOW i feel i understand it (it was probably like 100 hrs) ahhh its so hhahhhhhh aaa *spends 500 buckeroos on a beatrice dress*
#725 - 2025/06/19
#724 - 2025/06/19
#723 - 2025/06/18
im going to be so raanacoded when i got o college it's unreal. because i'm thinking like. i just don't.... i can't handle speaking obvious things to other people, it makes me annoyed. so i'll just disappear randomly to go play on my 3ds because i have criplling oscial anxiety. or less that and moreso, i don't know what to say to anyone, so i won't say anything at all. "it's better that than make a fool out of myself trying," is what a fictional character in this situation would say, but WRONG! i just have nothing to say so i'm not going to. it's as simple as that really (lie. i really am just likle that theoretical character who doesn't want to tarnish their reputation)
opn another note i keep feeling like he/himming myself but the issue is that if other people did that to me i think i would feel uncomfrotable. unsure
#722 - 2025/06/18
#721 - 2025/06/18
#720 - 2025/06/18
but yeah i often have senses of, when first trying something out, it's peak. but then it just gets boring and even stressful. that's why when i make things, i like to have them change a lot. i want the feeling of "something new" to persist throughout the whole piece (mostly talking about music, or potentially game development). i want people to find it special for more than just a single moment. or perhaps, i just want to make something that i find special for more than just a single moment.
but yeah that feeling of "new" really is something else.. it's just, i have a feeling that somehow i must be ruining it with my own critical mind as i poke holes in it by accident. even if it's not actually my fault, it's impossible to tell either way.
maybe i would feel less guilty if i DID something about the Friends Situyation but i still don't know what to do... i don't know if i really want to talk to many of them again... but i'm also not sure... i don't want to hurt their feelings either, that's the issue
#719 - 2025/06/18
you know, looking forward to something is usually more fun than the actual thing you're looking forward to. i really do feel that way. because once i actually do the thing, i just get bored of it and realise how mediocre and lifelike it really is. nothing really is special enough to be as good as the imagination, probably
oh well. i'll just find something new to look forward to, then.
#718 - 2025/06/18
i did go on discord yesterday a couple times but i was just checking msgs from one specific person. i sitll haven't addressed the elephant in the room because quite frankly, i don't want to talk to someone who doesn't support arguably freedom of artistic expression
which is most of my friends, perhaps even all of them. so Hmm
anyway singing is kind of a sobering experience, but it's really annoying a lot of the time. because i can pull something off once but then i can't do it again - i guess that's part of it being part of the human body. but still, even though it's unreasonable to be expecting anything else, that doesn't negate the fact i'm mad at my own abilities.
none of my lyric/"poetry"-writing (poetry in quotes because i just write lyrics and can't be bothered to compose) is working,., nor has it been for a little while, because i don't have anything interesting to say using that medium. best thing i have is Normal People Writing (story). because in lyrical form i can't really distill the concepts i want to talk about - i want to talk abotu the idea of "someone hurting you, so you hurt them back because 'they deserve it'" but i don't JUST want to write that. i need to provide CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, not just criticism that insults and tears down the opposition for no good reason. that's the issue here.
anyway i'm notsure if i should go to college on the frst day in my sakiko costume. i genuinely Don't Know. there's also like a "graduation party" (prom i THINK??) for one of the lesson things i had and i'm probably going to wear the sakiko outfit to that. but apparently there's a dinner? so i'm worried whta that's actually going to be like. are we going to sit around a table and drink tea like rich kids? ermmmm i'm not THAT rich. ngl thinking about the idea of "someone who was poor but is now rich, goes into rich people society but they feel so out of place" is kinda cool. because they dont FEEL like they belong there. they dont FEEL like the other people make any sense to them, so you see it from their POV - how other people are going "cheers old fellow" or whatever people say these days and then the main character is like "..........." which actually really is so many words and really eloquent and says a lot about modern-day society. i feel like this is s a good setup for them to run away from that life and go back to the countryside but this time they're not even lower-middle-class like they were as a child so now they're hustling and grinding in this agricultural lifestyle wow bye thats the end couldmn't come up with anything else :fire:
#717 - 2025/06/17
finished a video script yippee (not actually that happy but whatever its a good "product")
i felt like i would be asleep by now but it's already 1:38am shouldnt i be tired? i woke up at like 8. what has the woke done to me oh no scary
#716 - 2025/06/17&
on another note this page is getting nearly intolerably laggy. i think i need to put ion the edffort to set up a "proper diary" but idk how much effort that'll be *sighs* welp guess i'm never gonna do anything ever again! /hj
nah i do actually want to do it, i just need to set it into stone by saying i will. i will make a new diary page soon
#715 - 2025/06/17
#714 - 2025/06/17
,br>
the problem is, i want to resume writing, but i moved all my writing things to my linux drive which is External and therefore Slow And Bad so like........................ ughhhh ugh ugh ugh ugh!! let me outtttt)
#713 - 2025/06/17
io woke up rather early today but it was fine i somehow managed it
i finished umineko either today or yesterday??? i think ti was today and now im starting on higu and at the start i like this wayyy more than lategame umineko its really refreshing and has a nostalgic sense of friendship even though its stupid (this is what made me think about eh crushes thing because one of the characters is like blatantly having a crush on the other character and theyre like 13 soooo idk if that actually happens to real people. does it??? im probably too much of a shut-in to understand or somethyiung. i dont think i really experienced that, it was moreso loneliness i guess, i think anything i have labelled as "romatnci feelings" is jsut me remotely Enjoynig spending time with Another Person (i know, shocking) soooooo yk
#712 - 2025/06/16
completely different thing but can we really expect social progress to just.. come with time? because that's how it feels, certain movements slowly rise up out of other ones. the culture slowly slowly naturally shifts. but can i really trust in that to do the right thing? surely there's an equal chance it will just go back, or stagnate?
#711 - 2025/06/16
very strange
#710 - 2025/06/16
#709 - 2025/06/16
tessentially: i don't like the message of the story because it's either about something so vague that it barely appluies to anyone ("Don't go into other peoples' business, true crime is bad") or it's something so all0-encompassing that it's dangerous ("Choose your own truth, don't both to find out what's actually true, because that destroys the happy illusion"). i can't wait to read reviews i only have like 5 hrs left of umineko content to go through rn lets gooooo yessss final stretch final streeetch I WANNA READ THE CRITIQUES (and then inevtitably get nowhere and grow bored because of course i do) but i'm going to try and get into a habit of going through more media and finishing it so i can do this. at the very least, it seems more entertaining than hanging around in the same 2 fandoms all the time.
#708 - 2025/06/16
#707 - 2025/06/16
#706 - 2025/06/15
i feel like i should start making reviews and proper essays but i don't feel organised enough to properly structure them. it'll jsut be me making some observations and mostly complaining about stuff i don't like. i guess it's a way to keep track of all the Media I Have Consumed (for lack of a better word, despite me hating the word "consumption" or "content" for this kind of thing), but it's not exactly going to be a "level-headed analysis." because i can't structure anything. i just end up repeating the same points over and over and wrongly, probably because i've never been taught how to make an essay, and i don't know where to start now. helpppppppp
#705 - 2025/06/15
anyway i want to get a better 3ds browser (a homebrew one) so i can browse neocities on it. we'll see (this is ironic because i have not found much of substance i actually like on THAT many neocities sites, most people just have some basic bio that i can click off in like 1 minute, so browsing the indie web isn't super interesting for the most part rn)
im not like the other mentally ill people...... im MEAN and dont care about "self-improvement....." and i DON'T want to "chill out and drink a coffee" because i have SEVERE ATTENTION SPAN ISSUES and PHYSICALLY CRINGE at the idea of having fun... /hj (maybe i should make a page on what i mean by "hj" because it's essentially "the sentiment is right, but i exaggerate it or simplify it in a way that's innacurate and comedic." i don't like the idea that "hj bad" because let's be real here, ALL social communication is always inherintly flimsy. definitions are always personally-defined, and that's what causes conflicts about like 15% of the time, and the other 85% the fight is at least fueled by a weird defdinition causing comfuction).
#704 - 2025/06/14
1, sick of my friends making bad takes and then feeling like i'm in the wrong for questioning them (not that them disagreeing with me is inherintly wrong, more that the inherint pressure of trying to fight against what could be multiple people is too high, too high to the point that i freak out, not wanting to damage my reputation. i don't want things to change, so i would rather not say anything, which leads to me just boiiiiiling on my own in silence, hating their opinions in my head)
2, sick of my friends blatantly ignoring what i actually enjoy doing and not engaging with me on those activities, especially when it comes to the OPPOSITE of this, which is actively doing things i don't particularly like while i'm there. like yeah you don't have to constantly please me, but it's weird to not even comment on the fact that about 70% of the time i'm not actually having fun and 5-10% of the time you're just talking about something i literally Can't talk about (without warning, despite knowing I'm right there).
3, sick of feeling like i have to fix other peoples' problems and working relatively hard to help other people get their things dont and sort out their own biases and general mental blockages stopping them from doing the things they want to do, and then it not working and me just getting silently fustrated about it (which obviously is not good for someone trying to be a listener). i wouldn't say the fix is "just be normal and stop trying to play the role of a therapist" but what's the other option? see my friends suffering and go "that's bad anyway wanna hop on fortnite"? i don't even LIKE fortnite why do you want me to say this kind of stuff.
4, sick of feeling like people are watching me on social media - it's very hard to have a constructive conversation when there are a lot of people weighing in
5, sick of not really caring either which ways about anyone (probably the result of all the afforementioned things, i generally don't feel loved as a person even if i am technically loved as an asset and token for the attention i give to them)
so now i'm basically considering not interacting with any of my friends for multiple weeks at this point because i am just SICK. of it. all of it. nobody bothers to think about what's behind the curtain, the subtext of my words, the life that leads up to holding the certain behaviours i have. do they not see? do they see it, and not care? i don't understand. like yeah, obviously most people do just say exactly what they think, but there's also people who Don't. and it seems a bit weird for someone who has generally talked about feeling isolated and depressed, WHILE IN A CALL WITH OTHER PEOPLE, to not have something going on behind the scenes. and they just... don't ask about that? the best i have gotten is a "oh why is that? i hope you're not feeling too bad" or something kinda along those lines, which i mostly brushed off. and yes i talk to like 8-10 people relatively frequently, only one of them commented on this in any meaningful way. it really gives the vibe of, "out of sight out of mind" or whatever. that they see something and assume it's a.. joke? i don't really get it. it relaly just feels like purposeful ignorance.
and i do think that if i disappear for like 2 weeks people will notice - i'm not blind enough to think that "oooh everyone hates me they wont care when i'm gone" because that's so stereotypically depressed that if that was my issue it would be solved at this point. the point is to test my own sanity. what changes? what do i miss? is there anything i can realise, once the show is put on hold? what can i change?
ultiamtely, this is just a desperate attempt to change anything, that i'm probably not even going to go through with, because let's be frfr here i'm flaky. most likely i'll log onto discord in the evening tomorrow and i'll get hooked again by accident because, "well i've broken the challenge now!!!"
but if i do do it, what would the aftermath be?? probably not much. it's mostly just a selfish way to clear my own mind, i think. i'm aware that it's selfish, but what else can i do?
in the meantime, i might generally just try to find things to do outside of social media. like i might genuinely try to "100% the dictionary", and try some new video games WITHOUT the pressures of other people around me. i want to hone my skills. i want to do something solitary that isn't desperately reliant on the approval of other people around me.
reading all this it sounds awfully edgy and i suppose it is, but that's moreso the way i'm phrasing it, and less the actual issue itself. you could argue i wouldn't be in this situation in the first place if i wasn't immature, which i do agree with, but now i'm here i don't think there's really any good options.
tldr: sick of peoples' behaviour so i'm probably going to stop using discord for a while to prove a point and also to see what actually changes about my own behaviour. also i'm far too edgy for my own good, or eanyone's good for that matter.
#703 - 2025/06/13
if i'm too soft and too pacifistic in my speech, nobody will take me seriously as my heart screams out in pain at their cruel remarks
if i'm too harsh and repremanding in my speech, my forceful and non-negociable point of view and tone will convince no-one
i literally Cannot Win
it doesn't matter how i act because people will not change their beliefs anyway, because realistically, nobody cares about what's actually right. they just care about what's convinient for their existing actions. we will look to justify things we already do, with false arguments - and once those arguments are inevitably disproven by someone, we plug our ears, and sing "lalalala i cant hear you". it's so tspmo gamer squad chat guys. and that also probably applies to me, too, in ways i don't even notice. and i htae that so much. but i hate it even more if i'm the only one NOT doing it.
on other news; i want to 100% the dictionary but idk how. like yeah i can check off words but then what? maybe i should go through with a bookmark a few times and then start checking words off on each full readthrough until i know them off by heart.
me of whom which sees one thing i like and desperately feels a single drop of affection towards them and says "is this romantic attraction" . crazy to me that this is a consistent theme with me across probably all of my life and that this thing i think is "romatnci attraction" (aka: feeling positive feelings towards a person instead of a deep sense of apathy and carelessness stemming from rejection and resentment) is actually just the thing people have with literally all of their friends? wow what a good life, it's actually shocking. that it's that easy. to some people. why do you guys complain about "money" and whatnot? you literally feel joy. i don't get it. i thinmk people don't get my issues because they assume a baseline level of happiness and socialibility for everyone in the world, and when someone appears as generally empathetic they assume that means i am like. happuy around other people? i think there is a fundamental misconception there that people don't actually bother to check because they simply dont Get It.
a long time ago, i may have felt it. but i can't prove or disprove it. all i know now, is that it's gone, and i just keep up with people as a formality - no, as a hope. i hope that one day this lie will turn into love (hoshino ai!!! this is probably why i relate to her so much!!! it's not necessarily a romantic thing, it's a "hoshino ai is aplatonic and autistic and alexithemiya-coded and she is just like me frfr" thing!!! it's also called Mental ILlness but it's not really a specific one i dont think!! anhedonia?? thats not an illness)
we talk so much about "love" as the lgbtq community as we assume that's how everyone feels, but that's not really how it works? there is no real linking point between the queer community which is why i find it funny when people complain about "gatekeeping" but also people complain about "these people arent queer" or whatever. like there is no definition of what this group means. it's literally entirely socially defined what is bro yapping about. it's like complaining about the definition of art. there IS no definition. the definition is just "what people think it is." art does not exist. art is just a convinient word used to describe a certain concept. queer is a convinient word jused to describe a certain role in society. but they can change. not because "definitions are meaningful but they shift," but no - because the categories are just a convinience in the first place. the category itself means nothing, it's just a tool of communication. why is this so hard to realise for a community who supposedly realises "social constructs". anyway i should stop friendlyfiring for rn
the constant battle of "do i post this thought/idea to tumblr or to neocities" because if i post it to one, my adooring fan(s) on one will not be able to see the peak on the other! but i also can't crosspost because well ummm....... doxxing isn't it
seagulls keep going outside my house, if they do this into october i'm calling it an umineko reference
my friends(?) are making me mad about constantly talking about deltarune while i'm there even though i made a half-joking song about how they should shut up about deltarune /srs like and then one of them started to say "well um X is not a spoiler because it's just a Y" like i really dont care bro you should not be talking about this in the first place considering i literally cannot react at all to it. it's like constantly bringing up school around someone who does not go to school. as if you expect them to respond???? ig its talking to the other people there but it's clearly exclusionary and it's TSPMO chat
but i also cant exactly BLAME them considering i didnt make a proper stance on it aside from a meme (see: the beginning of this entry)
like what is the "mustard" and "mango" thing, i literally keep saying "PLEASE EXPLAIN" to people and they just refuse to. like do they think im joking? one of them said mustard is like a song or smth but. it's also a brainrot? and there's a weird emoji now?? where did this originate
at this poiont i am. this is like. you know. i think its pretty obvious why i lack faith in humanity and generally do not really consider my friends my friends when it seems like they actively put in effort to *not* respect and think about my perspective in any meaningful way. it is also pretty obvious why i keep yapping about "someone who just digs deep into what i say and meaningfully tries to understand it" because nobody else does that. for my whole life nobody has really engaged with any of the things i've ever said on a meaningful level aside from maybe my dad, but now my beliefs are starting to diverge from his quite a lot, it's just fustrating (like how he seems to think more regulations fixes things. it's giving "i like the police as a concept i just think theyre corrupt rn"-core which is so. hhhhhhhhhhhhh disappointing ig). and my mum does listen to me but she constatntly misunderstands things and it just makes me angry. arguably unfairly so but it's still Annoying because even if i do go OUT OF MY WAY TO EXPLAIN THINGS, at the end of it all, she still doesnt agree with me. like really thanks bro i spent all that effort explaining to you and then you just go "ohhh well i hear your point but. i dont know! ill think about it!" THE CONVERSATION *IS* THE THINKING ABOUT IT. IF YOU LOSE A DEBATE THEN THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP YOUR EXISTING POINTS BECAUSE INHERINTLY IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A COUNTERARGUMENT, AND THE "OPPONENT" IS PLAYING FAIR, THEN YOUR OPINION IS LITERALLY FACTUALLY PROVED WRONG?? WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT. Literally no matter what I do to Be Right, people will simply choose to Be Wrong because it means not having to change their opinion and accept The Child is right. Yes I am /srs right now /srs
anyway i wrote a lot in this one (maybe this took 15-20 mins idk????) but this page is REALLY starting to get laggy but idk how to seperate it. maybe i could use that one diary template thing that one person posted ( i think its doqms????? i follow them but i also dont really know what they do on their website. it seems to lack substance to me, theres not much frequent updating. unsure. but the template is still good probably)
but this page wont disappear, you can download it if you really find some sort of strange comfort in its existence. i am strongly anti-deletion-of-things in general. information is not inherintly dangerous - it is only bad because people use it as a way to hold people down (this is formed by multiple traumatic events) (not going into it rn mostly because im socially Not Allowed to, even though i almsot certainly will one day). this is also ironic considering i have deleted some accounts to cover my tracks in the past. but i dont WANT to do that. i just have made social media accounts as secret things, because yeah, i think since maaaybe i was about 9 and a half i started hiding things and since then it spiralled out of control into general madness. is this what they call "madness?" to me it seems logical. i think it's just uncommon to actually be a logical extremist. i break things down until the meaning is destroyed. that is the "truth," that it doesn't mean anything. can we, as a society pls stop collectively trying to pretend as if there are inherint meanings to certain things when there Arent. its a coping mechanism i think.
#702 - 2025/06/13
i feel like there's something funny about fitting supposedly "weirdos" into a framework that is entirely still based on the heterosexual "platonic-romantic-sexual" dichotomy. and don't even get me started on the fact that platonic was a word which essentially means what romantic attraction means nowadays (it meant deep romantic affection). this is part of the issue, the terminology is literally a loop. people say, "you don't get it unless you feel it!" but how do you know if you feel it or not? it could all be a lie. you could feel it and be wrong. which is further proof YOUR IDEALS are wrong.
extend your logic.
find the endpoint.
only then will the "truth" be found.
if it's moderate, if you don't go the full way..... you're accepting that your ideology is not fully true. that your idology is only good if you semi-follow-through on it. and at that point, you've just proved yourself wrong.
so, extend your logic to the extents of the earth, until you can break it, or prove it as absolute.
if you fight against it by saying "b-b-b-b-b--b-b-but----" like one of my friends did... it';s like.... ok so if i logically question you, then you just back into "w-w-w-well you're putting words into my mouth" YES THAT'S THE POINT. i'm listening to what your ideology ACTUALLY ENTAILS in a PRACTICAL AND FULL EXTENT and you're denying it, because you don't ACTUALLY believe in the words you're saying. you're just saying things that comfort yourself without it truly makign sense.
i truly hate this and i truly hate it all, all of it. anti-intellectualism? refusal to accept the self as wrong? refusal to accept what is "extreme" simply because it is extreme? i don't think you realise... that whatever is "extreme" is just whatever is far from what is "normal." it doesn't mean it's wrong.
once again; if you think you are such a weirdo, why do you still conform to exactly what the status quo wants of you? i don't see the majority of lgbtq people to actually be revolutionary in any sense of the word. you're not redefining gender, you're just saying what's there, and using it to your own advantage. you're not actually looking at what it is, not looking at the core of the concept. you're just riding on the wave of what's already accepted, or becoming accepted, defining yourself as "revolutionary" despite all you are doing is just... listening to what is popular theory at this point. mate "respect peoples' pronouns" is not revolutionary it is simply common sense. you are not the end-all-be-all of humanity, you are not "progressive" just by accepting whatever ideology is popular and Sounds Nice. that's not how it works. you are still, once again, holding the words of your oppressors in your heart.... ohhhhh myyyy goddddd ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#701 - 2025/06/13
the popular opinion of the past is now considered outdated by the present day. and much like those views of the bygone days, the beliefs of the modern day will be shunned and eventually replaced by those of the future. so, knowing that, i wonder what the me of today is doing so horribly wrong wrong
be generous and suffer or be selfish and suffer slightly less but at least youre in denial
because you can try to do the right thing and depict it as "cool" but ultimately there's only so much you can live off of the coolness, like a hero with your life on the line, before you realise it's not as fun as the fiction depicts it as
that's my opinion
i'm worried
#700 - 2025/06/13
#699 - 2025/06/13
just a thought
also i have such bad opsec because lying is bad
#698 -2025/06/12
i hate it
you know
that thing
the thing
It
that consumes all it touches
it's called "the truth (?)"
going to sleep when the birds begin to sing
i tend to lie to myself/have logical mis=-steps because i get easily upset
"teeheee i'm a little bit eeevil nyahahaha!" no yoiure not its called complacency and acting like being mildly mischevious and irritting is some kind of cardinal sin or whattever the christians think actually i have no idea despite living near a church and being in a christian country (stays inside 99.5% of the time what do you expect, the stat isn't even that much of an exaggeration ngl)
i have a foundation of principles you just have to look into it (nobody will look into it because i seem insane) (you know if you looked into it and fully decontstructed it i would be happy too - these thoughts are a burden, you know)
im in follower hell (19-20 followers why does it keep changing)
i'm extremely serious about being moderate.
"balance" is a cop-out word that we use when we can't dispell the passage of time.
but entropy, too, will begin to destroy what was once reasonable to you
"i looked for it, inside the box
after ten years of waiting, i opened it up
but there was nothing inside, nothing but the air
the air i had always been breathing"
the issue isnt the sleep schedule really, yes being tired is bad but it really is just fixed by Just Sleeping. as in; "i dont wanna sleep because when i wake up i might not wanna get out of bed" is a bad rhetoric because the other option is just not sleeping at all and then youll still be depressed. your sleep or lack of sleep will not change your mental illness it will jsut change certain effectts of it. if you uncloud your mind from the rage because you feel trapped by y our own body wanting rest, then you will realise how "not big of a deal" it really is. it's called "maturity" (rare niicespiice w, even though it's a minor one)
why do i always do queer friendlyfire? because we have fundamentally different "meanings", readings of the truth, in our hearts. i also could complain all i like about capitalism but it's so simplistic there's nothing really to say. "capitalism bad. facist america bad." but really that's not my biggest problem. i think the truth is, i focus on identity politics because its what affects ME the most. i cant have friends because they disagree with my perception of identity at a fundamental leve. they have the typical perceptionm of how it works whereas i dont. they havea "philosophy of stuff," as a splatoon youtuber put it on how the weseterb scene sees competitive gameplay. but i don't relaly. like it's not "gender = nb" it's not even trying to fill in the gender box. by tryinmg to defy what binds you, you desperately try to reaffirm your uniqueness, ironically doing it in the exact same way your oppressors first oppressed yoiu. all youve done is expanded the box - you can breathe now. but you're still not free, you're still trapped in a cage.
and so am i
#697 - 2025/06/12
actually the truth is that people already do that by having converstaions with me/with eachoither, this is what "talking" is for. i just don't r eciprocte because ahhhhhhhhhhh too wokeeee unless you listen to all my arguments and fully agree with them then hhhhh
tldr i want someone to Actually Listen To Me because if they did then they would agree with my fundamental principles (with love it can be seen) and i use violence as an allegory for being understood
ooh fundamental priniciples thats cool maybe i should write them down (That's a lie, I almost certainly won't)
also today i woke up at like 8am which made me feel tired even though i TRIED TO FALL BACK ASLEEP MULTIPLE TIMES my body just kept WAKING ME UP because its HOMOPHOBIC or sometjing (woke cope part 3) and then i was on a vc with my friend but i got stressed (circa 9pm) and then i went into my bed to curl up because all my motivation went to about 0.2% which is bad so i laid there and accidentally fell asleep (idk what i was expecting) but of course my body woke me up 2 hours later because it always does this if i try to fall asleep early. IT KNOWS. and it HATES ME for it! so now its 4am and im not reallyu that tired becausethanks guys
i know i'm not the only one like this and i definitely need to grow out of it but (i say this with my own intent for betterness, NOT the pressures and guilt of other people, this is the speech of a stable mindset and not wailing /srs)... i'll be damned it it ain't tricky!! (say it in a vaguely texan accurent i think that's the right word)
#696 - 2025/06/12
#695 - 2025/06/12
i say this without feeling empty or even THAT angry because im playing the song "emptiness and" (yes thats the sitle) on osu and its making me feel Cool or something so you know. its from "twewy" whatever that game is (i just heard the title a few times) so i should probably find a rom. the rom being in a legally-obtained gamecard of cours!!!!!
one of my friends apparently struggles to tell what parts of me are sarcastic and what arent but also hes not woke enough he wouldnt stand post-meta-irony-deluxe-edition-premeta-edition and he also doesnt understand my point about sports but whatever
#694 - 2025/06/12
i was thinking about how like the point is. i don't "love" aperson (at least, not as far as i know i have experienced), it's like. there's this insanity factor to it ig? it's "someone who finally agrees with me! i am no longer alone in this world, i am.. two!!!" but it gets cut short because i realise they are an individual person with more things i dislike than things i like. or more like, the dislike is enough for me to "boycott" them ig. i like certain traits of a person but i don't like a whole person and i don't knwo if this is a Thing that more people experience or not. like i usually DO have a favourite character but i cant seperate them from the narrative. like yes i can seperate them from the narrative but like. i aknowledge them as an element of a larger piece. i don't genuinely think the characters are some kind of indivudial entity. i think this is why people with their OCs that just have random lore really bothers me, because it's inherintly in opposition to my worldview of "Building Blocks" that make up bigger wholes. but anyway
the point is that this makes a good character, a character who is depicted as desperately "In love" with the first thing they see as brilliant, to the point of insanity and going to crazy lows (self-sacrifice, they might keep up a facade of being socially acceptable except around a few people) and just generally.... denying the fact that this "love interest" is anything but that one trait they liked so long ago. and it drives them insane until one thing HAS to snap that makes them realise and that facade of love comes crumbling down. this is similar to another charcet KIND OF but im not going to spoil it
it's good, but it's not for any of my existingg works, so i won't use it
but yeah anyway it doesnt matter how much you "love" one thing because the hate is overpowering
#693 - 2025/06/12
new video just dropped ig but im not thatttt proud of it
had some interesting????? converstaions with my friends???? like one of them agrees with me on the gender thing but it doesnt really matter anyway because im never going to become really friends with him because its like. hes withdrawn
and then one of the people semi-spoiled deltarune (minor spoiler ig) by saying that susie is "obessed with a deer" which is like....... 😭😭 i hate even "minor" spoilers because a character's self should be revealed at the pace the author intends which can be intentionally slow-paced in a certain way to subvert expectations. it ruins the art and it's TSPMO chat
and just small stuff like that will send me back into depression or whatever idk. well it's also that on top of the "doesn't matter who it is because there will always be something about them that makes me not like them/trust them/they wont trust me" so who cares
i also drafted a rant about sme stuff in my phone yesterday so i might post it here later
anyway it's so easy to hate but so hard to love
#692 - 2025/06/12
not necessily anxiety dirosrder but whatever. my sleep has been making e really angyr/feel builty for the past few days abd i keep getting woken up multiple times for no reason and its confusing
splatoon update is out but im stressed because i want to make a vidoe OH YEAH my deltarune diss track comes out later today!M
,br>
the fact that i have a drumming lesson later is making me anxious
i also dont like how i woke up Warm. this hapened yesterday where i woke u p, then went back to sleep, then woke up,,,, multiple times. and i'm; unable to go back to sleep the final time because i no longer feel fresh. tell me why my body KEEP waking me up for what seems to be no reason just to make me feel ~warm~ i despise it
so i changed clothes but i still fe el a bit warm so i turned my fan on but that doiesnt fix everything because my eyes are still being Eyes and i need to wear my glasses i need to wear my glasses b ut of course i dont because nothioong comes easy for me so i have to fix them with the spray but of course thats not that simple becacause when i use the spray its still going to be smudgy afterwards because nothingcomes easy to me so i have to ask my mother to do it which fills me with a sense of gui--------
WHY IS . EVRYTHING SO DIFFICULT. can you SEE why i'm constantly angry at this point (talking to nobody in particular)
WHY IS NOBODY ELSE ANGRY WHY IS IT ONLY ME. why do the thingsthat matter most to me, why muist i carry them alone unlike the other people who seem to do it fine without issue? you could say "then ask for help" ASK FOR HELP FROM WHO BUDDY. WHO IS GOING TO HELP ME WITH MAKING DDLC FANFICTION. *NOBODY COMPETENT, THAT'S FOR SURE* and if they're not going to bring anything new to the table then i don't want them in my project but then the----
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HEEEEEEEEEEEELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP I HATE WAKING UP I HATRE IT I HHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
but no matter how mkuch i scream, my vision is still blury
clean your glasses.
#691 - 2025/06/11
jump out window because someone is mistreating you: 😱omg r u ok!!! im so sorry for you...
throw someone else out of window because they are mistreating you: 😡ERM. NOT OKAY. KYS!!!
i hate this
(disclaimer im not actually doing either of those things but i often feel like i would like to throw people out of windows! because there's no other option to make them take me seriously! but i don't actually do it because i'm not evil. the issue here is that people won't believe me / take me seriously no matter how serious i am about somehting, which again, just comes back to bigotry. if we solved that (impossible challenge) then there would be no more "niicespiice try not to get glass injury challenge HARD!!")
this is just a thing i was thinking about because my friend said they nearly tried to jump out of a window because one of their family members was in their room but just being really Awful. which i completely understand but i was thinking, what would i do in that situation. my reaction would be to make them go away, but i know that makes me look stupid and generally pathetic, so my other reaction would be Assault, buit i also wouldn't do that because it's bad, so then i look even MORE stupid not doing anything, which makes me want to do the afforemention violence even more because people don't------------- THIS IS SO STUPID AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
logic loop
#690 - 2025/06/09
#689 - 2025/06/09
sorry that was unecessarily mean
#688 - 2025/06/09
#687 - 2025/06/08
#686 - 2025/06/08
#685 - 2025/06/08
,br>
idk if doing to sleep will make my problems go away. this is what people seem to actl ike but i simply do not believe them
#684 - 2025/06/08
#683 - 2025/06/08
i don't trust "happy" people, so i guess i don't want people to get better, as much as i say i want people to be "saved". i'll just move onto someone new who's broken. and yet paradoxically i find their kinds of attitudes kinda annoying and hypocritical so who knows what i want! exactly! "do i want to suffer?" idk me! who knows really trololololol
#682 - 2025/06/08
#681 - 2025/06/08
#680 - 2025/06/07
hey, why won't this overflowing feeling in my chest turn into a song?
#679 - 2025/06/07
#678 - 2025/06/07
like this is me half-meming. but the point is moreso that if i DO have an issue that caused that, then i would realise it first. NOT you. stop trying to project onto me, it's messed up
(only started thinking about this because of how many people look back to like, 3 years ago, and go "wow i was CRINGE BACK THEN!!" as if this is some kind of objective fact of the universe. no it's not. you just think it's cringe because you have no empathy. either that or you simply had a skill issue back then. shoulda been smart. innit mate. trolololol)
its especially annoying when people say stuff like "oh in a few years X, in a few years Y," as if you can know it for certain. NOTHINGS GOING TO CHANGE! THE ONLY THING THAT WILL CHANGE IS YOU, AND THE WAY YOU SEE ME. I WILL, FUNDAMENTALLY STILL BE THE SAME. and if youre just going to wait 4 years so you can start respecting me more, without even requiring me to change, then im sorry but YOU are the problem here and inherintly that already proves my arguments right (based off of umineko logic rn)!!!! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (basically vagueposting that my dad was saying/apologising that having an argument with me in the present day "isn't fair on me" and in the future we will ""be on a more even playing field because im older."" what????????????????????????????? literally what will change in a few years. the fact that he respects my opinoins more???????? THATS GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PASSAGE OF TIME MATE! IT'S JUST SEEING MY AGE NUMBER GO UP AND USING THAT AS AN ARBITRARY WAY TO DECIDE ON IF YOU RESPECT SOMEONE OR NOT! AHHHH! WHY CANT PEOPLE JUST LISTEN TO WHAT I ACTUALLY SAY INSTEAD OF WHAT THEY *ASSUME* IM SAYINg. STOP FILLING IN THE BLANKS. LET THE TRUTH BE UNKNOWN, STOP IMNAGINGING STUFF. WORST CASE SCENARIO, IMAGINE THE THING THAT BACKS UP MY ARGUMENT *THE MOST.* BECAUSE THATS PROBABLY THE THING THAT *IS* ALREADY TRUE!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#677 - 2025/06/07
and yet, i see something about them and go, "that was fun." but in the end, as a whole, i don't think i like any single person that much - aside from myself, maybe?
but this is what i mean by "if you say you hate yourself, people tell you to live. if you love yourself, they tell you to die." aka, someone who hates everyone else and becomes depressed because of it, is called narcissitic as an insult. someone who hates themselves is pitied by all. it's ironicm really
not that i want bad things for other peolpe though. it's just more that, i know they all disagree with me, and will cause me to suffer. all the differences in humanity that are supposedly "good" and "what makes worth living," are just what make me suffer. so if it was a world of just me, then it would probably be better..... i say, kidding myself. that's just boring. and besides, that would mean killing everyone. that's not fair. ultimately, i don't want them to suffer, because i do like them. just not enough to trust them, or believe in their false sappy messages of "believe in yourself." i just want something to give me that strong feeling of hope, you know? i don't want to be this sensitive anymore. because i don't know why it happens
also i know why the name doesn't fit; because it's a character. the name "spice" is obviously very much one imbued with certain ideals, which do not always reflect me. that's, i think, why a more plain and human-soundinfg name is probably better, like alex or someting random. but i'm not going to change my name to that, because that also doesn't fit. it's too forgettable. i want to stand out, so i'll make myself a character - i'll rob myself of my humanity for the sake of profits.
well that was very overly edgy and not really representive of my curent emotional state! i've just been looking into DDLC content all day, i'm not actually upset rn because when i woke upat alike 2pm i decided what i wanted to do and just Did It. did a LITTLE bit of drawing.still extremely angry about my lack of side-on human p[erspective knowlede, as well as not really understanding how to give different body types their characterisitcs. but anyway. i'm trying to really dig deep into what it would take to give ddlc a "happy ending" without hte meta elements. i want to dig deep into what makes these character special and give an actual good take that the other mod writers have never been able to.
anyway yeah that yap isn't really meaningful. the only current issues are just me not being able to do, or really wanting to do, what i need to do
#676 - 2025/06/07
#675 - 2025/06/07
生きたいが死ねと言われ / 死にたいが生きろと言われ / 幸せ自慢はダメ？ 不幸嘆いてもダメ？ / 図々しい言葉を避け 明るい未来のため
#674 - 2025/06/07
#673 - 2025/06/06
tldr; child who hates that their friends who are 2-3 years older are moving ahead of them, blames capitalism
#672 - 2025/06/06
it was probably just realising the things i DO want to do
i also probably just have a m assive trigger of people being dismissive to me in a very specific way. but i dont know what way that actually is. and then something in that causes me to spiral into other things like "the world is doomed/empty/i am alone" type stuff? fake friends?? but why?, when iliterally like yesterday i was like "this is fine i like my friends"?? s omething mustve happened idk
like i didnt even say anything big. it was just a tiny tiny callout but it made me .... die. idk. this is just something people would say "immature cope trololol" but i think there's something deeper? but why? it's definitely worse with certain people too
#671 - 2025/06/06
#670 - 2025/06/06
really upset still about my dad's misreading of something and then his reaction to it. even if it was true, i still despise it (basically i was complaining about how therapists legally(?) have to tell authorities if their clients confess to something that is "BadTM" (whatever they agree as "severe" which is just whaever THEY think is too far, whatever The Status Quo says, and therefore it stops being true unconditional love and true speaking, neurotypical-isms (it's bad)) and he s uddenly read that as me saying i said i was going to kill myself to my therapist one time???? like what???? i don't even care if that's how he read it. the issue is how he had a Shocked Expression and tspmo because it's like...... mate if that's really how you react to that then you fundamentally Do Not Understand my character. really shows how little he understands other people in general)
hate it hate it hate it
ad i also hate how my friend got as a reaction when i said i was going to do something. likfe i swear all they said was, "i'd rather you not do that" but it comes off as so dismissive. i hate it. why does this stuff affect me so much? someone help
this is why i'm a uitomo believer............
#669 - 2025/06/06
#668 - 2025/06/06
so once again, what is the recipe to create that kind of person? and why at times, does it become me? and why, at times, do i fall apart once more?
i'm sensitive, so i need to learn to bounce back. but why? how? what happened? don't go off the deep end - i don't want to be patronised - i don't want to be loved in the incomprehensible way you do - yet i wwant to be loved - no, i want to love something whole-heartedly - and yet i don't - and so i ruin it for myself again - but why? it really, truly is all in my head - so we just end up where we were before - just a single step away from drowning - because i can't swim - because i'm not you
because i wasn't born with that recipe
#667 - 2025/06/06
#666 - 2025/06/06
there we go that's my 666 entry on the 6th of the 6th month i hope you're happy
because i keep upsetting people for some reason and i don't really knopw whose fault it is. or at least, i READ it as upset. i don't like it, i really dont
#665 - 2025/06/06
or just pinocchiop in general (MY OSHI) (he's probalby going to get into some controversy and drop off the face of the earth isn't he. just my luck)
would be kinda funny if i waited until exactly one year from now so i could get entry #666 to be on 2026/06/06 but sadly i am simply not that dedecated to the bit
#664 - 2025/06/06
and yet it's already ruined, so changing my actions won't change a thing about reality
as in; regardless of if i pay attention to people or not from here on out, it's still doomed - once a piece of media becomes someone else's, and you start playing a character of a fan, you don't even know WHY you were there in the first place. you don't know who you are anymore. so, even if i stop listening now, nothing ultimately would change. i don't think "being myself" in this circumstance matters - i just need to have a thicker skin, or something like that (a.k.a. feeling less uncomfortable about other peoples' opinons about media). so, because i can't get any stronger, i just end up doing nothing at all.
#663 - 2025/06/06
on another side, i did vague investigation into the enneagram nonsense. it is technically a pseudoscience but it's like character analysis - i don't think everyone necessarily fits into these types correctly, but i reckon most people could be pinned to them in a way that makes sense, you know? because my dad has always been very like.... anti things that pretend to be scientific but are commonly disliked as being unscientific, i feel like i ahve to justify myself on this one. because it's "illogical" to try and find myself and other people in it (even if it's not illogical at all).
you could say it's more meaningful to just lear nepeople on a person-to-person basis, but it's not about that. it's about feeling SEEN. i think that's the point of it there
so all that being said i'm probably a 4w5. 1, 4, and 5 seem to fit me the best. the others seem very unrelated to me and it surprises me that those categoires would fit ANYONE AT ALL - but i guess that goes to show the fact that no, it's not ALL just a bunch of vague nonsense anyone can relate to. because i could probably fit into type 1 as well, but then it doesn't have the w5 which is bad because i also relate to that. so that's why i'm CHOOSING to set the label of "4w5" because it's more like me than ummm "1w2" or something. because 5 is literally just existential chrisis: the dude. and if that's not me-core, then i don't know what is.
#662 - 2025/06/05
i'll just sit here, and do nothing, unable to choose (non-breath oblige)
#661 - 2025/06/05
essentially the murder plot could have been cool with the setup, but the execution is the most boring, tropey nonsense ever. i'm not going to exactly spoil it here, but it's a twist on the danganronpa formula that i like. but as i said, the execution (not the literal character murder execution but the DELIVERY of it) is so dull. because it relies on the "crazy psychopath murder lulz" trope. it's actually awful. i think they were trying to go for horror, and it's definitely horror from ONE of the character's perspecitves, but from an overal thematic standpoint it's just....... so insulting. the "psychopath murderer" trope is annoying because the whole poiont of danganronpa is to push normal people, normal people who YOU can empathise with, to insanity. the point arguably shows how when ANYONE is pushed far enough, they can do anything, even something as bad as murder. it is deeply humanising to the characters, and arguaby shows how people can commit evil acts despite still being human. so yeah sdra2 throws that STRAIGHT out the window with the culprit. literally just "crazy person." whicxh is also insulting in another way - yes, a SECOND way to completely undercut the chapter's storytelling potential - which is to not only make them a crazy killer to throw the THEMES under the bus, but to also um....... just be bad mental health rep? which does admittely sound kind of silly but i just Don't Like that kind of thing. because as i mentioned before, danganronpa is about an exaggerated, but ultimately human cast. to have a crazy murderer, who you have no reason to sympathise with, is the opposite of that - and it COULD have been done in a way to give a good insight into peoples' minds who are ACTUALLY sociopaths. to show that just because someone has no empathy, it doesn't mean *you* can't empathise with *them.* but of COURSE they wouldn't do that. of course they wouldn't use the series' strengths to do something good, that could genuinely postiviely impact some peoples' lives by destigmatising their existance. noooooo. because theyh have to make a crazy psychopath serial killer spooky roflcopter. it's just.... insulting. it basically shows a misunderstanding of empathy, being unable to empathise with their OWN CHARACTER that they wrote (probably because they couldn't come up with any good reason to have another murderer), and it's extra ironic because danganronpa is ment to be ABOUT empathy and humans being twisted to do "evil" things. but nope. the culprit was just... born that way! evil! wow! great! really good writing their linuj! i love danganronpa another series!
okay and now on the first game. it's just Mid. i admittedly teared up a LITTLE BIT at some sections but like... come on. it's not HARD to make me cry a little. anything can make me do that. that still doesn't undermine the fact that about 75% of the game is boring and i just wnat to get to the good bit. i think chapter 4 is tense, arguably good horror. it genuinely shook me. iut's such a horrifying scenario. but i don't like how drawn out the trial is, even thoughthe actual resolution had some good scenes. it's just..... more of a tragic case, not really a good mystery.
i also think all the supernatural stuff in both games is kinda bad (dra chapter 6 character and sdra2 chapter 3 killing method). i know the ofificla series does this too though, so i'm not going to come down on it too hard.
anyway all in all, My Game Better, and also i want nintendo switch 2 please io'm getting fomo and it's only day 1
#660 - 2025/06/05
#659 - 2025/06/03
just found out that my mother was kind of a prankster when she was younger, which is interesting, because it's very much in stark contrast to how she currently behaves
#658 - 2025/06/03
i think im just too "fake political-leader-coded" for this (niicespiice when the people do not want to convince the other people of their ideology at all possible times: 😱)
#657 - 2025/06/03
#656 - 2025/06/03
idk this is very "non-abuse-victim"-pilled and kind of privelaged but this has always been my take. excuse me while i make the world a... worse place? or something like that?
it also feels very much like The Drama Treadmill. instead of seeing their hearts, you see a war of "who's right and who's wrong?" if the victim was actually a liar, they're the villain. if the abuser really was the abuser, they're the villain. picking sides until the end without trying to understand, for the sake of "accountability..." but how is this justice if it's just virtal murder? i can't expect everyone to understand these people, but it's also not true that anyone who sympathises with the "villains" are also BadTM.
#655 - 2025/06/03
i really like this song but i really do wish it went on for longer and was somehow deeper, but yknow, thats just the charm of early pinocchiop. he just grazes the surface of any given subject. because later pinocchiop usually feels a bit more developed overall.
#654 - 2025/06/02
we will continue to suffer, because you're not enough of a stan #sad
#653 - 2025/06/02
#652 - 2025/06/02
i think we need to keep copyright in the institutions because how else am i going to threaten people for doing things i don't like? it's honestly disgusting what people think they can get away with nowadays. bring back accountability and irreperably ruin the lives of the people we want to lock up! graaaahhhhh!!!
because it's my right to control what other people do
it's my right to give people things, and take them away when it's convinient for me
yes, i'm a good person
because the law agrees.
#651 - 2025/06/02
#650 - 2025/06/02
i appreciate the sympathy, but it wasn't about me. to think my opinions are about me, is to fundamentally musunderstand my points.
it's about the goodness of the world. yes, what i think is good for the world is shaped by MY experiences, but ultimately apologising to me isn't the point. i literally don't care what you think about me, personally. i care about what you do. i just want to see good things for everyone. really, that's all i want - for us to be free from all this meaningless noise.
if i were to say all that, it would partially be true. but it would partially be false, too. it would be nice if people liked me. i get upset when they don't. but still, the point remains; people seem to think morality has something to do with the self? it's not about it being self-serving. most of my ideas are things that actually don't benefit me personally! but i still think they're the right thing to do regardless of my own benefit. so when people start saying things like, "i'm sorry i didn't listen to you..." i don't care! just do it now, what i said! why is it so difficult to understand what's been in front of me this entire time?!
i thought children were supposed to be stupid, but you were the real stupid ones after all
#649 - 2025/06/02
#648 - 2025/06/02
#647 - 202/06/02
#646 - 2025/06/02
but they still won't believe you
because they never will
because it may mean life or death to you, but it's just a game to them
that's why they don't like you being honest
because they think you're being sensitive over a game
they don't see the heart, and conversely, i refuse to see theirs
it becomes a habit, to despise and to hate
therefore, this world, it never ends
goodbye
#645 - 2025/06/02
but it doesn't matter.
because soon, it won't affect me anymore.
i'll be free.
but at whose cost?
あちらが立てば こちらが立たず
#644 - 2025/06/02
this is anti-dni, anti-monogamy, anti-copyright posting. i can respect your boundaries, but i'm not going to be one of those people who seems to think all boundaries inherintly should be respected - because in cases like these, they seem inherintly a harmful boundary to have. to try to shelter yourself from opposing viewpoints or experiences, to cut them off from humanity just because you've become so desensitised to other human interaction that you see them as props that are "Harmful Or Not Harmful, Good People Or Bad People..." that's not how it works. you're robbing yourself of any other possibly *even slightly differing* opinions just because YOU find it uncomfrotable.
of course, i could be wrong
#643 - 2025/06/02
#642 - 2025/06/02
syupposed believers in freedom and individuality when they force people to be literate against their wills: 😎
not that being literate is somehow a bad thing. that's not the point. the point is that it's fascist-coded to force people to do things against their wills, regardless of what it is. doesn't matter if it helps people. the point is that, if someone doesn't make a choice on their own, they're never really going to care about it. like..... we have proof of this. there are many people from "Gen X" who were clearly brought up to Read And Write Properly and yet they just don't do it anyway. because it doesn't matter how much you force someone to do something against their will - as soon as you get your eyes off of them, they'll just revert to their actual choice. if you can't convince people to do it, and make them actually believe in it, then stop trying to make them do it.
freedom doesn't mean, "i'll be free to do what i want, and you'll be free to do what i want, but not any of the things you want, because those things are bad." it means "you'll be free to do what you want, even if it hurts you, or hurts other people." That's The Point. if you can't naturally teach people why these things are wrong, then don't unnaturally force it on them. again, facism-coded (me to literally any regulation ever). and also, "i respect your beliefs" only goes so far when you're doing everything you can to have a belief that is "i think you shouldnt be free to do what you want." free speech is bbasically useless considering it is literally just "if you have a Reasonable And Polite DiscussionTM about your Political Belief". this is stupid. again, it's proof that "if you do something that doesn't appeal to The Hive Mind then they will publically execute you." thanks guys really thanks :thumbs up:
now i'm angry and don't remember what i had to say, but there was something more
i think it's just more about freedom and "free speech for me but not for thee". again when people complain about free speech being infringed on by The Right its always in a very literal way. im not talking about that. im talking about the fact that non-conentional forms of expression, ones that people are PUSHED TO DO (aka revolution by force) because they HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE are illegal, despite them arguably being the only kind of free speech that these people CAN do because they have been PUSHED THAT FAR. you cant expect people to "talk reasonably and calmly" when they are being oppressed.
so-called "believers in freedom and individuality" when they see someone who is an individual: 😨 (they were being homophobic)
again, just because the belief is bad, doesn't mean your core beliefs of freedom and individualy should change juyst so you can make that person shut up. aka; if you believe in freedom, you shouldn't be advocating for stuff to be banned just because it's generally bad for society.
and yes this is a vaguepost about my father because i am criticising what he has specifically said he believes in the past (that "some sacrifices must be made on personal freedom so that generally most people can be free" but i think thats probably nonsense)
#641 - 2025/06/02
#640 - 2025/06/02
#639 - 2025/06/01
#638 - 2025/06/01
i also think the incongruence of the self, and it being in little bubbles that hold little physical sense, is probalby a "chronically online" thing (as the kids these days like to say) (inaccurate phrase though)
#637 - 2025/06/01
can people stop complaining about oversharing. like what else am i meant to do. shut up? people say "be yourself" and then pull this logic. i think YOU'RE the real one who should shut up if you dislike people Being Honest. genuinely just read someone's post on their website about how "oversharing on social media = bad!!!" and how you should "go to therapy." mate i literally disproved this like 1 hour ago get with the times maaaannnn
#636 - 2025/06/01
"if you are polarised and refuse to empathise then i won't empathise with you" is the main hypocrisy of asahara asuka, my main character i refuse to give an arc because theyre Me. well actually the arc concept is that t hey decide to love everyone genuinely unconditionally because um something freedom theme ig? but i have no idea as hto how that would actually occur in the context of a narrative. like why would that actually happen. cuz they realise theyre a hypocrite? thats lame bro. help
is it true that all depression starts with a lie?
segmented websites are interesting to me because like. "about me". someone's identity should be visible through the very pages of their writing, i think. humans aren't a bunch of segmented boxes to fill in. they're a web of connections. that is fundamentally how a brain works and therefore i guess that's why i find a lot of categories stupid. like "reigious or not religious." that's not a binary. even people who say they belong to one religion will still process that concept in a sliglhtly different way to another person who is also of that religion. the boxes are just convinient ways to vaguely get across the right thing we want to another person, a false telepathy, because ultimately we can't fully understand eachother. words are just the best way we can TRY to communicate that.
so therefore i find it interesting how people will have like, shrine parts of their website, as if those interests aren't part of their whole being. idk. i do the same thing as them currentluy because it's the way i've been brought up to think, but i think it might be more constructive if i were to have these things as more of a web, kinda like how the obsidian node tree thing is (obsidian my beloved its been so long since ive seen your face... you went off to the distant kingdom of linux and never returned)
oppressive governments are all governments because they fundamentally, usually, typically, under normal circumstances, Lack Empathy. the neurotypicals(?probably?) wont understand this. the ave mujica haters won't understand this, that's what i think
oh yeah i made a family tree today. that was ionterestins. have a look; i've doxxed myself for your entertainment! perhaps if i extend the branches far enough, one day i'll find you...?
#635 - 2025/06/01
on the topic of "british" it's very much like. a performantive identity. sure, i say "i'm british" as a descriptor sometimes, but that's a convenience. it's a convinience i use, so that other people can understand me with so many connotations that has, just through one word. it's an oversimplification for the sake of brevity. and much like a name, it doesn't feel like "me". and i don't think it ever will.
and that's okay. because i'm just the POV camera to this world
#634 - 2025/06/01
but again, the biggest discovery/idea i have is that depression is just a certain emotion being "depress"-ed. which is pretty obvious but nobody talks about it. everyone provides awful solutions like "go for a walk." that's not the issue here. it's not about self-help nonsense. this isn't some neurotypical person who had one bad thing happen to them once, like they got divorced. it is a fundamental inability to understand why people feel joy. that is a different thing, i think. but i think i know why
because my true anger has been "depressed". i have been silenced by the masses, no matter how stupid that phrase itself sounds. it disappears once you temporarily trick yourself into having a "plan to convince them all" or whatever. but of course, the plan will not go through. at least, not until a few years. and by then, who knows what could have changed.
i also think it's rather innocent and childish to suggest therapy as the answer to everything. usually i would have an angry response to this, but because i'm in a more reflective mood and don't need the validation of random reddit users, a dismissive comment with 21 upvotes isn't really an issue to me right now. it's just an abstract concept to discuss - that concept being, "get therapy." once again, it's kind of a neurotypical POV. the most "far gone" (? not really the right word but whatver) of us won't benefit because there's nothing they CAN say to help us. there's nothing they can DO either. therapy is a little push in the right direction, which doesn't work if your wings are fragile.
and also if you talk about trying to commit crimes or kill yourself they will probably institutionalise you or something so it doesn't work, it's panopticon-coded whoops i just triggered myself ummmmmmm i said i "wouldnt get angry" but just thinking about that again, thinking about the fact that nobody is safe as long as they go slightly off the driven path as they will slowly fall deeper and deeper into an uncontrollable hole until they go "too far" and then suddenly that's a reason to abuse them is... ummmmi HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH niicespiice triggers themselves compilation (3 hours long)
i don't like saying my name there it's weird. it doesn't matter if i chose my name, being reffered to as "spice" feels like a fictional character. names have always felt that way to me and i keep thinking about it. i keep getting an "intrusive thought"(?) which is literally just like. whenever i go down the stairs to get a drink. it is literally the line "niicespiice is going to kill himself." I KEEP HE/HIMMING MYSELF IN THIS RANDOM LINE WHICH ISNT EVEN TRUE. IM NOT EVEN GOING TO KILL MYSELF. WHAT IS THIS. GET OUF OF MY HEAD, ME! ME IS NOT MEANT TO BE IN MY OWN HEAD!
so yeah anyway that is mildly concerning but ultimately just a mild annoyance. all im saying is it feels more natural for me to be referred to as like, "You over there," or just having a mesasge directly responded to / pinged / pointed at / tapped on the shoulder irl. like i don't..... names..... hhhhhhhhh....... i dont like it feeling like people are identifying me, yknow? i dont like being reminded that the concept of "niicespiice" is something off in someone else's head, and it's not just a character of a distant famous person, that it's actually just their perception of me, it's.... yikes
anyway i checked my old yt channel earlier today and there were no comments of people reminiscing and wanting me to come back so. TRhat's fun. the fact that all my work is ultimately empty because nobody actually wants me back, because i was just another drop in the bucket of useless non-descript ContentTM. fun fun fun fun fun. i think this is why i miss [redacted] and so many other people do, because it was pointedly something unique that still hasn't been replicated til this day. and yet still, i am scared of trying to recreate it, because ultimately i will just pull a loser girl tuyu, much like happened to the [redacted] project so long ago. because i was revisiting some of it and, there was some pretty obvious subtext of "you will lose your love so don't force people back into it. allow change." the change i want is to go back to the thing "you" were forced to do. or is it? or is it not? i don't know. i've barely even tried. because i'm getting distracted. i'm getting distracted by the concept of getting distracted, as i write about it, and loathe it, while still simultanouelsy refusing to improve and actually work on said [redacted]-like project. why? probably because i don't truly love doing it. i just want You back. even if it's me who has to create You, i'll do it, that's what i said i would do. and yet, it's still empty. annoying
but i'm going to do it anyway
#633 - 2025/06/01
i made a breakthrough in archival; you can get yt transcripts of most videos even when theyre privated using This One Simple Trick (a website). i was asble to find a lot, even if it's ultimately meaningless videos. check it https://filmot.com/ . it gives you all the dates and lengtrhs and stats of these videos and livestreams. its crazy.
#632 - 2025/05/31
#631 - 2025/05/31
but the only thing you can say that's "theft" about it is that the original creator(s) won't get any money from your purchase - it's opporunity cost. if you pirate somehthing, they're losing one customer who could have paid them. which is true. bnut also, i don't care. if i don't love your work then i'm not going to buy it. i know i'm making it harder for creators to make money, but i also don't care - because it's not my responsibility.
#630 - 2025/05/30
im so glad i finally get, at least part of, non-breath oblige.. the sense of "no matter what choice i make it'll hurt someone so i won't do anything at all" that i couldn't have understood back when the song came out. somehow i lost a neocities follower idk why (i say before posting This Stuff in my diarybox section ummm anyway)
so the "musical chairs" line in non-breath oblige is probabkly... to win musical chairs, you have to steal a position from someone else - much like you do in an industry. to be famous, you have to steal the fame from someone else. to save someone by writing a song criticising tbheir bullies, you hurt those bullies and drive them to the state that their victims go to. it's that. i think it is inherintly a song born from the idea of being scared of artistic expression. they have images in the MV of games - games that are competitive - if one wins, another loses
and even if you're honest, even if you lie, it'll stay the same. someone will be hurt. and usually it's just yourself
#629 - 2025/05/29
#628 - 2025/05/29
#627 - 2025/05/29
#626 - 2025/05/29
and its not like you can just opt out. if you could opt out it would be easy. because if you do opt out then the social services will confiscate your children Thanks Guys. Really Good Job At Protecting The Children (indocrtinating the children into having self-worth issues and wasting away their supposedly "important" youth just for the sake of maintaining the capitalist status quo)
bouuta write anti-school propaganda and fail to code my website background fire emoji fire emoji
#625 - 2025/05/28
but why would i have depression so bad i have to take MEDICINE. thats stupidddddddddddddddddddddddd i wasnt even feeling good when i WAS taking its its just this is worse. WHY IOP*(JUHIJOPU SAIJOP SDIJOU ASDHIJOUASHIJOU D AHIUSDIUA SIDUAJNSUD and now my eyes sting ow ow ow ow ow owo AHHHHHHHHHH sob emoji
#624 - 2025/05/28
#623 - 2025/05/28
i am genuinely just. incapable of having any fun anymore. everyone speaks in logical fallacies. get me out get me out get me out
#622 - 2025/05/28
i feel like umineko is somehow coming across as like. christian propaganda to me even though it's probably unintentional. i guess it's bnecause i'm "close-minded" or something. but rn i just don't like anyone, so why would i believe an author that disagrees with me? i'm unable to do that
#621 - 2025/05/28
also me: completely freezes up due to an extreme amount of anger, immediately stops the activity
also also me: this is all osu's fault
#620 - 2025/05/28
#619 - 2025/05/28
#618 - 2025/05/28
what's really bothering me is the arbitary sorting of people as minors vs adults on the internet. its so stupid but at this point its not even annoying enough to make me want to rip my hair out. the issue is the governments who enforce this, not the random people on social media who say "minors dni" or whatnot.
i already talked about age restrictions on media being oppressive/censorship-adjacent for the sake of "protecting the children" and it's similar to this - an arbitrarily-defined goalpost that, if denied, makes you somehow morally in the wrong to like 90% of the population becayse it's drilled into everyone at a young age (made-up statistic). that you somehow "become an adult" because you turn 18. mate that's not how it works. as if someone who is 17 and a half is a different category to someone who just turned 18. it's so stupid ahhhhhhhhh what does any of this Mean????? i get the actual point is "don't look at my blog if you're young because i post explicit content" but i feel like if that's the point then they should just Say. it really just comes off as being overly ageist like "haha stupid TEENAGERS. they shouldnt look at my BLOG. ROFLCOPTER i love oppressing/insulting people with less power than me :fire emoji:" it really does
#617 - 2025/05/28
aka: sorting experiences as "diagnosed" or "undiagnosed," and/or telling people to get diagnosed without the proper resources or explanations on what that Actually d Does. like how do you get rid of a diagnosis? Who Knows! what do you do once you get the diagnosis? WHO KNOWS!
because people say these storeies like "oh my diagnosis changed my life! back before i was diagnosed....." WHY DID YOU EVEN SEEK OUT A DIAGNOSIS IF YOU DIDNT ALREADY KNEW YOU HAD ADHD??? chat you already knew you were ND you dont need a doctor to tell you, tspmo
#616 - 2025/05/28
the fact that a "workless world" has been criticised by the few people i've talked about it with has genuinely caused me an insummountable amount of mental anguish. because they say, life withjouit meaningless work, is meaningless. essentially, once you break through the fabric of all the distractions and suffering, once there is no more suffering, it's empty. you'll rot in the pointlessness, the heaven-ness of it all (because heaven is not a fun place, it's a boring palce). that's my interpritation of what they're ACTUALLY saying. and i think they are...... right. i'm just desperately trying to hold onto the fact that the heaven-like world without jobs that's fully automated would be good, even though in a part of my mind, i know it'll be painful.
because i dont WANT it to be painful. i want my idealistic heart to be validated. but i know deep down that it's empty. it's all so empty. if we're not distracted by pain, we have nothing to make commentary on, we are nothing. i hate it.
so, i'll distract myself again
on a side-note, i wish my tangents were a little more coherant so i COULD make videos about them, but alas the world (read: my mind) is a cruel place where no joy or whimsy can be found
#615 - 2025/05/28
WHAT DOES GOOD PERSON EVEN MEAN? it just reads as smug in the way that, if you dare critisie that person's worldview, they will go "um actually" and never actually take opposing views into thought. because i'm a Good Person, so as long as my morality vaguely fits into frame of what other people around me do and say, and as long as it's convinient, I'm A-Ok! as long as the violence i cause is not visible, then i'm a good person!
what a great tumblr post guys!!
p.s. i tried some new vitamin things today. it was disgusting.
this page is also starting to get laggy because it's so massive. i might edit diarybox to have multiple directories for months or something like taht
#614 - 2025/05/27
#613 - 2025/05/27
#612 - 2025/05/27
(a not-so-vaguepost about bluesky)
#611 - 2025/5/27
#610 - 202505/05/27
#609 - 2025/05/27
and what even *is* "unhealthy" anyway? iuts entirely subjective. so maytbe instead of trying to judge for yourself whats wrong or whats right, you shouldactually listen to the people who are suppoisedly the victims you are trying to help?????? its just more of "locking the criminals up instead of treating the underlying issues that cause criminality." its that but toned down
#608 - 2025/05/27
but of course i wiull never do any of that
#607 - 2025/05/27
actually i think its pretty obvious and straightforward, the answer being im not taken seriously, generally have an anxiety disorder, and i am also trapped with nowhere to go because all the other places to go are just different-coloured cages, so um yeah i think it's obvious
and yet i still feel the need to question myself..why? why can't i just do what i want and accept the absurdity of it?
because i know it would hurt other people.
but why do i hold myself back for the sake of other people?!
ultimately, i don't know.
but i think i was doing it for them in the first place.
after all, peoples' lives only have meaning when they're not lonely
so i can't just disregard everyone
...why?
#606 - 2025/05/27
also, i started playiong animal crossing new leaf again
#606 - 2025/05/26
#605 - 2025/05/26
#604 - 2025/05/25
#603 - 2025/05/25
#602 - 2025/05/24
just realised, cuz on ao3 i wrote something and linked to an image on this site, i wonder if thats been getting me views on the site uhhh. im scared of being linked across multiple platforms yet i make it so easy to stalk me whyyy
i remember getting into copious youtube comment arguments, for example i remembered getting into a discussion on Motivation is Dead by Pinocchio-P (I remembered that as I listened to the song again). i was always hated in online spaces like these, so i think i will be generally hated in the rest of the world, and gain a complex about it, becoming even more bitter and unlikeable because of it
#601 - 2025/05/24
so starting off with that: i'm only engaging with umineko as a way to somehow find validation or answers. i don't even know what i want answers for, but i do. if it's true that i don't need answers for anything however, then my reason to engage with any media is negated, and then i am an empty husk. so ummmmmmm i'm not doing that. so i'm going to keep looking for an answer in things that will never yield a thing. looking, looking, without end
#600 - 2025/05/24
anyway i want to do Something relevant, like organise a contest or make good videos or run a minecraft server, make a movie that somehow encapsulates these unspoken feelings, it's just... doing all of them a little bit, nothing is achieved. ugh
at least The Project is coming along but, in a perfect world, if interpersonal issues stlil exist, i'll still be just as empty as today innit m8 bruv. once humanity has achieved its goals, it will be finished and laid to rest. what is the point of new people being born once the credits have already rolled? this is an idea building on from most of my previous entires, dont jump in now, its a bad chapter to start with
#599 - 2025/05/24
#598 - 2025/05/24
#589 - 2025/05/24
might start playing new leaf again
stupid tight shorts i dont like these ones but my loose shorts are in the wash. this is hwy iu never put them in the wash because then ill be ofrced to wear this because i always lose the good pairs
if you have such flimsy motivation then of course it will disappear soon enough
#588 - 2025/05/23
i just miss the other people
another final note: i find it funny but also yikes that i still have mostly the same issues as the earlier entires, although i think they're a bit more advanced now in a good way. those old entries feel innocent in a way. i never thought about this before, but if i keep this up, 'll look back in years on this very #588 and go "what". i have such an Anxiety Issue i think? but i also want to do things i just.... its all so dull. and then i freak out. and then i get excited, and then it all just happens again. bizzare, slowly advancing cycle, get me out
why were you born like you, and me born like me?
#587 - 2025/05/23
h comment i wish i could understand
@はちみつマイルド
5 years ago
人と少し違うところをあげては「私って病気（異常）なのかなw」って言ったり
人より不出来な部分を見つけては「私は病気（異常）だから」と言い訳をする人間に対する、もしくはそうしてしまう主人公の歌なのかなと思った。
「頼むドクター察しておくれ」ドクターから病気と診断されないと逃げ場ができない
逆に不安定さ故盲目的になっている状況を「恋」と美しく言っている都合の良さ
#586 - 2025/05/23
i think iuts cuz ive talked about the secret so much i feel like its already done subconciously
#585 - 2025/05/23
oh yeah i also went to a picnic for the end of term at this fake-school i went to for lessons and one person talked to me and i was trying my best but then her boyfriend came over and they went off somewhere. i don't exactly feel betrayed by that, i know people have their own lives, and especially in the sun it at least had a unique sensory texture to the memory, but it's still interesting. that i technically might want to talk to other people, and i'm not shy, i just don't have anything to say so i can't do anything. i think people must often misconstrue me for shy as being part of my natural nature, but i really don't think it is - i've only developed an anxiety complex over certain things due to a long time of being battered by my own comparisons (mostly creative mediums which are the main thing i do all the time)
oh and i just remembered if i move to a cheap-living-costs country and can work online, it'll be really easy sailling. i totally forgot about that. no wonder i stopped being depressed for a good while (read: like, a day) - because i realised that. the only reason why i lost that hope was because i forgot and ended up despising art.
i really like the idea of a story that tries to be profound but goes at the end "it wasn't anything profound, it was just a generic breakup story, yet i wanted to be spsecial, because i wanted someone to aknowledge my feelings as valid. but ultimately, i was just like all the others, singing their songs of pain. i was just a human" and so this entry loops baclk to the beginning whoaooaooaoaooa soooo narrative! (not)
#584 - 2025/05/23
in the latter part of the song its SO OBVIOUS that its about not saying your feelings on social media for the sake of being more appealing, don't breathe because you will be attacked for being ungrateful or not siding with X side. by doing anything, you're hurting someone, and they will go after you for it.
i'm also really worried that this web page, my honest thoughts, will homehow be used as a weapon to me. i don't think many other of the neocities site-diary people have this issue (i follow a fair few of them) because htey don't intend on being An InfluencerTM but that's really my only ever everlasting goal so it's like....... i don't want them to see my "nasty" side, so i want to private this, but also the truth will eventually shine through anyway so why hide it? idk....
the reason why i didnt like nonbreathoblige in the beginning was probably because it has like, a weird rhythm and it's kind of pensive? like it's not got an intensity in the right way that would have appealed to younger me. and i couldn't comprehend the lyrics for some reason, ig it was because it wasn't paired with an easily recognisable arrangement that made me feel a certain way? idk it just wasn't the right vibe so i didn't get it back then, but now i think i do
also on more pinocchio-p: "nobody makes sense" made me cry again so i did like an hour-long singing practice but WHY IS IT SO HARD. i feel like im never gonna get anywhere. yes im excited-ish to try singing at college and flexing, i felt confident for a little bit, but that was only because i was singing along to the tracks WITH VOCALS. UGHHHHHH I CANT DO IT ON MY OWN. every time i hit a brick wall i feel like i'm going backwards, even if i'm not. i can't help but be anxious like that. i'm always afraid of losing everything, all the time. i liked that song so long ago though, and i still like it now too. also "what's inside," i listened to those two SO MUCH together. i would have sworn what's inside was an older song but it's only from 2019, so i must have spam-listened to it in late 2020 or something? how time flies.... that's certainly odd. also "killer spider" is something i haven't listened to much but it's got a chilling feeling somehow, to the "aia-aia-aishiteita".... it's freaky idk why
again, i feel like i'm losing all my skill when i try to produce but the vocals just can never come out right. they're too inconsistent in volume or... something? idk what the issue is but i hate it. they never fit in. is it the eq?? i dont know! what am i doing wrong?! but i cant figure it out because i dont want to pay for lessons! UGH!!!
speaking of lessons, i should really actually pay attention to what mydrum teacher is telling me and practice for once... hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#583 - 2025/05/23
#582 - 2025/05/22
also yeah my writing has become a liiiitle more weird because if i literally spend like 5 hrs straight listening to umineko then ofc im going to start decsribing things like theyre written in the vn kinda
#581 - 2025/05/22
i definitely could have written this post better at parts, but i got distracted in the middle of writing it and i don't have the patience to go back and edit what is essentially a not-even-glorifie rant.
#580 - 2025/05/22
#579 - 2025/05/22
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#576 - 2025/05/22
i also thought about chlidhood friends, wishing i could go back- but would meeting with them again really bring any joy? or just the temporary memory, before being reminded i am unable to connect iwth them because i'm me
#575 - 2025/05/21
i don't know where to, i just want to go somewhere and pretend i'll never come back
i'll walk so far that something will happen for once, just anything
and in a pathetic sense of hope, for a moment, i'll believe something changed
but it doesn't change
because i'm being choked
#574 - 2025/05/21
just carelessly writing words, hoping they will reach someone
all i do is push them away
because i never even liked them in the first place
so why
why is there not a single thing i can say i "like" with my whole heart?
in a world where things like joy seem to come so easily to people,
what happened to me?
what broke me?
and so, we're at the same junction as before, just in a different town. it looks different, but it's still the same
it's always the same
i never choose, i just wait long enough for the problem to go away
#573 - 2025/05/21
i just become a chimera of things i've lost, or at least try to be, until i inevitably give off and go hibernate in a hole
bad people dont cease to be people once you expose them. they have to go back to living a mundane, painful life, with the guilt of what they;ve done, and with the pain of knowing their only reason for living is gone. what is wrong with you? for treating them as inhuman just because they did A Bad Thing You Don't Like? hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Ultimately, unless it was done on you, it doesn't affect you. So why does everyone start to act like it's their job to be the moral police of famous people? As far as I'm concerned, as long as their prescence as a famous person doesn't cause any issues (for example; they are promoting assault as a good way to fix your problems in a livestream) then why does it matter? Their personal life, and their public life... they're both the same person, but if the public life has no inherint problems, why expose what's underneath? If it doesn't hurt anyone, why..? Why find the truth as just another excuse to execute someone on the endless treadmill of drama, for the sake of "justice?" Why....? Perhaps because it was never truly justice, but instead a careless revenge. I think you can only really see this once you're the kind of bitter person who WOULD get everyone to turn on you. I feel kinship with these people because they are at least partially misunderstood, people who are doomed to a life of suffering beyond comprehension just because they did One Thing. one thing, or maybe even multiple things tbf, that they can't recover from. they followed the advice of "be yourself," but that advice was never truly honest. because if you truly do be yourself, you will be killed
bitter syndrome, on the border of contempt and desire
#572 - 2025/05/21
#571 - 2025/05/21
of misconstrued loves
don't call them such a thing and look down on me like you think you're an angel
i'll catch up to you... one day, and by then, you will be gone
and so the inferiority complex strikes again, as i remember i am one of many
wow my vagueposts are getting REALLY REALLY vague at this point
#570 - 2025/05/20
#569 - 2025/05/20
been starting to realise that i probalby don't like visual art, i just do it because "well nobody ELSE is there to do it well." i don't enjoy it intrinsically like everyone else did. i thought that meant i didn't enjoy anything, like some kind of human elementr was missing from me.... i vented to a friend a few weeks ago. they asked "well what do you like doing? don't you like it? just do that." and i was like "no, there's nothing i like doing. i'm just doing it for the sake of doing something, because i know that's logically Who I Am, even if i don't find a single scrap of enjoyment out of it." and they were confused. now i DID say that in a more-than-usual depressive state, but i usually just go from that to semi-interested. it's not too much different from my normal state of being - and i know why.. because i do things i don't like. and it's not stereotypical things, but it's things that people universally say are "fun." that they "love." but i don't understand that. it's honestly qui9te simple - i don't enjoy an activity, i don't love it like the others - but when you see eveyrone who likes things gets deep into it, it's hard to NOT believe it also goes the other way - that if you do something a lot, that meant you "like" it. so i go around saying my likes are "art" and "game development" and whatnot but... no not really. i js7t dontenjoy doing these things, but i have gifted kid syndrome for them. again, there feels like there's a lack of a "human" component here - like something that everyone else said is fun, i do just for the sake of practicality, and believe that is "fun" Vbecause it's what they tell me. autism moment perhaps? but the thing is all the other autistic people seem to... not have this complex about art in particular. so how am i supposed to know? how was i supposed to figure something like this out if nobody told me this?
and i figured this out a long time ago, but i just bury it whenever it's convinient. because i want top see something exist, i make it myself, no matter how painful it is. because i'm the only one who can do it correctly. because i only trust myself. it stems from that, and because i can't trust anyone else, this will not change. "because nobody else can do it like you. because you're unique. your art style matters, and has an appeal that at least someone will love." yeah, you're right, motivational speaker. if i stop now, the world will be deprived of my genius... so i have to keep suffering for their sake. something like that.
i feel like the motivational people like that just hurt me.
because i lack something fundamentally "human."
much like the afforementioned damon maitsu, i do not see the inherint value of "individuality is so good guys" kinds of speeches. it just makes me realise i'm the only one who can do things right.
so when you say things like that to me, how do you expect me to respond..? do you really expect someone so battered to simply go "wow, that really was the right reason to live after all, thanks guys!" and move on? do you really think it's something as simple as that? honestly, i despise that simple-minded part of you (vagueposting about someone rn). the fact that you can live your life with a dream you genuinely want...... i hate it. and i'm jealous of it, too.
and as you chase for that dream, you'll get lost, and inadvertantly i'll steal it. the one thing you wanted, going to someone who just took it as a practicality because it's all they knew how to do.
this situation.. is seriously pathetic
#568 - 2025/05/20
because to you, challenging societal expectations is a thing you ask other people to do., once you YOURSELF are asked to do it, you back down. why is that? and once you've convinced the world you're correct, what next? do you seriously expect the world to stop moving at your point in the overton window? are you really going to fight further social progress?
we are never able to undersatnd or accept what comes next. it just happens overtime: you shift the overton window. it shifts the next generation back. but nobody realises the extent of the world's meaning, not even me, who claims to understand. it continues to change at a snail's rate, because nobody can be bothered to look ahead at what could be. we just stay with mild changes to the status quo, until 1,000 years from now, we'll look back at how pathetic we are. it's kind of silly actually
and yes i have believed this since i was like 9, and i think i will continue to belive it even when i'm older. because using "You'll grow out of it" has never been a good excuse to counter an argument, and you know it.
#567 - 2025/05/20
i keep talking to people taht i dont want to why am i like this
#566 - 2025/05/20
#565 - 2025/05/20
also ep7 umineko is actually doing a good job of making shannon a Good Character. crazy lore. but i haven't; been able to cry at it or anything, partially due to how it's presented.
#564 - 2025/05/19
#563 - 2025/05/19
the thing that i'm running from will find me
i hate it, so i try to forget it
but it's coming closer
#562 - 2025/05/19
#561 - 2025/05/19
#560 - 2025/05/19
#559 - 2025/05/19
#558 - 2025/05/19
theres a dog thats squealing/whining outside and it's really bothering me. or mabe a seagull. either way shut up. this is why i want to make 9it so my room is a lightless, soundless box. let me out let me out let me out let me out get out of my head
i hate the sensation of meaninglessness. i try to avoid it, but it's simply the natural outcome of "the day after." as in, the day after something happens, what's the next chapter of the story?? the next chapter is dullness, muted pain. when i'm not desperately searching for something, i'm a husk with no desires. iut's interestingl, really. i think it must be true that people live for the chase.
either that, or my afforementioned sentiment of "some people are just born this way" is true, somehow
maybe it's umineko logic and it's just without love i am not seen something something kanon
#557 - 2025/05/19
#556 - 2025/05/19
#555 - 2025/05/19
#554 - 2025/05/18
#553 - 2025/05/18
also i find it interesting, the fact that being angry is seen as a "toxic trait." so no matter how much someone does to wrong you, as long as it doesn't seem a "reasonable amount of wrongness" in society's eyes, YOU become the person in the wrong. this is......... hmm. people are always trying to "AITA" things and justify if your emotions are a "valid response." but who says if it's valid or not? what even is vcalid? exactly. it doesn't make sense, because there IS no "valid" response. they'll all just responses. and i think the fact that we get annoyed at people who get angry is Interesting because like.... is being angry inherintly wrong? what's the point of sanitizing your feelings just so they come across as more "diplomatic?" it's all very neurotypical i guess? and i find it upsetting when there's other neurodivergent people who just..... copy these same things. they accept the system of there being a criteria to what's valid or not - just as long as they fit into the system, they're fine with it. as long as they can find a way to justify themself as a "Productive Member Of SocietyTM" and not show any "Red FlagsTM" then it's fine. without realising the entire system of judging people is.... inherintly a surface-level way of judging in a capitalist system. and i hate it even more when people call themselves leftist but don't understand this. like i thought the whole point of this was Empathy. guys empathy doesn't count if you only give empathy to "the innocent vtictims" - because innocent victims usually don't exist. people will re-enact the things that happened to them because that's how they understand the world. and if all you do is offer them haate and say, "grow up and stop whining about it, you're spoiled" then i'm sorry but you are doing the exact same thing as your oppressors.
i think my point here is that if you're neurodivergent you should stop trying to fit in because tspmo (read: all myt friends are infuiriating because they just parrot the beliefs of "justification" and "personal interpritation of morality" without realisig the underlying flaws) chat
but yeah i can go a LOT deeper on this if i was in a conversation, but the thing is, nobody who does these things is actually able to converse on my level, so why should i converse on their level and speak down to them when they clearly don't care about me? when all they say is, my emotions are "unjustified" because "your family loves you why are you mad." as if love is a tangible and true thing rather than a response to certain perceptions (a.k.a, they love the me in their head, not the me in reality. and ofc as soon as i say that, the Emotion Judges start to ask for Proof. like no this isn't a thing based on literal proof, it's a thing based on a philosophy. that's not..... oh my god why is it so hard for people to break out of the "abused vs not abused" logic cycle. it's infuritating. you don't have to look for the abuse as if it's some tangible thing. because it's not. it's perceptive. the world is in our heaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DJKLLLLLLLLLASDJKLASDKLJASDKLAISDASKJDAKSDLKASKDLAKSDKLASDKLASD)
#552 - 2025/05/17
#551 - 2025/05/17
#550 - 2025/05/17
#549 - 2025/05/17
people go on ab out how tiring masking is so we should, as a society, just stop doing it. this is the thing that the afforementikoed friend does not understand. they act progrtessive but still ultimately go back to the "you must be a good member of societyh." but why should i be kind to the people who are not kind to me? why? genuinely how much of a horrible person do you have to be, to suggest to someone else to be a nice person? how little have you dug into their life and personality and psychology to think something so cold as that? oh my god
#548 - 2025/05/17
"A long time ago, I made something beautiful."
"Something irreplacable, something that made me realise the point in my own existence..."
"But now, it's gone."
"..."
"Ah, whatever. It's not like I care about it anyway."
AHHH I HATE MY DIALOGUE WRITING AND JUST GENERAL WORD PACING/WORD CHOICE. ITS NOT IMMEDIATELY GOOD GRRR GRR GRRR need to work so i can write later
#547 - 2025/05/17
#546 - 2025/05/17
#545 - 2025/05/17
is this what its like to be an adult (im not one). neither emotionally nor legally
last night i had what felt like an "argument" with my friend, or more like them doing "i can fix you" behaviour. which isnt necessarily Wrong because i do the same thing to them (:sob emoji:) but also very annoying because they NEVER understand any of the points i have, philosophically. so i was saying like, my dad has this very confusing psyche that's interesting, and they were like "well ultimately he loves you something something yes you can technically be yourself and do whatever you want but it will have consequences sometimes" YES I KNOW. in that moment, they were very much acting like him. there is of course more to unpack here, but it's. Interesting. in an annoying sense. once again, it's a case of someone who thinks they are "quirky" but ultimately just ends up being uncritical of society's judgements. like i was saying how my dad loves the "me" he sees in his head, which is not the one who doesnt clean up, can't eat the foods he wants me to, can't do my homework, can't go to bed at the right time... etc. and my friend was saying "well if its so bad then work on it." ???? They blatantly misunderstood my point. How can you genuinely be that media-illiterate that you hear me complaining about the disconnect between realility and imagination in someone and go "Ah yes, all those real things that you were just mentioning how he dislikes, just don't do them anymore." THATS NOT THE POINT. NEVER DID I *ONCE,* ONCE, say those were "BAD THINGS" about me. and yet they were acting like that was the assumption? ngl don't pretend to be my "friend" if you're just going to ultimately side with the world's definition of a "good citizen." often they act like thise..... liberal ig? like "oh AS LONG AS YOU CONTRIBUTE TO THE WORLD." they read my points and then take it as.... this. this meritocraitic nonsense. as if the qualifier for being a human is "being good at something and contributing to other people," and the only thing bad with capitalism is the fact that it's hard to do that. AHHHHHHH shoots myself in the head 5 times and then shoots them 5 times because equal meritocratic society. in fact this is probalby why they hate themself so much. because they are not able to hustle an d grind. they see that as a flaw with themself and. they have this complex of trying to "Find The Thing Wrong" and "Change Themself" so all they do is just. look for more reasons theyre bad and then just run away from it. it's so utterly baffling and also generally idiotic that once again, i will shjoot myself 5 times in the head, and then them 5 times in the head because merioto
in conclusion, fake woke
i was just thinking how it's annoying that like "r/athiest behaviour" is a way to insult people. in fact, even if they themselves are agnostic, people insult them. this just comes off as friendly fire. it is deeply intriguing to me - it's like you wear the cloak of not liking religion, or not believing in it, and thinking it's not real, but then you're fine with other people believing in something that you already aknowledge as not real? it's mildly baffling. it's like "respect other peoples' beliefs" but why? what's the point of respecting a belief that is wrong? (sorry my inner erika umineko came out)
ioi think there is more to be said here but i'm just not in the right headspace to do it right now
#544 - 2025/05/17
#543 - 2025/05/16
in all serousness i just realised i have a kanamafu paralell and this is Not Good but also good but also Not Good considering i've done nothing about it :fire emoji:
once again takamatsu tomori in real life strikes again
#542 - 2025/05/16
fyi i started thinking about this because of mygo. and how i'm "mygo-brainrotted" and keep percieving everything through a mygo lense, how ave mujica is very very literally just like the "mygo members but if they masked." the dark mirrors. and just as i was like "wait how is this brainROTTED? it's literally just analysis. isn't it just demeaning towards myself to call it that. i think in a way i'm just calling it myself so nobody else calls me it. because if i say it then, well, they can't insult me using it. so i pre-emptively insult myself to stop that kind of thing from happening to me. but ultimately it's just as bad as someone else insulting me, living my life trying to prove myself to people who don't even exist. yikes. and all this because i was calling my hyperfixatin(?) "brainrot" and being internally ableist. it's sooo... it's such a thing that once you notice it, you can't turn back. another cruelty of the world that you've seen.
#541 - 2025/05/16
#540 - 2025/05/15
shishamo composer my beloved (idk who tjhey are sowwy
im actually not too bad at composing but i slowly lose the plot overtime. maybe my drum lessons will somewhat help with this. unsure.
#539 - 2025/05/15
i do the same thing though. be fr guys
#538 - 2025/05/15
#537 - 2025/05/15
#536 - 2025/05/15
#535 - 2025/05/15
#534 - 2025/05/15
i think crychic should cover nanikawa no shoujoutachi and mygo should cover ashita mo
my to-do list is so long and the first thing is probably to make more yt videos but im putting it off. i have to stay on windows a little longer due to this GRR
#533 - 2025/05/15
sleepy (bad foreboding)
#532 - 2025/05/14
i really would be sad if you were gone, i worry when i don't see you online, as if someone else's life should matter at all to my survival, and yet if you, a stranger were gone, what would i do? (vagueposting about perhaps multilpe people right now) because everyone is a stranger to me (i'm takamatsu tomori) but i'm sure even these strangers will leave because they are simply strangers i was unable to save, i was unable to grow up and accept them as friends so now they will disappear
never-ending to-do list of urgent tasks that i hope will disappear as they leave my mind for a little bit, like the backups. because when i remember them, i start to drown in the stress
#531 - 2025/05/14
adhd writer's curse of pain and suffering
also my exam is tomorrow and im not bothered., but i hate how everyone expects me to be bothered. as mayoiuta 2nd verse says something like this: why do you care about the me in a few years instead of the one that's right in fromt of you rightn ow
#530 - 2025/05/14
#529 - 2025/05/14
i think im probalby more anarchist-aligned than communist aligned, as much as i hate to say it. i like the communist "framework" but i also think if our state suddenly became communist it would just be another trash dictatorshipand i slowly become more and more anti-being-controlled because im a Morally Bad Person and i dont want to get caught :fire: :fire: slash jay. i dont thjink im actually doing anything wrong, but people PERCIEVE it as wrong because theyre not willing to engage outside of the society's standards they were born into
#528 - 2025/05/14
#527 - 2025/05/14
#526 - 2025/05/14
#525 - 2025/05/14
#524 - 2025/05/14
#523 - 2025/05/13
#522 - 2025/05/13
i think in BlueRevo there need to slowly be clues fed to the audience about like. what the outside world is doing to find the people on the island. and the people on the island need to in turn find out clues too
i cant beliueve teto territory is just a touhou song and it was also on hypixel housing.
i miss you my son davinci resolve
i want to actually be a good writer
i want te
friends
#521 - 2025/05/13
i also think it has an air of pretentiousness to be like "ohhh imagine the ALIENS!!!" as if it's impossible to write a story where a human critiques humans. like just do that. it's no different, and if you have nothing to say using the literal device of another species, then don't use it. although admittedly if your point is that the alien race has osmehow surpassed humanity, in that case i think the story is entirely justified trolololol.
#520 - 2025/05/13
evil disability that makes it so if you dont play video games you want to die (adhd)
#519 - 2025/05/12
i'm always kept waiting but i don't know why
#518 - 2025/05/12
#517 - 2025/05/12
i think neocities has updated their feed thing so it's not every 24 hours
#516 - 2025/05/12
#515 - 2025/05/12
this is why i like misumi uika, and this is probalby why people draw umineko connections to it.
"This dream... It's completely meaningless... Completely empty. Because people like you, I've never been able to understand them - in fact, anyone who's not myself... I've never been able to understand why they exist at all. Because I'm a stupid child who doesn't understand the meaning of the world. Not a single time since I was born did I understand. And yet still, somehow, inside this dream that seems so surreal, with people I've somehow come to 'not hate...'
What is this feeling? ..Ah, I know what to call it...... The feeling of being alive"
^ it's that kind of thing. now that's like if you gave me an edgy anime last words death speech narration type thing. that's my umineko thoughts but i can't figure out any other way to describe it than, at that point in time (and in many points in time of my life), i don't understand the reason for other people to exist and never have, and yet still when i hear you speak, it puts me under a spell that makes me think i do. so even if it's a lie, i want to live in it. which is. the point of umineko and ave mujica innit
i think part of the problem with villifying kinzo is like. i want to be part of their stupid family and be with like. jessica and whatnot. and of course if we focus on ange, i want to be her. and if we focus on The Kinzo Lore in episode 7???? i want to be him. like can't we just pretend the bad stuff doesn't exist. why do we have to focus on how They're bad People TM. like this ddefeats the point of the "love" message
#514 - 2025/05/12
#513 - 2025/05/12
#512 - 2025/05/12
#511 - 2025/05/12
#510 - 2025/05/11
#509 - 2025/05/11
#508 - 2025/05/11
in attempting to make a piece of media "less problematic," you end up taking away part of its identity. i think that, even though stuff like incest in anime is uncomfortable to me, it is undeniably an aspect that makes it, as a genre, unique. not as if having a "totally not blood-related brother and sister be ship-teased" in media is somehow what makes something anime, but more like... trying to control pieces of media that aren't your own. it bothers me. it's trying to erase an original part of the media. and i think whether it's "wrong" or not, whether i dislike it or not, is all irrelivant: because part of the appeal of media from other cultures is that is HAS DIFFEREN VALUES TO YOUR OWN. if you try to make everything conform to where you came from, aren't you entirely missing the point of being a fan of this media? of being a weeb? or admittedly a lot of these kinds of people would not use the term "weeb" because it is "fetishization of the culture" but i still don't really get this. what is the issue with liking a culture you were not born into. you don't have to pretend it's perfect, of course - but i also don't think you have to "fix" it. because again, is trying to call out certain ideas you don't personally like really going to do anything?? so you get your way, and The ANime has no more of The Problematic ThingsTM. now what? what have you achieved? oh wow! you're slightly less uncomfortable in certain scenes of new media! and? is the sacrifice of forcing your will onto someone else's creative works REALLY worth it? pretending to be international and diverse, but then to just fit whatever your small world view you were brought up with onto these series....... is that not weird? to celebrate diversity, until it goes against what is "obviously morally good guys i don't have to question it i swear i'm correct because my dad told me so??" it's the people who go against what they were brought up with, but only to a point that becomes convinient, and never fully to the point where they have to genuinely requestion what they find uncomfortable or not and realise that "government censorship is fine as long as it's censoring things i don't like" is bad and slippery slope.
i also heard someone online say "slippery slope" is an awful defense but is it really? it's upsetting to hear people disagree with me when they provide no reason as to why i'm wrong, so i can't counter it. it's just upsetting because i'm sensitive. pls don't hurt my feeling although i will hurt ur feeling bc im mean heart emoji.
idk. that's my take. just a snippet of my Dark And Twisted Mind (sarcasm)
it's not really properly formulated though because i know there's some points against this which is "removing Morally Bad ContentTM doesn't necessarily destroy the identity of the series you idiot" so i will need to think of a proper way to explain my justification to that later.
tldr i guess: Celebrating diversity until it becomes something actively uncomfortable... Isn't that hypocritical? You do the same thing as your oppressors - "I find it uncomfortable so all I will do is call it ProblematicTM instead of actually analysing the media as a whole." They just do it with different buzzwords. "This is against traditional family values and is damaging our youth, without analysing the media as a whole and seeing what it actually means at a larger scale."
once again this feels like a "niicespiice loses followers moment" and yet somehow i don't feel scared, perhaps because i've somehow made my points in a way that is Palettable and Not Just Blindly Screaming At My Computer
#507 - 2025/05/11
and somehow, this feels right, like i am truly expressing myself. but it doesn't mean anything when the other person just repeatedly ignores whatever you're actually saying because it's presented in a "bad format." essentially "haha stupid autistic child is overly mean and complaining and flailing around metaphorically, making up stupid excuses lololololololo" or at least that's how i think she sees me (she doesnt)
#506 - 2025/05/11
this kind of stuff just reads as "AI BAD! AI BAD! SOUND THE ALARMS!" type of ideology. desperately running from something that is ultimately just another technology. just another technology to ignore because it's mostly just buzzwords. but people give it power by going "ahhh AI bad! AI bad! cancel them for using AI!" YOU guys who hate them the most are still, in your minds, empowering them. because ohhnh they're big scary technologies who are going to ruin everything with their misinformation!
No, no they're not??????? They aren't??????? The misinformation has already been happening and it's not due to The AI Companies - it's due to complacency. "Oh let's just stich with Google even though it takes LITERALLY LIKE 2 MINUTES TO SWITCH SEARCH ENGINES FOREVER." it's utterly irritating and this is what i meant in #505 about being low-empathy i guess????? i hold no empathy for your situation if you are going to complain about google and yet still mindlessly use it even if it has been considtently getting worse and you know it's been bad for 5t years. like um. don't go around complaining to ME. the absolute gall to be like "oh no googles got worse!!" as if you were even considering google as an OPTION of something to pay attention to in the first place? in my opinion once a tech starts getting bad like that i will literally just disregard it from my mind. it's like as if no amount of bad things a company does will change your mind. when will you learn? that you can't just ignore every sign to stop doing something. like as if breaking trust ONCE isn't enough to entirely block the technology out of your life.
so again, to the people who hate The AIs so much... i would like you to think about WHY you hate it. not because "oh copyright," or "oh environment," but because of reasons it's uniquely evil above the other technologies. reasons YOU have come up with, yourself instead of just hopping on the "AI bad" bandwagon. again - are you sure you're not just doing it because other people say it's bad? because people give some vague reasons as to why it's Morally Wrong And This Technology is Uniquely Evil? are you sure you're doing it because of your moral principles, or are you just doing it because these people SAY it's bad?
ultimately, i think the answer is that it's bad in a useless way. if you use it, then you are being pathetic, but if you don't use it then you don't have some kind of "moral highground." you are just someone using basic common sense, and i pay no empathy to you wailing on social media about technologies that don't really matter. again - i think it is a fad. and you give it more power by acting like it is this afforementioned "undefeatable evil." it's just a bad technology. how is it differentg from anything else?
i think philosophies like this are the reason i haven o "true friends" because they don't agree with me. about this but also about other things i Will Not Name. you can use your imagination on that, if it hasnt been ruined already by the CRAZY AI!!!
i want to get into the furry community but i mildly dislike how most anthros look. i mean i want to get into it because it's supposedly accepting and very good. but i don't like how the majority of the afforementioned art looks so. what do i do. also i find it weird how people use "but they're a furry so if you don't like that then..." as some kind of qualifier. like furry is literally just. using an animal avatar or enjoying online anthropormorphic designs??? how is that meaningful in any way to the morality of a person?????? braindead stereotype arguments
i found myself missing neocities in the days (read: Day and a half) that i was gone. wow. how sad. BUT FRFR i actually DO have a lot to say i'm just. too adhd to turn it into a story. or more accurately too existential and un-empathetic to turn it into a story.
#505 - 2025/05/11
it's funny how when you turn out to be A CriminalTM or A MeanieTM, no matter how much they previously preached empathy.. as soon as they find out YOURE not fitting their small criteria of empathy, they'll get you. so maybe i 'm not the low-empathy one. it's just that most people at like that, and i just have a logically-based slant to my selective empathy.
which is funny considering one of the main themes of my story IS empathy in a "blanket good" way but that's more to illustrate a point. it doesn't mean I have to do it. it's basically just a point about how it's meaningless to consider people "Bad PersonTM," whichever side you're on, because all that does is creates wars - the only way to stop them is to break free from the Bad Person Game (like "AITA" discussions, as if there is An AssholeTM in a situation) and just accept them all regadrless. because whatever their motivations are, they are still human, and inherintly bad actions are only caused as a reflection of pre-existing suffering. you are just m aking it worse. because after all, you don't have a good villain story without a tragic past.
p.s. if you try to say "but what about the evil rich people who don't have a tragic past!!" you fundamentally miss my argument. my argument is that even if someone has no particular Sad Backstory to justify it, or if they do have a Sad Backstory to justify it - ultimately there is still a CAUSe and REASON for their behaviour. you can't just cheap out on empathy when it's convinient to paint yourself as the hero. because nobody is the hero. they're just humans. not even that actually - humans are literally just a species of animal. we make so many illogical actions and then pretend we're above the other species, probably because it's a more convinient way to justify us mistreating them. but make no mistake - humans are just like the other animals, even if we usually have better logical processing. we have the same illogical desires as all of them
i think there is a lot more i have to say on the topic of Being Empathetic and how some people just LOOK less empathetic becaus they are looking more at the logic and the big picture (me) even when they ARE more empathetic because uiltimately they are looking outside of their bubble of acceptability and choosing to love everyone anyway, but you know. it's very hard to pinpoint this right now. even though it makes me angry. so so so very angry i cna't explain it right here, right now
#504 - 2025/05/11
anyway i really like the bluerevo ending concept even though i don't ENTIRELY love the message it sends. but it's good enough, right? i need to keep honing in on these themes of freedom and what make these people in the island tick. i also really need to go hardcore on drawing this thing for my friend because i have a deadline!
tried on the sakiko costume too on linux day. it looks great but was abit loose. the pre-styled wig was almost perfect but now i've put it back on the floor and due to the afforementioned anxiety disorder i'm so worried it will just Lose Its shape because i dont knooooooow. i have ahh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh rrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiqoooajmdjd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
also a funny thing i thought of while crashing out: "It's always 'be gay do crime' until you blow up three power plants filled with innocent civilians and they arrest you for mass murder. classic governmental bootlickers🙄"
also fun fact thisis a completely public diary so it's comically easy to doxx certain things i say. i feel like i should be more worried but idk. this feel like a comfortable plcae. what else should i do?
#503 - 2025/05/09
#502 - 2025/05/09
#501 - 2025/05/09
#500 - 2025/05/09
#499 - 2025/05/09
#498 - 2025/05/09
#497 - 2025/05/09
#496 - 2025/05/09
i really appreciate how neurodivergent-accepting bandori as a series is. i think as akid (i was 9 when i got into the series) i took it for granted as someone who didn't even know what neurodiversity was as a concept, and i was so sheltered for a long time i didn't even realise there was so much cruelty towards people like me, so i guess i was just lucky and i got into a series that was nice to me personaly. but as i learn more about other media i realise how good of a "score" bandori was to find. for example, if we take my current hyperfixation and the most recent bandori project for an example, tomori is basically a very obviously autistic chararacter - even though she probably wasn't meant to be fitting of the diagnosis necessarily, i bet it was based on irl experiences with autistic people who don't know they're actually autistic. and she is never made fun of. she is ALWAYS shown as a creative and empathetic girl who feels things very strongly but doesn't know how to show it, and due to that, she feels alien - "i want to be human" is her classic phrase. but we can also see this in for example raana, who even though it seems kinda like her adhd-autism is SORT OF the butt of the joke because she acts so differently to the others, it is ultimately shown as a good trait - she's the only one who stopped tomori from completely giving up, by playing with her. she has really good intuition even if she's not booksmart. she's cool. anyway i think thie partially comes from the series' desire to always makle characters markettable - sometimes this is for the bad, sometimes for the good. i think overall it's good because it always means the characters are empathisable above everything. and yes, this could be an excuse to make bland always-doing-good ccharacters (cough cough most of the genshin female characters) but instead these writers are clearly passionate about making them FLAWED. or not necessarily "flawed" all of them, because i think flaw implies something to be fixed, but more like they have struggles. for example, before mygo we have Hina who again seems like an autism-adhd genius type character. she apparently finds everything EXTREMELY easy, she is literally godlike, but she doesn't understand the unpredictableness of other people, so she thinks it's fun to spend time with them. she is very energetic and optimistic and childlike, but this is not shown in a "haha let's make fun of hina why dont we" way. it's always shown in a kindhearted light, even if it sometimes causes annoyances to the other characters in the world, for example sayo (her sister). we can go further - ave mujica, the newest band and basically the "dark version" of the afforementioned mygo project, are all meant to be struggling with some sort of mental issues (although i think ultimately most of these aren't actually THAT much of a mental illness, moreso just being in aawful circumstances and reacting reasonably to them, which is poart of why i react poorly to the concept of mental illness as a institutional term). they end up hurting eachother, and even though the show is a bit of a mess, the way it portrays these often "evil" illnesses in a kind-hearted way is something commendable that a lot of other mainstream media apparently Does Not Do? again, this is coming from a relatively big japanese franchise. i respect it, even though i think some other things about the series could definitely be improved - especially when i draw a lot of my creative insporation from this series, i definitely need a wider palette, otherwise i just end up repeatin the same mistakes they make of having Rushed Arcs and whatnot
#495 - 2025/05/09
This technically classifies them as exclusionists towards transgender individuals who do not experience gender dysphoria in any form, though most transmedicalists are not exclusionary and are very open to genuine and respectful discourse. There are some extremely exclusionary transmedicalists, but they only represent a small part of the whole community.
From what I can see there, I think it's quite obvious this page was edited by multiple people, all trying to add words that justify their own beliefs. like the "guys there are som bad transmeds but some of them are good!!!" line at the end. like this contradicts the entire rest of the paragraph and is SUCH biased language. in fact, we can REALLY tell how biased it is because there's literally no sourcing on this whole system. i despise how unprofessional this site is. wikis should be for NEUTRAl INFORMANTION. that is the entire point of wikis. not some pet project to try and explain how "guys my belief is good" in casual language. if you have to resort to putting mini disclaimers and justificatinos that are poorly written, it shows how your points are probably bad and people shouldn't trust them. AND YET SOMEHOW THIS IS STILL THE BEST WIKI FOR LGTBQ TOPICS??? hate my life. it's all like this annoying "fake inclusivity" and "be yourself" type stuff that ultimately ends in everything being so watered down and wishy-washy that none of it means anything. noen of the identities are given PROPER definitions because everyone just chucks a bunch of random info on the page and leaves it at that, not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings - of course, that doesn't include The Bad PeopleTM, who it's fine to hurt the feelings of, because they are Bad And Transmedicalist......... :sob: guys i don't agree with transmedicalism as a concept but it's also just bad writing and this is what i mean by like "liberal woke" type behaviour. because again, i don't have a proper word. it's just blindly believing in anything that sounds kind without thinking about the reprecussions of what's ACTUALLY right to do. so again, they provide misinformation and do not allow any criticism for any identity because "That's Prejudice." no constructive discussions are allowed because "It's Prejudice." ugh. like i doubt they would allow an identity which is about how you hate gender because "It's Bigoted." like yeah ok it goes against the general opinions of the wiki, but does that mean you shouldn't document it? No! Because it's still something that falls under the trans umbrella and should be documented! you can't just censor all the people you disagree with, even if those people are being actively harmful! BECAUSE THAT'S STILL CENSORSHOP> oh my god. like yeah this isn't true censorship bc this is just a privately-run wiki, ik, i'm not saying they need to be Legally Enforced because they don't, but i'm still going to criticise them because they clearly don't have the true goal of "neutral lgbtq information," and instead care more about pushing the wishy-washy "be how you like heart emoji" type of stuff that i have complained about before. meaningless platitudes of accepting people without actually accepting anyone, just accepting a bunch of arbitrary labels that people Think Sound Nice.
also for the Label That Is Correct To Me it's probably something like nebularomantic bisexual quoigender but also i'm not going to just go around randomly saying the labels because it makes it sound like it's a core part of my identity. it's not. i don't like the "word salad" approach to this stuff that the majority of the community seems to have. like i don't care how many random inconsequential labels you use to describe yourself because really, without the context of anything else, it is entirely meaningless and in fact just annoying because it shows you care just as much about boxes as The ConservativesTM do.
just a throught 🤷🤷🤣👍⛈️🔥🧯🧯🚒🚒🤯💥
#494 - 2025/05/09
#493 - 2025/05/09
also people keep ignoring my tumblr posts. i want likes because i want to be aknowledged. is that so hard to ask
ALSO ALSO i think i am basically just tomori-nyamu combo. its the truth
#492 - 2025/05/09
#491 - 2025/05/09
admittedly a lot of people will say theyre a bad syhstem but you gotta do it anyway, but still, i disagree. once again, it's like saying "heteronormativity is a bad system, but you know, if you can pass within it then you may as well just pretend." like i mean, for the individual person, it's fine? they can just pretend to be straight or try to pass an exam? but on the larger scale this is pretty much inexcusable because all you're doing is exasserbating a big problem. YOU are making it worse, with complacency and inaction. so shut up when you say things like you're "progressive" honestly (talking to a specific "friend" of mine who i had an utterly braindead conversation with, not necessarily everyone here!!!)
#490 - 2025/05/08
#489 - 2025/05/08
the finalised niicespiice AI OpinionsTM: i don't like how it's just a tool that people use to be lazy. i haven't seen examples of ai that's not just "how to cut corners and avoid your actual job and find another way to just get more time so you can doomscroll online"
i don't care about literally any of the other anti-ai points that people say like "wHaT aBoUt ThE JoBs" because ultimately having less jobs should be a good thing and i think it's esentially "capitalist brainwashing" (sorry don't have a better word that sounds less conspiratorial) that people believe having jobs is inherintly a good thing. It's Not. the only issue is that once the jobs are removed, people dn't get paid. the issue here ISN'T the lack of jobs. it's the lack of actually supporting people and just having a society that relies on people doing labour for no reason when most of it isn't needed
that is my ai opinoins
also it's often ugly, or factually wrong. it's not that competent, so people using it as a shortcut is extra annoying. it's clear thyey have no sense of quality control so when they start cutting corners with something that has no qualityh, their laziness becomes even more apparent
i think the "bbbbut what about copyright" point is also stupid because. #1, copyright bad, and #2 even if we're playing within the bounds of copyright law, i'm pretty sure it was rul,ed as "not infringement" because it learns the same way humans learn. if it creates content that is ultimately distrinct, even if it's cobbled together from other things, it's still uique enough to not be infringing
ultimate stance: in current political climate, it's causing problems - but in an ideal society it's abssoltttely fine, and i don't; think we should be teling people "nooo dont make technologies that are powerful and replace a human in something because umm.. because bad!! because job good!!" i really don't think this is a good argument to have because again, it's people who say they're leftwing but then dont truly support a world without labour. like do you not see the picture here chat. do you not understand the idea. less work IS MORE GOOD. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
whatever. ambivolence
#488 - 2025/05/08
#487 - 2025/05/08
#486 - 2025/05/07
#485 - 2025/05/07
#484 - 2025/05/07
also sakiko outfit arrived. gonna pull a [redacted due to spoilers] but you might know what i mean if youve seen [redacted due to spoilers]
#483 - 2025/05/07
#482 - 2025/05/07
#481 - 2025/05/06
#480 - 2025/05/06
#479 - 2025/05/06
due to tumblr's algorithm i have also been thinking a lot about Trans Things once more and it's confusing me. not really a good thing to admit to but i think i'm both transphobic and cisphobic simply because. gender stuff makes me uncomfortable. like yes if its a fictional character im not bothered but i dont like being reminded that other people are needlessly gendered for no apparent reason, and apparently this makes me bigoted ig? idk. again this is the stuff i talk about when i say "I'm so woke I go over the edge and somehow become a conversative." and i dont WANT to. especially considering i mostly have trans friends. but i'm just bottling it up, the fact i don't understand them, and pretending to be "one of them" when in reality i'm not. i don't understand this political movement and i think it's arguably counter-productive to removing sexism as a whole. and when i say sexism i don't necessarily mean "biological sex," i mean the gender roles as a whole. because you literally cannot be either trans or cis without at least somewhat agreeing with something sexist - that ceertain genders are associated with certain concepts and roles. and if you don't associate them at all, then gender literally doesn't mean anything so you would be nonbinary. i don't understand and it makes me angry. angry at everyone but also angry at myself, for not being able to understand which seems so simple to everyone else. and of course i can't reallllly talk about it openly because that's just randomly harassing people which is Bad
i expect to lose followers or respect for this one but i also don't really mind considering This Is What You SIgn Up For When Reading A Diarybox
tbf i have alluded to this before so i don't think it's that out of the blue
but i'm also not really "transphobe-aligned" because all of them (or at least the ones i am aware of) are just saying "erm thats Cringe? cringe bad??? woke bad???" and thats their entire argument like no. thats not what i think at all. but i'm also not going to blindly defend stuff that i can't see a good reason to exist aside from "it's more convinient to let people transition but ultimately keep gender roles as a vague ethereal concept that doesn't really exist, than to actually fully deconstruct gender and have a genderless society." because that is ultimately what we should be aiming for here and we are going backwards in multiple regards. but yeah the transphobes are just biological essentialist sexists, this is obvious. which is also obviously Bad. because biological sex doesn't even really exist (something i found out about 6 months ago and is quite a big update to my knowledge).
also the "capitalising important words" i do so much - is apparently a common tumblr thing?? according to some random person on reddit???? is it??? have i been secretly a tumblr user this whole time? Yes, but also i associate it more with [redacted] than anything.
working on a website home-screen imge thing because i want a proper profile picture like the other people
#478 - 2025/05/06
#477 - 2025/05/06
#476 - 2025/05/06
linux mint linux mint
did some work on my old music, it's a lost cause
dropping out of therapy
getting my mother to email the NHS on how to remove autism diagnosis :fire emoji:
#475 - 2025/05/06
#474 - 2025/05/05
in other news, i have looked at some of my old cakewalk projects and Oh Boy are they mid (for the most part). but trhe worst bit is that I CANT EVEN MAKE THEM SOUND BETTER NOW!! I HAVE BARELY IMPROVED IN YEARS!! I DONT KNOW WHAT T O DO TO MAKE THESE SECTIONS FEEL MORE FLESHED OUT! THE ONLY GOOD BITS ARE THE CHORUSES! sigh if only someone could ACTUALLY explain eqing in a way that Makes Sense and Is Good. but alas, we live in a hasrh world of self-help mixing tutorials that cost $500 and probably only exist to get you to pay even MORE money for private tuition that will not t each you anything except giving you more motivation to practice on your own, ultimately helping nothing and still ending up with the person doing it all on their own. SIGH capitralism
#473 - 2025/05/05
#472 - 2025/05/05
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#470 - 2025/05/05
#469 - 2025/05/04
people tell me things like "well i'm sure something new interesting will happen, humans will always have problems." if humans will always have problems tat can't change and will always be a part of themselves, then we can't resolve them in the storeies in the first place. because theyre unchanging. so theres no point of making a story about it Not Changing and Not Doing Anyhthing. SO AWAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HELPPPPPPPPPP I JUST WANT TO MAKE MY SAKISOYO ANGST
#468 - 2025/05/04
#467 - 2025/05/04
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#463 - 2025/05/04
#462 - 2025/05/04
#461 - 2025/05/03
#460 - 2025/05/03
extra context: i think people who complain about proshippers are annoying but i also think people who complain about antishippers are annoying. like its just a stupid way to strawman. it's annoying. and also its making me anxious because im nearly done with ave mukjica with one of those friends and the ending is VERY VERY VERY like proshipper-bait kinda? or it's like, it's intentionaly depicted as unhealthy but i don't want them to be agreeing with the messae of the show because like. uika my beloved. stop criticising her she cant do anything
#459 - 2025/05/03
#458 - 2025/05/03
#457 - 2025/05/03
so when an important choice comes by, what do i do..? i'm too broken by the choices. this is why i want other peole to make them for me, and yet still, i hate it when they do that. funny how that goes, right? my true self who hates other peoples' opinions always shines through somehow
#456 - 2025/05/03
i am considering becoming takamatsu tomori
also tomori is 100% a yorushika fan and nobody can take this away from me (they can actually)
#455 - 2025/05/02
#454 - 2025/05/02
logically i think they might be right, but i dont know what to do with this information if they ARE right. because chasing my dreams, it's all i particularly have? because if i dont do that, then im just wallowing in the past innit m8. its annoying. people point out these flaws but dont give solutions becasue guess what - THERE IS NONE! or at least, theres none that you can give me, that i cant make on my own. because im so quirky & selfish & smart
#453 - 2025/05/02
i keep raging at osu because im not good enough
#452 - 2025/05/02
#451 - 2025/05/02
when he is calm he is a rational and smart person but he gets angry relaly easily because hes got this thing where he will sort of. look mildly uncomfortable/impatient as a way to poorly signal his dissatisfaction, and then when i go "bro whats wrong???? why is bro mad" he will be like "Well. Is it not Obvious? :thinking emoji: :thinking emoji:" and then either he'll go back to his impatient form OR he'll burst into an annoyed spiel about how everything is bad and everyone is wasting his time and being inconsiderate. Mate I literally went into a shop for five minutes stop blaming your child and wife(?) who barely even did anything. in fact actually we did Nothing. its just that all he cares about is time management. he has some sort of idealistic vacation in his head but it never ends up being a vacation because he finds a way to be mad about time management. and then after he gets angry he just goes "aanyway" and then smiles sometimes and expects us to just Forget ASbout It.
there is, of course, as always more depth to this but it's not really pleasant to think about and i've probably done enough for now
my mother is also a chronic enabler 🔥🔥🔥 ahahahhaha! Fun! i can't help but feel like i have to protect her feelings, and i can't help but feel her feelings of pain when she's mildly upset by me calling her out. so i become a more callous person with an internalised sense of guilt overtime. Thanks Chat
at this point i have just given up because again, as children are Literally Property Of Their Parents there's nowhere else i can go which is better because almost all parents i have ever met (or can even imagine!!!) are abusive so. yknow
although, it's not like i'm any better. that's the issue here. i can't imagine a person who IS better; because what are they meant to do? there's nothing we CAN do, because to treat his anger as "bad" is like this very. watered-down perspective of "everything m ust be Innocent And Good." like no, he has a genuine reason to be annoyed, even though that's annoying. what are you meant to do about that? what is ANYONE menat to do about that? because again, if i do the same thing, then going by thge logic of blaming my dad then i would ALSO be an abuser. i have no choices. it's either me and him are both blamed (and everyone in the world is blamed) or we kinda just ignore the issue. WHAT AREWE MEANT TTO DO i. hate the categorisation of people into "abusers and vicvtims" honestly. because "abuse" is such an utterly subjective term that's basically gatekept by psychology people that i end uup not wanting to use it at all, aside from as a shorthand. much like with words like "Mental illness." it's a shorthand for a deeper experience because all olf these carategories are subjective
counter me if im wrong
#450 - 2025/05/02
#449 - 2025/05/02
#448 - 2025/05/02
#447 - 2025/05/02
I HATRE CLEANING GLASSES IT ACTUALLY MAKES ME WANT TO STOMP ON THE. I CANT FIND THE "GLASSES CLEANING CLOTH" and apparently thats ENOUGH to make it all MISTY AND JKLPASDASDLJKKJLASDSADJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ WHY DO I NEED SOME STUPID FANCY PIECE OF SJKDOFSJKLDFLKSDFSLDFKL AHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
#446 - 2025/05/01
this is the conclusion i have come to after The Fallout of YouTube 2024 September (Sad) (Gone Wrong) (Gone Right?) (REHABILITATION?!?!?!)
it's just us trying to pass the time, it's not deeper, i don't think. so what's the difference between some faux meaning and addiction? don't say i'm ruining art when this is all art ever was. of course, i hate clickbait as much as anyone. but that's because te deep stuff is good for pretending i'm living a meaningful life when such a meaningful life does not exist in the first place
what am i saying im tired
let me out let me out
i had to stay up later than my body wanted because i know that if i didnt then i wouldnt have broken the procrastination cycle
i also started coughing a bit
#445 - 2025/05/01
no matter the words we get caught up in, it's just decoration on reality
#444 - 2025/05/01
#443 - 2025/05/01
i dopn't persaonlly want to categorise myself as aroace. i would much rather say that i am the sensible ones and they are the ones who are not actually following through on their chains of logic. hoiwever, this becomes far too easily dumbed down to "oh you wouldn't understand, because youre aroace."
they don't understand.
it's the other way around.
bceause i don't understand, that's why i become considered "aroace."
it's not that i don't understand romance/sexual attraction because i was born without those attractions in me.
it's the other way around.
because i was born without the ability to UNDERSTAND those attractions as a concept that even exists, i cease to be able to feel it, thus becoming nominally aroace against my will
do you not get it
ahhhhhh it's a pretty big differenceb ut sjsdfsdfsdfsdfjsdfjsdfsd
i literally cannot tell if i am aroace (nebularoace) because i am TOO WOKE that all these socially-constructed cateogires just start to break down at this point
none of it means anything
so i sit here, being told to "respect other peoples' life experiences" but then simultaneously told to "say what i think." which is it? to spare peoples' feelings for the good of humanity or selfishly hurt them for my own sake of self-expression? which is it? which am i possibly mean tto do?
i would rather chase the truth, that being my selfish personality, but i know if i follow that logic then i'm just as bad as the people i criticse
actually vthats probably a stupid way to say it - because if someone can prove me wrong then i will happily take on their ideology
so yeah i think i'm just eing overly self-critical because i have a self-doubt complex partially
bnut pleased on't tell me to "not doubt myself" because again, that's notthe point. if you tell that to everyone, then that's how you create modern-day politicains. and you hate those guys, don't you..??? exactly. deep down yyou want people to doubt themselves. you just want to pick and choose who gets to have the self-confidence, based on which is comfortable for YOU.
#442 - 2025/05/01
anyway yeah vocaloid as a tool i like it, but i'd also be fine with ai-cloning peoples' voices as long as you use them tastefully (just like vocaloids) but i am not allowed to do that without being Held ResponsibleTM so i guess no fun for me. even thouhgh that is such a fun concept but whatever
#441 - 2025/05/01
#440 - 2025/05/01
oh i know what it is - it's using progressive language and ideals like equality and having good pay, and just using that to enforce and ideology that is ultimately un-communist and un-epic
#439 - 2025/05/01
#438 - 2025/05/01
#437 - 2025/04/30
NVM JUST RELISTENING TO THAT SONCE TWICE IN A ROW FOR SOME REASON THE SECOND TIME I SUDDENLY LIKE. MY STRESS LEVELS SHOT REALLY REALLY REALLY RHIGH UP??? THAS SO WEIRD. I THINK ITS NOT TO DO WITH THE SONG BUT. ITS WEIRD
#436 - 2025/04/30
So many interesting song ideas, no ability to write music for them at all though! Really need to turn that old laptop on to get the data, and then SCRAM!!! I have anxiety though. RIP! Me when the disorder is actualy a disorder that causes problems: shocked emoji
below is a venn diagram of persona fans and mentally ill people:
just a thought
need to start TOTk streams again
also thinking of like. hobby tier list. as in. importance of things. are they professions? are they "lifelong serious passions?" or are they random things i do for fun sometimes thta i wanna develop maybe???? like there are so many options. hhhh
why does the trans community have no fixes for SIMPLE things??? like why do we have all these stupid rules about binders instead of just. making a reverse binder that makes the rest of your body thicker to match your chest so you can wear it when you sleep? and why is there no binder for like. thighs. because one thing about the summer that really bothers me is that i'll wear shorts but then it's really inconvinient because they're all way too tight for me because my legs are too big. and it's annoying because like. somehow that's seen as sexual. like sorry chat its my fault i got this RNG at birth. WHY ARE THERE NO THIGH BINDERS THIS IS DRIVING ME INSANE HELP. tbf the solution really is just "get more of those shorts i like that are loose" but SHUT UP LET ME BE ANGRY FOR NO REASON!! although there is something here that IS a genuine reason: a lot of trans solutions are all about hormones. like there are barely any ftm voice tutorials because "oh you guys will take hormones anywa--" shut up shut up shut up shut up. stop treating HRT as some sort of solving magic nonsense. its not. im not taking testosstorone i dont want to stop it. stop trying to pressure me. it's not even pressuring intentionally, it's just... not making alternatives, despite supposedly "supporting your trans siblings?" shut up shut up shut up. i know megumi ogata can sound like a cis man so just. gimme a tutorial on that bro. its not hard (it is hard probably) BUT OHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH why must i always be the one to do it on my own. why am i the only one capable of doing things the CORRECTway? probably because im the only one who WANTS them done this way because im just really 0.01% quirky gamer sigma alpha awoo wolf (im just saying)
the seagulls keep making noises EVERY NIGHt multiple times and ITS. AHHHHHHHH. its actually a sign fore me to finish umineko
#435 - 2025/04/30
What was once love has turned into haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate
idk why im pretending these are the same song. these are just two random lines
#434 - 2025/04/29
also my friends have been indecisive and annoying (just like me!!!)
anyway i thik the theme of sdr2 is pretty obvious, but took me a long time to realise due to me having experienced it via a let's-play at a pretty young age (so even less media literacy than rn) - i think it's about "people can defy the odds they weree born with and succeed." we can see this in the fact that komaeda, the main antagonist who believes people are born with their natural talents and cannot change it, his plan that relies on luck in the 5th chapter ultimately fails (at least that's what i remember the plot was)? because his "grand master plan" relied so much on luck, and he never tried to take things into his own hands, instead blindly accepting the fate he was born with. meanwhile the other characters end up perservering because they actively TRY to make things better instead of giving up. and this theme is something i never really wanted to realise or think about simply because i had for a long time AGREED with komaeda's philosophy despite the game blatantly calling it wrong, in fact to the point of disliking the game as a whole, the fandom as a whole, and being confused, but i think this is ultimately the message of the game. i think the reason why it rubbed me the wrong way is that komaeda is clearly a tragic character and it's basically the game constantly dunking on him for his opinions without even giving him a chance, but no matter what i try to do, i can't ignore that it's the truth of the game's theme. and i think i can see this message much more clearly now, even if it means i have to put aside my idealism and actually think about how the writer partially disagrees with me.
#433 - 2025/04/29
#432 - 2025/04/29
#431 - 2025/04/28
i love using unrelated stories to process life events
anyway anywa wany way all i want to do rn is play osu while listening to some long videos ig. ehhhh kinda silly but for now ill do it
#430 - 2025/04/28
#429 - 2025/04/28
but without these delusions
what is left?
#428 - 2025/04/27
#427 - 2025/04/27
#426 - 2025/04/27
#425 - 2025/04/27
but in another way, obviously this is bad.
you're always so far away.
it's like you want to be further away... why?
why do you purposefully try to make yourself so charismatic, so "bright," just to turn your back on the people who need you the most?
saki-type behaviour ngl
ik i'm vagueposting andi t's technically "selfish" but it's my real feelings; i'm not happy for your "bright fuuture" because all that's ever done is cause me pain. you don't even need me but you give enough info that it makes it seem like you think i'm decent enough, but then you just. walk away. like why? do you really care that little? probably
i have beein this loop for like. 4 years at this point. i should have stopped interacting a long time ago, but i cn't help it, because we're friends
and also, because i'm a selfish dreamer
i could go it alone again, but i know that won't lead to happiness.
so i'm stuck here, unable to do anything, not even to complain, because you will never see this (and quite frankly i don't think i want you to).
i could definitely go deeper here, but it's hard. maybe a song is enough. i want to continue some of my solo projects, but i dont remember where the files are~
and i also somehow want to feel this vindictive form of pain because it lets me like the fire music. it's better than emptiness, right? it gives me a meaning for creation. the mentally ill are ALWAYS the best creators after all!
#424 - 2025/04/27
#423 - 2025/04/27
#422 - 2025/04/27
"In a world filled with color, I was the only one born monochrome."
tomori probably said it ngl ABGHHHH CRYCHIC AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#421 - 2025/04/27
#420 - 2025/04/27
so always at the very least i have that. the more bad things that happen to me the more i become Literally Her Frfr. it's kind of funny but also really sad. only mygo viewers would understand, you can watch it here if you want: https://animepahe.ru/play/5aa5e38d-3cf5-26d4-8f17-4585eb732707/4f69cd8d21c3ab2e48d309d081dfa726e4fe705c8af907d0d6a4f2d56c27fc18"
#419 - 2025/04/27
#418 - 2025/04/27
#417 - 2025/04/26
#416 - 2025/04/26
#415 - 2025/04/26
#414 - 2025/04/26
#413 - 2025/04/26
but yeah this shows that i am pretty easily affected by other peoples' emotions becasue AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. it's kind of inronic/funny b ut eh
i would explain the whole situation if i could be bothered to, but it's relaly long and utterly idiotic. just my dad treating me like a prop without illnesses and then my mum treating me partially as if i am ONLY my illnlesses, despite them just being a part of me (and also ignoring the ones she ffinds inconvinient, that too)
edit@ basically the conflict is, my dad seems to care a lot about a "schedul" and "communication" despite communicating with him being unfun and anoying, like he's always at a job and wants to be time efficient. my mum is a pushover but it's not that she particularly BELIEVS what other people say, she just lets them have thbeir way and is secretly angry inside (and then she lets it all out in a petty argument that is unable to change anything).
i feel like i want to do uika & nyamuposting rn but i have nothjing to say. i feel tired. first i need to clean my glasses.
also wanting to work on trio project, but writing it brings back my existentialism like "isn't this all meaningless? making fake characters for other peoples' enterintament, when ultimately all the chareactters are just me?" idk. it feels fake. once vthe story's over, once the hype moments are gone, where do we go? we manufacture new hype moments for the sake of it. we create suffering just for the sake of entertainment because if we don't then we'll die
#412 - 2025/04/25
#411 - 2025/04/25
i just want the other people to respect me for being a Pro Musician even though i do like, not enough music, not invested enough. i feel like a faker in a crowd of pros. i feel like they'll abandon me because i'm not keeping up, like i'm forgettable and sink back into the crowd. i want to be the center of attention because that way i'll never disappear. but i know i don't actually wantr to be a pro. i want to keep doing the things i'm doing already. it's just, i feel the societal pressure to be a "true musician"TM, whatever that shifting goalpost of a skill means, as it creeps in and ruins my mentality
#410 - 2025/04/25
yeah at this point i'm just reaaaaly sick of helping out my friends. they have the most stupid problems and it's like. i would help you if you ACTUALLY had something that needed WORK and was FUn but no it's always the most stupid psychological traps that i can't get them out of. so i just keep tewlling them the same things. im so mad at this point that im being kinda harsh, and i'm also not going to be congratulating them if they finally do something. i'm not going to be happy for them. i'll just be relieved that they're not being dumb anymore ... because oh my god they have the most annoying problems. it doesnt seem to be proper "depression" it's just "yawn cant be bothered." which is also me but at least im doing SOME things yk? im being introspective and turning it into fuel (although tbf whatever the fuel is for is still a mystery. a rocket? a car? a gun? who knows!)
i think the fact i'm honest DOESNT help anything. because yes i could give one of those really fake things like "Sorry I have really been at the end of the line right now, it's not your fault at all (lie) and I don't want to upset you (lie) so I can't really continue on with this conversation anymore (lie)". I'm not sure if other people are genuine about that kind of letter, but to me, it just seems fake. I'm Arima Kana - if I care about someone, I won't butter them up (actually either way I won't butter them up). It's annoying, impractical, and does nothing to help anythjing. I just hope I won't kill anyone with this method
#409 - 2025/04/25
#408 - 2025/04/25
i care about the famous people as PEOPLE. not as people on a pedestal to believe must be the representation of Law And OrderTM. like, and then there's this whole thinmg about "the parasocials." mate do you even know what that word means? i'm sorry but even if you dislike them, or watch a couple of their livestreams, that's still parasocial. parasocial as a word has been entirely ruined by people who think Liking Stuff is a bad thing. actually, this is what i think the song [Itsuka Otona ni Nareru to ii ne] by TUYU is about. It starts off as this godlike arbitter saying she's so much above the others, and how she calls them obsessive fans, but then eventually it turns out all she does is turns her back when the others need her the most. These are broken children who cling onto a pop idol. And then she has the audacity to call THEM the bad ones, while she, in the privelaged opinion, insults them online? The MV ends with an image of HER holding an item with an image of the idol on it, showing how even if they are obsessive fans, so is she, jsut in a different way.
now i don't think this is necessarily the INTENDED view of the song. but i definitely think it's more interesting than just "girl disses other fans but is actually also A Parasocial? oh em jee!!!" again the whole "parasocial" thing is just a way to pretend to like mentally ill peolpe but not actually understand them. probably just to tell them to go to therapy. it's so annoying like. this is such an "ignoring the system that caused the issue in the first place" thing. "blame the victims." apparently famous people are onnly allowed to be famous if they don't become TOO liked. you're allowed to be liked but not loved. hated but not liked. this is the strange logic these people live under, and it irritates me to no end. they go on about how famous people are "just humans too," while doing everything they can to treat them as inhumans. do they not understand what it's like to have yearned for the spotlight their entire lives? no? then you can't even begin to say what famous people "deserve" or "don't deserve" because you just don't understand. it's a chronic addiction. we cannot get rid of it, we just have to get rid of it (or at least, the ones who really want it). even if we are broken, you can't fix us, so don't take these bandages off the wounds just because "healthy people don't wear bandages." taking off the protecion won't heal the scars. it's not causation. the "parRaSocISclas" arent causiong mental illness by "Being Parasocial," they are mentally ill and THEREFORE they latch onto people they can imagine better futures in that reality couldn't provide them. that is the appeal of famous people. and i'm sorry but if you like a SINGLE FAMOUS PERSON, then you have NO RIGHT to criticse these people. because you are parasocial too. you're just doing it like a centrist - "well um i like famous people but not TOOOO much guys! i'm a normal like you too! right right?" fame centrists. thats what im calling it and i will die on this hill (or maybe not idk)
#407 - 2025/04/25
i always feel like i'm struggling to put things into words, but other people seem to think i'm eloquent, so eh. i probalby have just thought about it so much that it balances out my natural un-eloquence.
anyway i've been thinking about oshi no ko and wrote 3k words of ideas in like 1 hour for my rewrite concept i gave up months ago. will not finish it though, i'm just keeping the obsidian vault to add random ideas overtime until inn like 20 years it accumulates into peak. right now i need to organise trio project and----- STORAGE DEVCICES. NOT THIS. im so afraid of losing data but i do nothing about it because i don't know how to store all the stuff
#406 - 2025/04/24
also the existence of homophobic yuri fans is funny t ome
#405 - 2025/04/24
#404 - 2025/04/24
#403 - 2025/04/24
#402 - 2025/04/24
the mentally ill are always the most aesthetic. prove me wrong
#401 - 2025/04/23
just a random thought: if everyone commits crimes then the pollice cant keep up with them. erm sorry that just slipped out (idea in case of fascism!). if nobody was afraid of the police, the police would be unable to do ANYTHING aside from jsut shoot everyone who is mildly suspicious. which would just be blind murder and eventuaullly would stop. so really we will just be free if we do that innit m8. just a tought jsut a thought im not actually a criminal im too much of a coward kjsdfjksdjkf
#400 - 2025/04/22
#399 - 2025/04/22
#398 - 2025/04/22
#397 - 2025/04/22
as i am embraced by the light, the memories, and the facade. somehow just the humid, bright atmosphere, as well as the scattered cherry blossoms give me such a feeling of hope. it's strange, it really is....
i was also thinking about YouTube Stuff. i've found a few people who can be straemer friends, but first i ahve to make sure they are safeTM. so i need to play so mcci with them on avoice call, maybe? i'm just anxious to call them. what if it goes wrong? i guess i should just set a time-based duration...
my dream - even though it is harsh, us, a group of legendary youtube-adjactent peopleTM, will stick together to make this lie a reality. to remind people of what it means to "live." because that's what they gave to me, all those years ago. they're gone now, thoujgh. it was a perfect storm, a perfect combination of people to drive eachother forward and create a world compelling and worth exploring, so vibrant, so sprawling. so i need a lot of people, and to try to get along with them....... but it's my dream. so................ i have to do something, or else i will die with regrets
#396 - 2025/04/22
the truth that being in the modern western world children ARE essentially a temporary slave class, although tbf we do have some human rights. but did you know there is an exceptrion in human rights laws to detain minors against their will for the sake of education? just a fun fact 😇 (we have no human rights.. bt theres nobody who will fight foir us... fun)
my mother seems to think that she is being nice to me because she doesn't use "mean words." when will peolpe understand that kindness has nothing to do with word choice bros........ kms
#395 - 2025/04/22
perhaps it would be better if tuyu
#394 - 20250/04/22
I'm not like other people
I can't just do what I'm told when it's convinient for them
I scratch and claw like an animal because that's the monster you made me be
Because you expect us children to be perfect victims
But no such thing exists
So we, unloved, become "delinquents"
You aplogise, but it's meaningless
Because you're still doing what they tell you
#393 - 2025/04/21
#392 - 2025/04/21
OHHH and i spent so long trying to remember something for 391 and i finally remembered! it was that genuinely the thought of "distortion = funny" brings back life to my world. i like pretending to be a youtuber in the bathroom mirror. it's a big mirror compared to the one in our last house, so i can make big hand gestures and exaggerated expressions as i lipsync to the insane rants in my head. they are over-the-top. it's good. it would be better if i had distortion effects. that on its own, such a simple thing yet it's so funny to me.... i'm sure one day i'll get bored of it, but for nowi, i'll accept this lie and drown in it. because even if we fall down and never come back to the surface again, at least it's better than being burned by the sun.
#391 - 2025/04/21
#390 - 2025/04/21
#389 - 2025/04/21
also the same thing goes about Studies. school is just a psyop by the government to make people think capitalism is actually for the good of us (because "education!") /hj. i say half-joking and use the tonetag seriously because this has an actual meaning. all the people are being weird by hating on it. it's not an accessibility tool. it's a shorthand. shorthand is technically accessibility but it's not for autistic people in particular, it's just for conveying tone. they are TONE tags after all. if you dont know what sarcasm is then you can't understand a sarcasm tone tag. they have always been "inaccessible" and that's just how it is - if you don't like it, please at least try to undersatnd why we use it. there is a genuine reason and it's not just "ummm slash aych jay bad!!!" because it's Not. it blatanly is not bad. it means half-joking which can mean MANY things, to different people. that is the point. but to me it means "The sentiment here is true but I'm being a drama queen about it (gender-neutral)." that is what most people seem to use it for. it's not confusing. you are making it confusing by trying to quantify many peoples' usage of a Language and trying to turn it into Math. it is a society thing and you kjust have to ask each person individually. that is all. you cannot solve all humans for x.
anyway back onto the school thing uhhhh what did i have to say? yeah it's not educational at all and whenever someone talks about it being " a mixed bag" it wants me to rip my hair out, You Little Centrist. it is literally the #1 way The Establishment of CapitalismTM gets its little grubby hands onto the youth of today. and then the police can LITERALLY SEIZE YOu. LITERRALLY. SEIZE. YOUR CHILDREN. THAT YOU WERE TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF THE BEST YOU CAN. BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE AT LEAST. because you are "not educating them." because children are just machines to turn into adults one day. children suffering is okay as long as it's "for their later future!" when will you learn that you haven't saved their futures at all? And of course because the law is corrupt and no matter how good a lawyer tries to be they are ultimately just enforcing a System, you cannot defend an innocent family because ultimately they oppose the status quo and nobody listens because they too have been brainwashed by the "WOW BUT ITS EDUCATION!! ERM ABUSIVE!!!" framework of capitalism. and it just makes me feel guilty,, but in an angry way. because all the other people who say "wow this world is being ruined," they don't understand. they don't understand at all. they just want it to go back to persecuting the people they hate, the peopl who "don't educate their children." they just want things to go their way. this is again what i say by me being too woke for the woke people... :sob:
literally by trying to protect your children from what is essentially "capitalist brainwashig" which sounds stupid and i don't LITERALLY think it is brainwashing but it is deeply harmful, you are called abusive. Thanks Guys. i think this is probalby the reason why i am so vehemontly against "school centrism." because anything BUT trying to abolish the current school systems isn't enough. to preach moderation doesn't do anything - centrism DOESN'T do anything. that is the whole rason we hate centrists becasue they generally don't put things into action and are kinda pushovers. if al you do is go "well ummm ig it's okay" then all you are doing is blindly and apathetically backing up THE NUMBER ONE SYSTEM that has made this whole capitalism thing you SUPPOSEDLY hate. all because you are too "schoolisgood"brained to see that school is actually badbrained
aw man this makes me realise that i love the communist framework it's so Fun /srs. i see why jreg is obsessed with yapping about frameworks whatever that is (he is such a mental puzzle he deeply confuses me) ANYWAY. you can literaly just slap a communist viewpoint on ANYTHING and it INSTANTLY makes more sense. now it doesn't actually SOLVE anything but i'll be damned if it ain't soundin' pretty good
#388 - 2025/04/21
however, a thing i find weird - how can people simultaenously disrespect old religions (or just other modern-day religions) as fake, while affirming their own as real and something that should be respected? are they surely not all on equally "no-proof" footing?
#387 - 2025/04/21
#386 - 2025/04/21
anyway yeah i dont wanna study art fundamentals because i dont wanna become the "art gifted kid" again, so i desperately fight against this stuff because i see it as an oppressive system. i don't like the idea that to become GoodTM at art, you have to follow the old higherarchies to practice. like something about that just disgusts me and makes me want to give up. i don't want to have to follow your Figure Drawing Class Fifty Dollars Only Three Weeks Programme To Improve Your Sketching Quality The Simple Way, i want to MAKE THE THING I LIKE. but somehow i am unable to... i want to cheat and trace 3d models partially but i know that #1 won't work and #2 is a bad idea in general anyway
#385 - 2025/04/21
#384 - 2025/04/21
now, i could just decide to stagnate, and to never improve, but....... at the skills i am right now, it just doesnt feel right.....
#383 - 2025/04/21
stage 1: "hate my life. i should do something..... worthwhilem dare i say productive. something that makes me go Wow Im So Glad Im Alive Rn."
stage 2: finds something worth living for. "Right I gotta do this. I see the light, the brightness, I need to reach it. Time to grind Moo Moo Meadows Extra Difficulty Osu, I mean if I don't challenge myself I won't get better. This is a pretty hard rhythm, idk if it's overcharted but I feel like any good pro could do this so I may as well try testing it a little, trying tapping-only and then aim-only"
stage 3: I HATE OSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.........................what is this RHYTHM. THIS GTAMES. WHY IS IS SO HARD????? WHY DID THEY DO THIS *SLAMS KEYBOARD CLOSES GAME* welp thats another reason to live cycle over! pretty fast time, 30 mins. what will the next record be??? man i love speedrunning irl
i looked up "osu rage issues" and they say to "get a therapist" but she hasnt done anything so what do i do chat
#382 - 2025/04/21
we supposedly "hate" certain tropes just because we are told they are bad. but ultimately this stuff is literally Entirely Subjective. these critics, as i will call them, decide to make up objective rules to subjective media, but then preface it with "ofc you guys can break it whenever you want BUUUUT here's my take (and anyone who disagrees is a hack writer)". they clearly just put the disclaimer because they don't know what they're talking about - because they want to tell us to do something, but they have no knowledge of the subject itself. all they know is of their own surface-level opinions, and of some general facts like "art is subjective" and "character arc good." so they just spit them out, often as disclaimers, before getting to their ultimately unfounded opinion. their opinion which Does Not Matter because #1 a lot of popular series do not follow the rules of Good Art and #2 this is a random person on reddit. what book have they written? do you like it? do you think it's any good? if not, then how is following their advice gonna make your story better. now i am using the framing device here of "reddit dot com slash r slash writing" but it can be a lot of Media Things. ultimately stories are like one of THE most subjective things, probably up there with Music. at least food and visual arts can be weird but ultimately have some sort of coherance and overall objecitvely measurably good stuff. music and stories are literally just entirely subjective so Shut Up. this is how i have learned to stop taking to bad advice and instead drop off the face of the earth by quitting social media and became a hermit (in 3 simple steps!)
on a completely unrelated note, i would be a wonderful cult leader (read: Internet Personality who leads millions of people). like this is what i'm sayin'. but i feel like it's selfish, so even if i could most certainly do it, is it worth it? that's my problem. it's never an issue of "can i do it" (aside from the cases in which it is, in which case you should Ignore That because it doesn't back up my point and today we're here to listen to the reasons why i'm right instead of the reasons why i'm wrong), and it's always an issue of "is it RIGHT to do it?" if it was just whether i can do it, then i would sacrifice my soul to make it happen. that's what i did before, until i lost it all (although, i say that, despite never really having had it together in the first plac, i justt like to think i did). so now, lost, and existentially challenge, niicespiice has to navigate the next steps of their wacky adventure across the globe... what will happen next?! a failed exam...? a stray nuclear explosion?! we'll have to wait and see on the next episode of [REDACTED]
#381 - 2025/04/21
maybe if im just a Chill Guy who "doesn't hold the weight of the world on their shoulders at all possilbe times" then it would be a lot better! but then if i don't do that, then i will jsut be like the people i despise so much.... aww man the hypocrisy-existentialism moments are coming back. well! time to do nothing and instead wait for someone else to save me!
if nobody provides a clear answer then perhaps i shall make an incorrect one. hmmm how about that (i say before Not Doing Anything).
anyway i think part of the problem is like. all the Mentally Ill PeopleTM just end up making eachother worse. because we have lived lives of suffering caused by people who ignored us and "did not sweat the small details" regarding out lives, when we see someone who actively is saying "nah stop sweating the small details and make ur life better" we get a knejerk reaction. and thus, we cannot live with "normal society," and doom ourselves to suffer. it might make my life better to not sweat the small details, but what would that do to the other people?
#380 - 2025/04/20
#379 - 2025/04/20
#378 - 2025/04/20
#377 - 2025/04/20
#376 - 2025/04/19
#375 - 2025/04/19
#374 - 2025/04/19
but, how do we actionably change... anything? because people will always bring up thjese stupid things like "erm actually i think censorship is good cuz i hate pedophiles!" ok and? you can dislike something but still not want it to be censored. you can think something should not be done because it is harmful, but also aknowledging that people should not be restricted in the knowledge they have. because knowledge is NEVER. EVER. Bad. name a SINGLE time knowledge has been bad. can you do it? i don't know. anyway then they might say "well if you like free speech so much then riddle me this; i have free speech to disagree with you. SIGMA! GET OWNED." that is like the worst misinterpritation of free speech ever. yes ofc they have free speech to disagree with me! the point is that we can disagree but you shouldn't be legally censored. because the more we start doing that, the closer we get to facism. in my opinion, even a single rule on the distribution of information is technically a form of facism. just a small, tiny one, that nobody sees because they are too dumb to actually think about the people they're hurting because THEY are not the ones being hurt. people should be allowed to explain how to make bombs. you can enforce it so people can't buy the materials to make bombs, but there's nothing wrong with knowing how. you know. for science. so why not? because Taboo. the one thing that comes back. because it sounds bad. becuase you go, "oh that's scary," and dislike it, but how do we actionably change these peoples' minds. it is such a triggering subject i genuinely cannot think straight enough to do anything. anything at all. i fear this problem will never be solved, and yet i still wish someone will just come in and save the world. but we won't because i can't think of a single country that's good. they are all bad in their own ways. there is no freedom, aside from at the bottom of the sea. even if you try to imagine yourself in it, it doesn't work, because if you make an imaginary world iwth the stuff you want then you're still beholden to whatever jurasdiction you are currently located in. and the fact that the majority of informational websites treat this as "justifiedd" disgusts me. is it even legal to criticse this? is this free speech not working? like death threats aren't covered under free speech. art isn't covered under free speech because it's not technically words. and if something copyrights something before you are able to say it, then tough luck, you're not allowed to say that thing anymore. because it's copyrighted, and free speech is a lie.
and i feel so objectifiewd when i remember that i am a legal entity. someone who is percieved by these organisations as a delusional teenage girl who thinks she's smart (purposefully misgendering myself here to actually show how uncomfortable this is). it makes me remember and it's painful. because no matter how much i try to escape, we will never be free. not until we abolish gender as a legal marker can we be free, really (among other things that should be abolished). again, probably not even legally allowed to say this. fascism & tyranny 🔥🔥 i just want to live in delusions like misumi uika!!!! based and uikapilled!! uika would literally be in jail if the bandori law enforcement caught on and was realistic. damn if only i was a fictional character! suicidal-type writing right there. cuz you can't be a fictional character. bnut i also can't fight because i have no actionable steps. i mean think about climate change activism, it's barely even done anything and "climate change bad" is ALREADY a thing that most people agree on. so if we can't even change anyuthing when it comes to THAT... we can't change anything at all, can we? well, fif that's the case, then maybe we should just live saying what we think anyway. better to die living than to have never lived at all, y'know? something like that. yeah. break the law so peak so peak (i say before doing literally nothing of importance, as is usually the case for "fake-woke" people.) true liberation comes in the form of literally doing nothing about anything wow so fun
#373 - 2025/04/19
#372 - 2025/04/19
#371 - 2025/04/19
#370 - 2025/04/19
#369 - 2025/04/19
#368 - 2025/04/19
#367 - 2025/04/19
#366 - 2025/04/19
but yeah "I am considering becoming a political extremist" is such a funny prhase I love it
#365 - 2025/04/19
This is my opinion on YouTube. If you continue to use YouTube, you do not morally have the right to complain about it being bad. Personally I still want to upload videos, and I do watch things from time to time, but to say things like "Omg Guys! My Home Page Sucks Today Rofl Rofl" which is what multilpe people have said to me at this point is just......... ugh. yyou literally have a home page how do you expect it NOT to suck? when has the feature been GOOD? i try to give these civil responses like "Yeah I stopped using YT a while ago because it wasn't that interesting to me anymore," but in reality I just want to smash their computer to take it away from them because they are being so. huskjsjdkhfskdjf hypocritical I suppose? No. Not hypocritical. False entitlement. Expecting everything to go your way, despite making 0 effort to do so, and then complaining when it doesn't go their way. Like are you dumb or smth
#364 - 2025/04/19
#363 - 2025/04/18
#362 - 2025/04/18
thats it byebye
#361 - 2025/04/18
on another note: i can't stop my body from getting these rushes of feeling sleepy/half unconcious for a half second though. very weird. some sort of dizziness? maytbe im really low on blood pressure. its like i just stood up after being asleep and my blood all rushes around and goes kjskhdjfhksdhkjfshkjdfs. i blame the setraline. this is what my om,ther is doing. i sure love wirthdrawl
#360 - 2025/04/18
me: *goes to jail*
thank you legal system
#359 - 2025/04/18
like everyone around me, even in fandoms, are such puritans. and if you don't follow then you get threatened to be jailed(?) llike wow what a dictatorship we live in /srs. but apparently this is a "free society." we say that but we damn well know it is NOT a free society. we aren't even free from our own minds, we fight things we think are too intense... i am just simply too hardcore for this world
there is some more stuff i would like to say here but i'm on a bit too much of a flimsy pedastal to do so rn
#358 - 2025/04/18
#357 - 2025/04/18
"They're for my sake, that's all, that's all they ever were
The words that just happened to overflow, spilling out of me as they searched for an exit
If they reach your heart and fill in its cracks even a little
Then although I'm just me, I'll scream that I'm right here
The song of a lost star"
and if tomori agrees then of course it's correct
#356 - 2025/04/17
anyway i watched ep7 avemuji with my friend and they didnt really Get why i like it so much. i sent an adited version of the script which explains it a bit amd they said "ohhh" but they didnt start crying with me or anything. i also didnt cry about it that time around which makes me feel like i've somehow became inhuman. like a small scene that was so important to me now just feels a little empty, even if i logically know i like it. idk.
btw the entire crashout was triggered by something that could be summed up as "What if I run out of ideas? All ideas have been done before, I am running out"
#355 - 2025/04/17
i also made a new t one tag. /wk. it is short for woke and is used to indicate that your message is to be read with the intention of being socially progressive
#354 - 2025/04/16
this feeds back into my point about the concept of mental illness in general. for seeing the world for how it truly is and being disgusted by it, you are "sick." but what if it was the other way around? what if the other people just had stockholm syndrome with being alive? that would make sense i guess
there is no inherint good in being alive. there is no inherint good in being dead. they are just two sides of the same coin. i just don't understand other people.
i have always been this way, with this whole existentialism thing. it's just some times i'm better at distracting myself than others.
again, writing this right now, i feel watched. like someone is going to appear and say, "oh goodness i'm so sorry you feel that way." i feel angry at those kinds of words. it's annoying. because it implicitly implies "you are wrong and sick and you need to get better. i'm sorry you had to be so unfortunate to be through such a tragic thing." what tragic thing? the fact i understand the truth when you don't, and have understood it for more than half of my life? okay bro. you go say that.
don't do it. it's seriously anoying. unless you somehow have an ACUAL answer that's not just self-help buzzwords like "respect" then you are literally the problem
but, regardless of how many words come out, nothing is actually going to happen anyway. i write about this a lot. because ultimately, nothing ever changes. it just stays the same. a poem never ends. it just stops moving
it will just go back to how it was before, as i wait to be saved by a moment that will never arrive, because it simply does not exist (unless it does, in which tell me! k thanks bye)
how boring, a doll until the end
"get some help" i do have the "help" but guess what? it never worked and it never has
again, it's just lip service to some grander ideal that i don't understand. apparently i too have to work to get better, but work on what? literally what? it's not a sport where i can train my stamina or muscles to improve. i'm not going to change just because someone says "it's good to do that." what is this mysterious "help" they speak of? if it existed, then i would have got it already
perhaps all the people like me have died already. rest in many merry pieces chat 🫡
note: this entire... thing was stemmed from the literal concept that can be summed up in one tphrase. "the story's over. we've won. now what?" and i literally hate that so so sos oso os os so oso osooooo much. just like 6 words or smth that make me feel such pain. because thats the whole core of this statement, right? humanity has "won." most people have what they want, and if they don't, fighting for what they want would still cause more pain for others than what they would gain, so mathematically speaking we have reached the "optimal society" even thoug ha few people are upset with it. now what? nobody has the answers to this, probably because it hasn't happened yet, and i'm just looking ahead. i struggle to find the reason to make fiction when all we're walking towards is a goal of an optimal society that literally cannot progress. stagnatio for eternity. heaven. i don't want to be in heaven on earth. let me out let me out let me out. and anything i write is just furthering that. i feel such an intense resentment to "fluffy things" probably just because of this; it feels meaningless. you create tropes of characters but none of them really mean anything because they're all happy anyway. why hwere they bnorn this wy? idk a bunch of relatively inconsequential circumstances. vthey all fill out roles. i genuinley think FIelds of Mistria is causing me to have this existential chrisis partially PLASE HELP
#353 - 2025/04/16
#352 - 2025/04/16
not that i expect there to be some higher purpose, it';s instead more about the redundnacy of trying to make things better. like... i know that no matter what you do, you will never literally be perfect. but there's a *closest* point to that marker you can get. that is "perfection," the maximum amount of "good" you can be (or the world can be). in that state, everything is good. which sounds good until you realise... like what? ok so people talk aboujt this whole "meaning of art" stuff. the point of art is to show a point. but if the world is perfect then why do we need art to show us a point. so now art just exists for aesthetic value. ok wow so fun, this totally doesn't Entirely Defeat A Bunch Of Peoples' Reasons To Live. SO NOW WHAT?? by people actually trying to do the right thing, either we can never reach perfection/near-perfection which is bads because it means we will always suffer, OR we WILL reach that goal, everythin will be amazing and heavenly and THEN what? what do we do once we've reached peak? exactly. nothing. there will be nothing to do more. "play games," you say. but what is the point of playing games if we have no reason to compete but for the sake of competing? souns a lot like nonsense to me. "make art," but why? to comment on what? "well i want to improve," you say, gesturing towards a vague outline of a metaphysical concept of talent - but why? there's no point. in a perfect world there is no needf to do anyt of this. you can come up with hypotheticals like "ahhh well maybe we'll want to do it anyway!" but im sorry thats just copium considering we have no proof that's actually true
a life of sedation, the last thing left to do is either stand there blankly, or fall asleep forever... that's prtactically death.
so what is point.
as much as i try to lie to myself, i hate it all. i want it to all disappear. i wish i was born as someone without the ability to see through to the logical extent, to instead give up at some arbitrary point in the middle. but no. everything i once found beautiful is now empty, as if made of some universe-spanning transparent glass.
because anything i try to do is ultimately leading to humanity's goals of making the world near-perfect, which as i literally just said, is awful. heaven is awful and i don't want into it.
#351 - 2025/04/16
only image here but attached below is the drawing i'm currently doing, i'm thinking of ways to make these charas' casual outfits look more unique. and shape language. and im learning that you need to construct things out of boring boxes and thats ngenunely important -i f you do that wrong yo gotta erase a lot. which is really sad and greatly destroying my pre-existing artistic mindset. it's not like all my skills will disappear but damn if it's not painful. anyway here they are, even if it feels cringe to be like "omg here my OCs and my headcanons are that as a group they have kinda selfish-sounding songs but that's the appeal, and also cherry listens to the sarh song cuz shes sad (reference)" buyt hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uygh i dont want to be "cringe" even though its just a personal label i made up myself
#350 - 2025/04/16
i only create when i cannot "breathe" anymore
but when i'm happy, i'm not adjusted to that. when there's nothing deep, when it's already been all said....... yeah i don't know how to deal with that. ig it was already kinda implied from my previous messages here but this is kinda the ultimatum to get it down in a couple of sentences - simply: i don't know what it's like to live without suffering. my life has been defined by being in communities who only value art as an expression of a deep meaning, and all deep meaning inherintly comes from some sort of conflict or suffering. when i don't have that, i see it as bad. true edginess i know. but that's what i thought the meaning of life was, something like that
#349 - 2025/04/16
trying to write about a Gender ThingTM
trying to write about ANYthing
sickv and tired of number games
welcome to my tomodachi collection for the nintedo ds
#348 - 2025/04/16
anyway i did songwriting today so we have like 4/9 songs for this album. PEAK
anyway i think i have realised i just do not care as much about other peoples' medid as i do my own. i want other people to listen to me, but i don't particularly want to listen to other people. of courtse i won't hurt them, but i want to start the narcissspice arc now, byebye
also. considering feeding into gender accelarism by making niicespiice gender. the gender of which is Niicespiice. because none of the others fit. im just so cool that they named the gendewr after me ahahhah ahh ha if we get to the point that all people have an individual gender then it fails to be meaningful and thus gender CEASES TO EXIST!!! AHHAHAHAH! im gonna turn this into a bit because i'm so woke i go off the other end of the scale and become oppressive 🔥🔥 slash aych jay
#347 - 2025/04/15
Quote: "Those decisions are to some extent arbitrary. That doesn’t mean that the suffering associated with A.D.H.D. is imaginary"
Hmm I wonder what the fix for the "people who don't wanna bow down to the 9-to-5s and instead would rather actually behave in a reasonable way by managing their own time correctly and actually only looking into meaningful subjects instead of just following whatever the higher-ups want of you" is... I wonder... Perhaps it's the fault of the employ------- No no no, it's clearly a conundrum that cannot be solved within our lifetimes! Woe is me...
yeah, the article is still far too focused on the attitude of "adhd is an impairment" rather than actually trying to realise how adhd is just... personality traits? "oh no what do we do to help these impaired peolpe! how are we supposed to treat them" Have you ever thought that we don't need to be treated? That we are fine the way we are? because honestly htey're not impared, at least not naturally - YOU are the ones impairing them. and the article is mostly focusing on schoolchildren, again, yet another idea of a bygone (or actually shockingly just as relevant as ever, although outdated) system that is made to train people to be Good Little Factory Workers. because capitalism bad. and school is just a part of enforcing capitalism, because without school, people would suddenly be forced into the workplace at 18 and realise how obsurd it is, and commit riot. if you don't have school to ease them into it, they'll immediately see the obsurdity of what they're made to do, and refuse to do it. it would collapse what these people so desperately want to uphold. so, with that being said, nytさんーたち、learn to realise that and let them be free like humans are meant to be, pre-industrialisation, pre-large-scale-society. otherwise, we will eventually all die. Sorry *shrug emoji!*
also i have noticed i am shockingly charismatic and sigma :sunglasses emoji: :poggers emoji: :fortnite emoji: :mental illness emoji:
#346 - 2025/04/15
me when something goes marginely wrong: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#345 - 2025/04/15
#344 - 2025/04/15
#343 - 2025/04/15
#342 - 2025/04/15
NOT hating diversity as in like. what people usually mean by diversity.i what i mean by diverse here is like, diversity in personality, morality, and behaviour. i mean why must we have so many characters when usually one is just the best hmm? exaclty. (this is the narcissism arc coming in)
#341 - 2025/04/15
now, i don't really know anything about kagerou project as an overall media project, aside from that the characters have superpowers. now this might expllain something: what if the guy in the MV actually created the protagonist of the song. that's why he's so nice to her. because otherwise that would be inhumanly nice and that's impossible because she's so constantly angry towards people - ireckon what if he has the power to draw things to life and SHE was drawn to life by HIM and he made her like him as part of his design. which is super messed up but it's a random thing i thought about and now i can't get it out of my head.
also yes it is a "sunset song" partially because it does have sunset imagery at the end, but that's ONLY at the end. for the rest of the song, it still gives sunset vibes, despite not ending like that. but i really like the fact it ends without a true resolution - they just go back to how they always are, unable to say anything (or at least that's what i remember the plot was)? it's so peak. it's so despairing + depression spiral-codeed. peak peak peak
#340 - 2025/04/15
#339 - 2025/04/15
#338 - 2025/04/14
people go on about certain kinds of trauma but do people ever talk about MEDICAL TRAUMA??? OH FUN!!! i got forcibly injected (well i think it was a blood test) when i was like 4 or 5, and eyedropped when i was like 7 or 8. i also have been generally emotionally neglected when my grandmother was getting dementia, causing me to like straight-up spiral and semi-dissasociate but also panic and feel like the world was ending/nothing existed for like one straight week (the only time i've ever fallen asleep on a voice call was because i literally couldn't sleep without the reassurance of peoples' voices because i was so terrified and kept thinking about the degredation of human mind + for some reason randomly imagining my dead body in the dark for no reason) and my parents did nothing because "sowwy they were busy dealing with my grandma 😋😋 whoops" wow thank you for blatantly ignoring me sobbing and having a messed-up frantic vent-speech at a random dinnertime and giving me the Bare Minimum amount of support. also all my friends slowly falling out with me (the only friend group i ever really had) as i got older and started to develop pretty severe gender dysphoria and then become some sort of hermit with no reason to live, crashing out (i was 11 fyi) and trying to hold on by using like. mental health logging apps and chatting in discord servers sometimes - this is when i started to get into depressing japanese music to cope with it - and i'm still not quite sure why i was crashing out, but again. Thanks Negletcful Family. and then of course ever since then i've sorta been a "stay-in-my-room-hermit" futaba type of person, but also, my two biggest yter idols (as well as a band i liked) all just Dissappeared. the few people i found solace in. disappeared. thanks guys (i mean tbf one of them literally died but yk) and there has been no true replacement for them . i also technically, in-name, got my idea of being "youtube famous," my dreeam, but in like the worst way possible. i din't really get friends from it. so can you see why i do not like humanity in general? why i see no value in myself but also no value in others? wow what a shock! i never woulda thouight this would have happened! also the whole GCSEs thing and my dad having some sort of anger issues and then essentially offloading it onto me and being like "so im not allowed to express my fustrations anymore hmMMMMM?" and my answer to that is No. because you suck and are being selfish. not like i'm any better but Whatever. and my mum, despite me LIKE A DOZEN TIMES calling this out, still being a pushover and not really doing anything. she says "well what CAN i do, he's working on it" but he's not working hard enough on it. neither of them are. like how i said i wanted to meet our neighbours? get an ethernet cable? it's been 7 months in this house and we STILL. HAVEn'T. DONE. IT. Because guess what? They are all incapable of doing literally anything and always make up dumb excuses to continue to rot away. They are in their fifties. I have to break the cycle but how can I? What am I supposed to do? If I do what I really want, what I really say, will things really become better? I would block like 90% of people and become alone again. I would stil be just as unable to find anyone I actually like. Nothing measurably would change. So what's the point? I am ultimately helpless. This is why my anxiety response is just "wait for the problem to go away and don't do naything." Because it's all I *CAN* do. There IS no other option because let's be fr here - everyone else has a broken moral compass and severe lack of logic. they just accept whatever the society they're in says, and don't challenge it because "eRm ThAtS bAD." the most people can do to think outside the box is to expand the ideas that already exist. they are unable to tear anything down. i think this is why political extremism appeals to me, because at least its doing SOMETHING. but still, all this theorising, ultimately it means nothing. i am unable to meaningfully do anything, as i always write about, because there IS nobody who actually agrees with me on this stuff, so why even try anymore
sometimse i think i'm messed up "for no reason" because it's not the typical reasons for being traumatised but i think these are probably reasonable things to have been irreperably damaged by. Autism ThingsTM
#337 - 2025/04/14
alone, i wil... uhjh.... (looiking for a rhyme) remain :thumbs up emoji:
i lie about who i am, but expressing my true self is actively dangerous because everyone hates me. not even in a "im trans i am adiscriminated minority group member" way but like. in a "i hate you, and your ideologies" way. so yeah rightfully so they don't like me. now what? i can't die, but i also can't live like this. what am i meant to do
at times like this i am reminded of 死にたくないでも生きられない、だから、歌を書いていた。(yorushika)
sometimes i think "i hate all of this, i willl just become a hermit" but how does that help At All. i'm already basically a hermit. maybe i could go off of social media entirely, EXCEPT for posting stuff myself? ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (cuz of all the drama) ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (like including discord servesr) ehhhhhhhhhh (because this is just escapism but REALLY bad escapism because arguably the "escape" is even worse than the actual real life)
#336 - 2025/04/14
shut up
#335 - 2025/04/14
#334 - 2025/04/14
#333 - 2025/04/14
i also REALLY REALLY need to change this site's URL somehow so my dad can't look at it anymore, because idk if he's checked it since like MONTHS ago but.... i want to add the diarybox to the navbar but i DO NOT want him clicking on it. in fact i don't want him clicking on the poetry thing either but at least that's SLIGHLTLY less raw yk. so i put it on the navbar with a s tupid warning at the top. not sure if im gonna change the site url - definitely won't do it in the next few days - but maybe i should just force him to unbookmark it or smth. hhdshfhdhfhs severe anxiety fun!!! pls help pls help pls
#332 - 2025/04/14
#331 - 2025/04/14
#330 - 2025/04/14
but then again, that makes me just as bad as the people i'm criticising. and once again, the world explodes from contradictions.
#329 - 2025/04/14
and because of that, i hurt others, and hate myself
#328 - 2025/04/14
#327 - 2025/04/14
#326 - 2025/04/14
#325 - 2025/04/13
#324 - 2025/04/13
Anything.
From a sticker used to adorn a notebook, to a palace decorated with a thousand gold plates.
Why do we whittle away our limited time on this Earth making... any of them?
Now, I'm not stuck-up enough to know how to write an entire properly-structured essay about this, so I'll keep it brief.
Even since I was young, it was just wsomething that was part of me. Before I knew what "fanfiction" even meant, I was writing it. It was just "who I was." And I was praised for it.
It was what made me special. Perhaps, above other people. Above the "unthinking crowd" that was rumoured to exist.
I supposedly had a happy childhood, but I don't know now - humans don't retain their memories for very long after all - but I think from the very point I was born, I was "cursed."
Not with some kind of supernatural affliction that causes bad things to befall upon me, no, a different kind of curse entirely;
A curse of the heart.
A curse that, once afflicted, will rot the core of every semblance of meaning in this world.
A curse that, once afflicted, will burn even your memories.
"Emptiness."
That is the curse I have been afflicted with.
As I remember those months - no, years? - I spent, unable to fall asleep on my own, for this sensation I for a lack of a better word described as a "hole in my stomach," the sickness was building its roots into that afforementioned heart of mine.
Somehow, due to a stroke of luck, that feeling went away.
Even now, it sometimes loosens its grip on me.
But it always comes back.
Always.
Those oasies of happy memories, childish things I should no longer cling onto, I look back at them. "Those were the days."
Despite knowing they're gone now, I am unable to make new memories of the same calibur.
Perhaps the reason they seem so good now is because I've forgotten what made them just as empty as the present.
I've always wanted to make something.
To be renound for something.
But what's the point of that when all I'm doing is grasping at straws?
Making up a "meaning" to tell to others, forging one that's somehow unique when it's really not, selling it, and profiting?
That's what we all want.
To be loved.
To be aknowledged.
We are not too dissimilar, you and me.
We're both horribly selfish people who can only see others for what they give and take.
Otherwise, we would love the entire world at the same time - and no single human can hold that much love in their heart.
Therefore, they pick and choose about who they love and hate.
They say it all the time on TV - "A friend to everyone is a friend to no-one."
"Someone who loves no-one is a sociopath."
"Sociopath equals bad."
Ah. I see.
I was cursed this way.
And therefore, this story ends incomplete.
Because a life is never complete.
It just ends.
To me, it's all meaningless.
What do we do next?
I don't know.
And so, I sit here, waiting for another streak of good luck to save me from having to think about it anymore.
#323 - 2025/04/13
#322 - 2025/04/13
#321 - 2025/04/13
#320 - 2025/04/13
#319 - 2025/04/13
but... it's tantamount to death.
i know that already... i know.
i wonder if this is all happening because i'm not on setraline anymore
#318 - 2025/04/13
#317 - 2025/04/13
#316 - 2025/04/13
How can I go back to before I cared so much?
Maybe I only care because it's gone now. Back before it was lost, it most certainly wasn't as important to me... Yeah, I think that's right
#315 - 2025/04/12
#314 - 2025/04/12
#313 - 2025/04/12
#312 - 2025/04/12
#311 - 2025/04/11
#310 - 2025/04/11
#309 - 2025/04/10
#308 - 2025/04/10
#307 - 2025/04/10
p.s. if anyone reading this has not seen mygo then at the very least watch the first episode here (the third episode is the best episode btw)
#306 - 2025/04/10
what a stupid, pathetic-sounding dream i have. i hope i can one day........... i don't understand, yet i yearn for it nonetheless
#305 - 2025/04/10
As I etch my inevitable and unchanging dreams into the stones of time, I pray: "I will become a Minecraft YouTuber."
#304 - 2025/04/09
also i realised my response to stress is Freeze. basically if something bad happens, i've been conditioned to know that doing nothing is my only option - struggling does nothing. so i freeze, unable to say anything. i think this also ties into my occasional nonverbalism? and my dad gets mad at it, when i don't immediately use English Language to say what he wants to hear. when i type it like that though, he sounds reasonable. it's not reasonable. he's impatient, yet a perfectionist - essentially, just selfish. and of course that makes the anxiety worse which compounds my nonverbalness jdjsdfjsdjfjsdf. i don't really like speaking, especcially not in english to my parents, bnecause it feels like things are either too loud or too quiet, or not enough. this is why i prefer not using words. but they don't seem to understand. my mother just sorta... ignores it and can't interperit it, and my dad goes "use words broski" (but in a less funny way). it's annoying
also, i can't make eye contact with most people. even if they supposedly respect me, i just.. can't stand to see eye to eye. it's like i'm worried i'll reveal some kind of "deep secret." i don't want people to percieve me or notice me, but at the same time, i can't stand to be ignored. i suppose the real reason is probably that i do want to be percieved, but i just don't want to be made fun of like i always am - i mean, remember when i said about "my nationality is a joke?" it's like that. anything i do, someone will find some way to undermine it. i think this is why i find uika, if the theme of avemujica really is "unconditional vs conditional love," to be such a compelling character concept. someone who is "disgusting," at least in the eyes of society, yet is entirely serving of others. yet if you go too far to be serving of others, it's considered "obsession." to the point that everyone looks away and calls her disgusting. it's conditional love. no matter what she does, she will never be loved. the only solution to this world of "punishing the bad" and "praising the good" is to simply break it and love everyone regardless - the true correct interpritation of umineko. unfortunately, nobody else understands this, and that's why i hate umineko #epic.
#303 - 2025/04/09
on another note, band got 1 song done and started another~ still nto entirely sure about the point of all of this though. it should be fun but,..... it's ultimately pointless. fiction for the sake of fiction. fiction only has meaning because it comments on real-life scenarios that are bad, it critiques. but if the world was perfect like we all want it to be, there would be no point of fiction anymore at all.... and then everyone would be sad. so the world should stay bad, so we can keep making fiction commenting on it, without really changing anything?
i hate my existentialism bro, i just wish i could turn my brain off
#302 - 2025/04/08
#302 - 2025/04/08
#301 - 2025/04/07
on another note, that might have been one of the best youtube videos i've ever watched that might have been one of the best youtube videos i've ever watched https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qjwEigkzt0
but what is it i want to do? i think it's been obvious all along
overly produced "real-life-becomes-fiction"-type videos. like livestream things that i slightlyyyy script to add surprises and then produce in post with like music and art and animatino stuff. i guess that's my "dream" but i'm still confused because like. of the whole "life is meaningless" stuff
essentially: i wish i could make a minecraft musical livestream multimedia project, but what would it be about? my hope is that the other people could help make it more meaningful, but... how would i find people that good? it's impossible, so i give up, much like i did in all the years before. four years of failure
#300 - 2025/04/07
#299 - 2025/04/07
Gone.
#298 - 2025/04/07
"problematic" is such a vague word. problematic literally just means "it has problems." ok and? yes i am problematic beacuse i have problems :sob: maybe you should help make them better?
#297 - 2025/04/07
guys dont process your trauma its too much work just join my minecraft server that doesnt really exist. its shrimple really /hj. my whole dream rn is to make fiction-reality streamer hybrid super successful create a haven in a world of chaos that you can always tune into and there's something there. even if it's a lie, it won't look like a lie, or maybe it's not a lie at all. people who share that dream with me.. i will collect them and force them to join my minecraft server cult lets go
being anti-therapy is such an interesting position to have, i suppose.
it is also an interesting position to have a DNI list. as if society can change without actually being able to talk through the issues and reach the truth. yes this sounds cringey and as much asi don't want to admit it, i think it's true. people need some kind of conflict. yikes ig that we need to be Meaningfully Challenged and the only way humanity will change is by sufferingf, so no matter how many good things we try to do, it'll always be better if we just let ourselves suffer instead? nah not that again
#296 - 2025/04/06
shishamo keeps bringing back the summer 2021 memories
i had a discssion with juniper (streamer friend) a few days ago about the idea of like. dream-smp-adjacent dreams (dreams as in like, life goals). i have always wanted to make a world that borders between fiction and reality. it's entertaining, because it feels real, because it partially is real. i want people to be able to make themselves feel those things like they are the fictional characters, yet always come back again and again, because it's "content" or smth. method acting livestreaming i suppose? that's whjat i've always wanted since those nostalgic memories in 2021, and yet it hasn't come true. will it come true soon, perhaps?
shishamo always reminding me of those memories bny accident. i guess it's just the warm guitar. it just feels like summer. i ahve ben "warming up" to that season too this month, perhaps because i realise i can use a fan, and my gender dysphoria arc is over, and also because i kinda like our back garden now we've moved house? it's really nice to sit there and zone out. it feels like i'm a tv show, but perhaps i just say that because the only thing i associate happiness with IS fiction exclusively. yk i was gona say だけ instead of exclusively at the end of the sentence. ahhh the perils of being bilingual(?). actually i dont think its valid for me to say im "bilingual" at least not yet, but my jp comprehension ahs improved a lot. i have a chance of actually getting to the "fluent before 18" prophecy that someone made when i was like 14 in a japanese learning discord server class thing. it's p;ossible. because they said i was so young it was still possible and i think it could be. top 10 epic age moments (i love abusing the aging system to my own advantage. if it exists, exploit it, exploit it until it breaks /hj)
one of my friends has a weird friend who got annoyed at me once for ummm... calling a fictional character what it was? i complain about people not understanding the point of media and then i don't understand it myself. but just lemme complain okay. it was stupid. i won't explain much deper but l;ike it was a very stupid reaction because yes i probably triggered them but... if that;'s their trigger then why is their comfort character this CLEARLY DODGY character who is probably meant to portray the concept of loneliness causing stalkerlike behaviour? and then when i tell them what it is, they're like "omg i can't believe it.." like i'm sorry but you're not a "real fan" if that's what you think, right? because to actually be a fan, you need to actually engage with the actual themes bro... like uika, i defend her KNOWING that what she's doing is (censored for spoliers). i'm not gonna get mad because they mention what it's clearly meant to be..? that makes me mad and i can't stand it when my friend brings them up because i guess i feel like....... guiltyi suppose, that i upset them/ so i try to jkustify it with this deeplogic but in reality im just sad i upset them but too stubborn to apologise. yeah im that kind of person. ultimately i'm just a pathetic child and it's kind of cute. it's kind of optimistic. i'm still a human who, for some reason, likes other humans.
also 4:10am! 410 is my birthday! sigma epic poggers gaming skibidi pmo lmao koolio!!!! wat
#295 - 2025/04/06
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#291 - 2025/04/05
ok i did it i did say something. it's always more fun to say things even if it ends up huryting people ig... hopefully nothign bad will hapopoen
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#280 - 2025/04/01
and while in my opinion it's dumb to want to kill yourself on a logical level, i completely understand feeling that emotionally. that's how i got on this train of thought in the first place - people tell you "stand up strong anyway" but who are those people? no thanks, i'll take my own word - my own word being stand up strong and break the rules. hurt others via a technicality if you have to, because it's your only choice. that is the only courage we can have, because if all you do is hurt us, we will have to hurt you back. even if it's invisible hurt like COUGHT COUGH the education-medical-legal paradigm comes back to strike for the 18th time!!! like guys. "oh no only certain kinds of discimination are discrimination" the entire concept of discrimination, the arbitrary gorups we are assign, it's just the winning side of history that gets to decide. children are not considered a discriminated group even though i 100% believe that. whatever is considered a "minority group" is just whatever the speaker wants to say. there is no underlying truth to this. dont say "minority groups have to stand together" if all you include is the status quo. again, you are just as bad as the others. all you wish is for us to be integrated, to be considered "normal." stop begging. all you're doing is begging to the people who have abused you your whole life. i think that might be why it bothers me when people go "oh just suck it up and study" to oithers, and i can't stand it when people do that. like... even if it's techncally not that much timesink, i won't stand for it. i won't stand to give in to the people that hurt me, and be excpected to do that "if it's the only way." if it's the only way, then i'll just make another way. because i'm certain there is another one. even if i end up dying in the process, i will stand up strong, not because you say it, but because it's my only option. i have no other choice BUT to live (this is the theme of The Trio Project if you can't tell already)
#279 - 2025/04/01
#278 - 2025/04/01
no, the answer is that i will never be free, and i know that already. i'm afraid to do it, but i only have one true option i've been avoiding all along: i have to do my best to bend the rules while i still can
#277 - 2025/04/01
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#274 - 2025/04/01
one day the truth will somehow accidentally come through, probably via linking this website and then someone reading too far and realising that i'm talking about them ohiasdiuoasioudnasoiud lol
i actually do make peak poetry tho
"can't hold on or life won't change," i cling to that message and yet do nothing about it, because i'm still holding on, hoping life will change
#273 - 2025/04/01
addendum: this is because of me being attached to someone who just sees me as "another friend," and for me they're like. the only person i truly care about. Fun! and that any actions on this would be considerd "bad" by the fandom - the fandom of real life being uhhhh... other normal people
#272 - 2025/04/01
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#268 - 2025/04/01
also i think i lost my favourite glove somehow, so i'm wearing a worse thickerglove rn (i use the gloves to stopmyself from biting my nails/skin even more)..
#267 - 2025/03/31
talke to my mother, she didn't really say much
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#263 - 2025/03/29
what's nice is that i have, theoretically, all of today to play splatoon. time is long. so much can be done in an hour. and yet, i would prefer to switch off my brain and listen to someone else's youtube video. yeah. that's stupid. i'm not gonna listen to some yter that i find annoying and hate. i'm just going to let my own thoughts go wild. it somehow feels unproductive, to not indulge in that addiction, which is why i go back to the addiction - but honestly it's kind of dumb considering i only really like one (1) yter anymore. and they barely have any videos. he's just A Dude
#262 - 2025/03/28
yesterday, one of my friends criticised the usage of color filters in art. which is annoying considering i only just found out how AMAZING they are????? how is it a bad thing. like they make my art doubly as pretty on the eyes suddenly, with barely any effort. how is that a bad thing? idk, it just seems upsetting to criticise it, but i can't help but have my morals shaken by it. even though it's a relitively unfounded belief.
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#257 - 2025/03/27
Edit: it's weird that the people who are the most about "self expression" and "inclusion" are also fine with copyright which is basically an infringement on free speech as far as i see it
#256 - 2025/03/27
also once again i find myself without any youtube background noise because GUESS WHAT. i once again found out i hate all the youtubers ive ever seen. sdoijfsdfosdfoisd who do i even like at this point? idk the people i imagined i guess. maybe one or two people? hmm
#255 - 2025/03/27
,br>
it's so annoying i think ivce internal;ised this capitalism grindset social thgnihnnh THING. i blame my mother idk. but i think NOT SLEEPING is better than her waking me up and freaking me ouit. its so horrible, she always somehow manages to instill a sense of anxiety into me. probalby because shes always so anxious all the time... and then i use that some kind of lame excuse, because she does it too. she goes "oh.. its probably because im anxious too.." and guess what she does about it? NOTHING! SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPP GET OUT OF MY GET GOUT OF MY HEAD OHIJAOSDASDAOSDOASDO ajdahdhadh
#254 - 2025/03/27
i hope someone agrees and i don't get violently bullied
#253 - 2025/03/27
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#250 - 2025/03/27
thinking about it more, i think it's pretty obvious 2022-2024 was THE worst point of my life. which i think is like. me being 13-15 years old? i justs... isolation. i technically made friends during this era but it wasn't enough, it didn't feel right. i don't think anything's changed now aside from the fact i'm going to college soon
#249 - 2025/03/27
#248 - 2025/03/27
i feel like the law might exist to protect others against people like me. people who feel so insecure that they feel they must control others. people who, for some reason, realised the pointlessness of life and of taboo and choose to spend our lives breaking it, hurting others.
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#229 - 2025/03/23
i really should add a poetry page shouldnt it
#228 - 2025/03/23
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#226 - 2025/03/23
nobody's ever said they like my flaws. it's always "i like you in spite of your flaws." as if the flaws aren't part of me too. if you can't love that, then surely you don't like me
my life, everytjign about me, always has this strange undercurrent of loneliness. even right now, writing this, i feel alone. even while talking to someone else... they're distant. why is that? why must i be tomori?
and that's what these songs like "Dakara Boku wa Ongaku o Yameta" trigger in me. that sense of profound, bizarre loneliness, of not being fully human. like a part of you was removed and replaced with a depressed artist personality.
tomori is scared of things breakibng before they've already broken she's sooo me
#225 - 2025/03/23
#224 - 2025/03/23
can't hold on or life won't change
ok this is really spiteful and personal but. i hate how pretentious a lot of english vocaloid songs are. they are like. i don't know how to explain it but like the kind of people who put "dni proshippers" on their twitter profiles. like a lot of ghost, circus, and flavor foley's work is' just like... trying too hard for metaphors or to be meaningful but it's just cringey. and i'm not even sure why, it's just... eesh. it's not even self-indulgent it's just. ok look
[ That morning, just me and you
With azure views for two ]
it's so redundant. it's trying to be poetic but it's just... "just me and you" ALREADY doesn't need to state "FOR TWO" because it already said "JUST ME AND YOU." it's SO irritating. like it's trying to be so profound but it's just wasting space. it doesn't really say anything. and the fact these songs get universal acclaim despite their meaning being completely ruined by these authors who don't know how to properly put their feelings to paper? UGH HU HIJUIHU G IHU. the weather symbolism that's messy. it doesn't have a cohesive meaning it's just, "oh i wanna write a sad poetric song about unrequited love" it's like. ojikedijoawwdijoawd can you actually put more effort in? to actually make it coherent? like "if i live to be a weathervane" ??? what does any of this mean?? maybe i'm just too uneducated to understand, but i don't think that's the problem.. the problem is that it's illogical. it's like a mystery that doesn't add up. the point of vague song lyrics is to make them like a mystery you can put together the themes of. these bad english vcocaloid songs? they feed you the message on the most surface level, and that's it. because the entire message is obvious and overly repeated. i know i'm guilty of the same thing, but that's in my more unrefined writing. i dont claim them to be good, like 90% of the commenters do
#223 - 2025/03/23
feeling of left behind despite not being left behind. pls respond to my messages ihusijofsdijoufijosdf
#222 - 2025/03/23
i still feel like... anyone that feels evcen remotely close to me is guaranteed to disappear soon. it's um. idk why. i guess it's bad experiences, right? this is why i relate to takamatsu tomori so much. she is abandoned and expects it to happen again, so she doesn't do anything about it. she just.. gives up and wonders where she went wrong, hiding away once more. it's so ojidsijoudsaijodsajkadsjioadsijo i've struggled with loneliness for perhaps my own life, even though i don't have some sort of tragic backstory. i just seem to be that way. with attachment issues. everyone i've ever loved has kinda just... moved away? either literally like they distanced themself from me, or they changed into a different person i don't like anymore. it's unfortunate
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#217 - 2025/03/22
i rewatching mygo with my friend
#216 - 2025/03/21
on another note, i am going to become radicalised against neurotypical people, and form a facist state that oppresses them!!!! food for thought! 😇
i'm glad uisaki has a small selection of people who geniunely think they deserve happiness together, even if it's unfortunately very unlikely in canon. maybe over time in garupa...? (coping)
#215 - 2025/03/21
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#212 - 2025/03/21
i really do like how sakiko likes uika FOR her darkness, not in spite of it. that's genuinely really beautiful if they meant it that way. i really want to cosplay sakiko and someone can cosplay uika with me and we can go to places together irl 🥺🥺
#211 - 2025/03/21
honestly i wrote a full plan for a bunbch of bluerevo just off the top of my head in a random discord message, i should probably go to that and start writing.. hm
#210 - 2025/03/21
#209 - 2025/03/20
starting to have the guilt come back though. because i'm remembering how i crashed out like what, 2 days ago? ONE day ago??? like the entire world is over? i've lost everything and havew nothing to live for? it's weird
anyway i feel like ep12 is underwhelming because like. the plotholes. it doesn't really feel like it comes "along" with the viewer, it doesn't take them together into a world of joy and saving them
this is one again proof that My Game Is Better. teehee.
#208 - 2025/03/20
conclusion rn: a little bit too fluffy, re-watches and seinereading might help me a bit, we'll see. still want to cosplay sakiko though. still want to draw better. i feel very torn about ths. am i still good enough? my skill... it will be crushed upon the weight of no quickshape...
#207 - 2025/03/20
i was gonna wait for "the right moment" to watch the avemujica episode 12 but hopnestly thatll never exist, so ill just process it here and now. lets wtach at 2:48am as i mentally collapse (im literally shaking rn) and then despite everything still have to wake up at 7am. no matter what, every day is a normal day after all. ahh my heart is racing ive been anticipating this. i just want uisaki to have a happy end. and i also want my drawing tablet to actually OIUAWDIOUAWDIOUAWD clip studio is kinda hard to use because im struggling to aim somehow. im used to making very fine movements with my mouse so this is just weird. I don't like how I can't use QuickShape like in procreate and it's all... it's so hard to get clean lineart... oiueiuoeofoiwiouef take me baaack. although tbf even on procreate i've been zooming in a lot so idk
OMG OMG OK SO SHE... WE MIGHT GET UISAKI HAPPY ENDING OMG IM GOING TO BE SO HAPPY AND SO VALIDATED AND. ILOVE THIS WRITER AND LIKE. THEY LOVE ME AND LIKE. EMPATHY AND. OH MY GOD AND. MY LIFE IS SO BACK ON TRACK CUZ I MADE UP WITH MY FRIWND AND THE. THEYRE PLAYING THE ANIME ENDING IN THE OPENING LIKE WTH? AND ALSO IM SO GONNA COSPLAY SAKIKO WHEN I GET THE MONEY AND. MAYBE DRAW MORE ART OF HER IDK. ILL IMPORT STUFF FROM MY IPAD AND NOT WORRY ABOUT PERFECTION BAECAUSE LIKE. SAKIKO IS SO. IUHASWDIHUASDIHASDHU SHES SO BEAUTIFUL BUT SUCH A SAD CHARACTER AND. JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ SHE DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER ok maybe i should stop freaking out after One Minute. it's ok guys. i will just draw/cosplay/be her from here on out. even when the anime is over and .... ugh there's ONE EPISODE left okay just lemme continue with ep12 for ouiDIOYDIOUNDOIUDOIU
ok so like. its bandori theyre not gonna make it be a toxic, mean, "uika is evil and they are doomed together" ending like. that sucks. its gonna actually be resolved isnt it. ITS GONNA BE RESOLVED AND. omg just thinkjing about that it's like. they're accepting me and my obsessions. i am "valid" and "correct" and "human." just aknowledging that, its like... dudoiudoudouuoiaoidu if it's real but also. im still on the intro and. i love the burning effect it's like "throwing everything we had away." i hope it's not a sign of bad things to come like "throwing OUR SANITY away" because damn that would suck. i think it's cooler to invisige the fire as "throwing your past chains away." don't be afraid. jsut like amoris is not afraid of love, mortis is not afraid of death, etc etc. we are not afraid of forgetting (oblivionis) and we burn it all away, all those fears, let them be set ablaze and disappear into ashes. i think?
#206 - 2025/03/19
i also hate that i'm unable to be "one of you" guys anymore. i used to empathise with You but i've fallen out of sync to the point of being scared. and i don't know.. i don't know what's wrong with it, but i know there's certainly something wrong with it.. i've become a bigot to people like you because i am unable to understand. i now feel actively threatended and like. ugghhhhhhhhhhh i feel bnad but also like. why do you people act this way. go away and just become like me.
uika behaviour up there ^
#205 - 2025/03/18
#204 - 2025/03/18
the deeper i dig, the more i realise the show isn't building to uisaki. because it's so foreshadowed that this show is dark and going down a "everyone is binded together and won't get better." which i hate. because the clear win condition is like... saki loving uika? because uisaki isn't onesided because uhhhh concert clips i guess. so why are we criticising uika? because saki's uncomfortable? ig, but i just can't sympathise at this point because i'm blinded by loneliness/hate. i'm so like. bpd-coded and it's annoying because im' both complainign about the concpt of mentall illness ANd giving it rights. like. why am i giving the illness rights. we should be giving the rights to ggay people or something idk. anyway like im so unstable and its like everyone angers me and then theyre cool ig, because theyre all i have. i look at photos of my friends doing things with eachother, when they didnt tell me, and its like damn. why couldnt i be the one. why does it have to be someone else. why are you guys suddenly all doing things and im just... alone in this fake pretense world. why didnt you ask me? is it because you dont care? i mean, im sure that even if i asked to spend time with you, it wouldnt be fun, because its fake. i want them to genuinely envy me, or maybe not envy btu perhaps be obsessed. because i want the uika in my life but i am also uika. i want double obsession. idk how that's supposedlyl "toxic." like hating too many things is considered bad, but liking things too muych is considered bad too. pick a side broskis. why are we not allowed to be enamored with people. am i stupid and young? damn this is the uika self-hating thing too as well like uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh i hate this stupid fandom and this stupid show that hates their own stupid characters. unless they DO make her sympathetic. in which case i will isolate myself from the fandom and draw uisaki for 55 years and buy the plushes and cosplay them and play killkiss on piano. thanks guys heart emoji. niicespiice out
#203 - 2025/03/18
I find that very interesting, kind of enlightening
Perhaps I shouuld not waste my love on those who do not wish to be appreciated
#202 - 2025/03/18
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#199 - 2025/03/17
niicespiice: OUT! *does an epic peace/salute sign thing*
#198 - 2025/03/17
#197 - 2025/03/17
i'm sure if even asuka can be accepted and validitated, in their seemingly "causeless" pain... if even that can be valid, then i think a fortiori, we are all valid. we should stop fighting over which pain is "real or not" because one person is privelaged over another. all pains are equal. one does not become excusable simply because "they caused it themself" or "they are selfish" or "they are X category which is more privelaged." they are still all, ultimately, equal. and if we understand that, and still decide to live and move forwards knowing that, we become "free." now this logic makes no sense but something something narrative. it works enough. my main message i'm trying to say rn is about the idea of "everyone is equal," and even the people who say that tend to be lying, so we need to break through that and GENUINELY mean it. stop playing sides. even the "villains" are equal. can't you see that? that's the most important message of all that i have to say
#196 - 2025/03/16
i don't give asuka a "real reason" for being broken. and that is the POINT. i will PLAY INTO the concept of "nothing bad happened to me, i was perfectly normal, and yet i am still empty, and eventually grew distant and became hated after one incident." it's as if they were born with some sort of curse - a curse that made them constantly strive for more, and as they strived for it causing The Revolution of Asuka, it all came crumbling down. they were blamed for everything, because they incited the revolution ending in tragedy. so now, ironically, they do truly have a reason to be a Depressed Sad Little Guy. because everyone hates them. but it was entirely their doing. trying to feel whole, to save someone, to save themself, everyone turned on them and called it "wrong."
but asuka did no wrong. and that is the point. they are just edgy and sad for no apparent reason. and that is appealing to me. THAT will be the point of this character. it sounds illogical but screw the "laws of writing" because this is a better theme/concept. it's an actual expression of the self. also genuinely make miyuki annoiyng. it's probably fine. to highlight the perspective of asuka hating everyone.
also i think asuka should be given lines like "I don't have any reason to be this way. It was like I was born with a curse over my head, a knife to my neck, ready to slit my throat if I mispoke. And yet, the knife was my own imagination. So... why?" this could be read into as self-loathing ig, again uika, this character has rotted my mind
#195 - 2025/03/16
well, it'll be interesting anyway, so let's do it. let asuka sob and be hated and only be saved by a temporary attachment. even if it's temporary, they have to hope for it. they will break the cycle. even if again and again they fall for the temporary, if they don't even try, nothing will ever happen. keep on moving, even if it's insane, you know? because the only glimpses of "light" to me are... well.. i just naturally pick myself up for a short amount of time. it's really weird. i'm overly affected by the feelings of being unloved, or the fears of it, maybe i had some kind of instability that triggered this issue? so now i'm really sensitive to percieving myself being unloved? i guess that would make sense
i don't believe in unconditional love, after all
#194 - 2025/03/16
but then on the flip side, all of this, i only think this way because i'm seperating myself from the rest of humanity. i'm LETTING it affect me. i let the discourse and despair affect me and i call that "a mental illness."
or more accurately, i don't want to accept i'm mentally ill. we're back here again. it really reads like i have bpd, don't i? i have been considering this for a while, and uika has been the nail in the coffin here. but then again, it really is just made-up labels... damn it, i hope i can just throw away this despair as yet another fiction. one day - but until then, i'll rot in the balance or something like that. ahi made it sound like a joke again~ whoops
#193 - 2025/03/16
forgive me forgive me forgive me, for becoming an uika sympathiser/relater, and wanting to believe, but being unable to
i thought that loneliness would fuel my writing, but all it does is makes it angry. i need to figure out what the "ideal outcome" would be to actually make the writing successful. when i say writing here, i am specifically talking about bluerevo, my beloved
i can't stop making people hate me and it's infuriating, swinging between melancholy and joy, why..? is this what they call "bpd?" this is stupid, people should be nicer to me, instead of calling it an illness..
#192 - 2025/03/16
#191 - 2025/03/15
also trying to get a new friend into bandori. they said they "like how they introduce tomori by collecting rocks, very much saying she is autistic" or smth like that. it was funnier in their concise words ok
i actually procrastinated a lot on buying the tablet and CSP, even though i had no reason to doubt my decision. i just... didn't want to do it. so i spent like an hour, doing other stuff to pass the time, because i was afraid something would go wrong. it's weird. i have this indecisive personality, which is basically the main part of my character asuka. talks big but is ultimately unable to do anything - a hypocrite, afraid of being left behind for being inferior once again. they acted back then to the point of making everyone hate them... they mustered up so much strength to do something, but when they did, it all came crumbling down. it's time for the abandonment issues!
#190 - 2025/03/15
#189 - 2025/03/13
and thinking about schools, it bothers me how the word "homeschool" has become dilhouted by online school during 2020-2021. no guys. thats not "homeschool." that's.... doing school at home. it's online school. that is EXTREMELY differnt to being outside of the school system entirely. in fact, the label "homeschool" itself is entirely misleading too - most people seem to get wild misconceptions of it, thinking that being homeschooled is like... you do studying and stuff. no. you fundamentally misunderstand the counterculture points that a lot of people are doing - i say "a lot" because i do think there are people doing it just to stop their kids from seeing wOkE sChOoLs and trying to make them religious and sheltered, but i think the overall concept of "not going to school" is based, and it's utterly obsurd that the landscape we live in is... "do the system or dumb. even if i criticise capitalism, if you didn't have a capitalism life, you are DUMB and UNEDUCATED and erm GO TO SCHOOL IDIOT LELELELEL." like... do you people not see the hypocrisy in your own words?
whatever this isnt even that important anyway. im gonna go back to drawing and maaaaybe look up buying a drawing tablet because i'm close to affording it
i can't wait to get a job in the future, maybe i'll get a part-time one soon, but probalby not. in fact it might be until i'm like 23 to get a job, because i know law school takes longer than normal universities anyway. so hmm......... chat do we proper career or do we mcdonalds. truly a top 10 difficult choice of 2025 (it's not actually. the choice is extremely easy LOL)
#188 - 2025/03/13
edit: they are actually, i think?
#187 - 2025/03/13
honestly i still honestly genuinely rather become famous because its.. idk seems kinda fun. having fellow famous people in your circle, having fans who can enable your next insane plans... it just seems really fun. the world you're only asble to look up into as a child, but eventually just becomes your reality... thats so cool
#186 - 2025/03/13
#185 - 2025/03/12
#184 - 2025/03/12
just have a good idea and stick to it - shrug emoji
#183 - 2025/03/11
#182 - 2025/03/11
I have no deeper point to most of my points. I cannot make them into songs or poems, unfortunately, because I suppose I need a proper arc then. I can't be bothered for that. I am too static (I said, lying)
#181 - 2025/03/11
#180 - 2025/03/11
it's all so.. i can't get a proper conclusion here.... my points dissolve into thin air before my very eyes
i could release trash, but i've never liked that
i will never be able to save anyone if i just release anything
so i must first become perfect but UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE
#179 - 2025/03/11
#178 - 2025/03/11
however perhaps i should stop medicalising mysel;f and instead simply be a Kool Dude with a K because im so OK
#177 - 2025/03/11
but at any given time,. its like i can have 5 psychologies at once, all competing
i'm not saying i have DID or something, it's all strictly me. it's just my different parts of myself trying to say different things because i cant conclude. a song that never ends, it continues playing, to the point of irritation, but regardless getting stuck in my head. it's very catchy, you see, because it's been played for so long. the melodies overlap and start to become ear-piercing, but on their own, each one is coherant. it's weird. it's like i operate on a different plane of reality to others, because i have like 3 chains of thoughts going on at once. i thought this was an adhd thing, but it seems like the other adhd poeple dont understand. they dont have the 5 competing philosopheis at once, no, they just cant focus. broskis i cant focus and i ALSO have existentialism at the same time. get on my level ah hh h hmmmmm. its like i make those sarcastic jokes but then i dont commit to them because i put "hmm" after them. i am both the psychoanalysed and the psychoanalyser, trying to analyse my own self as i speak, and then analyse the analysis of myself, and then concluding it as "incomplete, must return to status quo."
i have this meta-level awareness of what i'm doing is dumb, and yet, i can't stop it
but ultimately i return to the status quo of "whatever," this backround level of perhaps mild apathby
before of course, i get a burst of determination to do something, of inspiratioon... but then i usually fail to do it, or grow tired of it, and give up again after presumably another rage crashout, and go back to the status quo. thanks. more crashout text to come later. i aint closing this tab now
i put the crashout here ok type later
#176 - 2025/03/11
therefore, i hate you all(?)
extremely short bursts of intense depressions, wishy-wasshiness, very odd, i';ve never "lost my grip on reality" but my emotional state is jsut really really really really wishywashy and it has been for a long time. but i dont think its a "being young" thing because i dont think the other people my age are like this at all, with all the "existentialism" and "egoism" and whatnot
nobody's ever said anything good about my website, that's weird, guilt
#175 - 2025/03/11
ok i chcked discord it was a break
its like the "delusions" and instincts tell me to be pessimistic, but the
th
my thoughts are being broken up by other thoughts. and thoughts of nothingness. in fact, it's as if the thoughts of nothingness are thoughts themself, interrupting me.
it's like the delusions and insticts tell me to be pessimistic, say pessimistic snappy remarks, but the other optimistic (also delusional) half feels bad about that. it's like, ideally, i would say all these pessimistic deep feelings and instincts to someone, and they would have optimistic counterpoints that comfort me. i say my pessimistic nonsense, bhut they don't believe me. but the thing is, all of my "friends" are depressed so i will jsut make them worse by being around them and being honest
bt then again i was just deriding the concept of "friends" in the first place so truly, what is bro yapping about
why ios humanity so fixa
my brain moves faster than words can explain. this is from soneone with like 120wpm btw
its not my tyuping speed, its my brain speed, my brain is like 3x ahead of the typing and it goes so fast and disappears, i cant hold onto it, genuinely this is probably why i get tipofthetongue syndroime
aw dangit i forgit it again. something about hhumanity being too fixated on friendships? because it is a bit arbitrary and primal idk
conclusion: i guess my feelings are real, even iif they are completely insane and deranged and should shut up! Good one, NiiceSpiice Neocities Diarybox.html!
#174 - 2025/03/11
this truly is the niicespiice crashout arc part five-hundred and fifty-one
#173 - 2025/03/10
#172 - 2025/03/10
even though scrolling through infinite discourse will never actually get me annywhere... thanks adhd... well, i guess it's just a part of my personality and what makes me so #alphawolf
#171 - 2025/03/10
#170 - 2025/03/10
also, why is this the only part of the site that i update? it makes me feel kinda bad, that the other stuff goes neglected, because i have no good ideas for it.
maybe i should update the video game sections with updates to my github repos at least... smth like that
and the poetry could maybe go on somewhere. idk. it feels like it should stay a little secret but hmm
at the very least, i should finally add my video scripts. i have also been thinking about somehow making my own video-hosting site, like Better YouTube, but i'm not sure how.
current items wishlist: drawing tablet, clip studio paint, NVME 2tb+ storage device, vr headset, new monitor, nintendo switch 2, maybe a flipphone to replace terrible modern mobile phones yikes, also to switch to linux mint but that's free so it doesn't count and it should not be on this list at all please delete it now please. PLEASE help my bank account guys istg
#169 - 2025/03/10
anyway something something live in moderation? nah
the /ref tone tag bothers me so much, and yet i constantly have the nagging urge to use it
i have learnt i can indeed write about positive stuff - it's "the light in the dark" kind of thing
i have also come to a conclusion with my friend about That Thing, that even though it might be the wrong thing to do for some people, the harm it will cause them is minimal and the benefit it will give us is enough to make it okay. those other people just have to deal with it, i guessS
i am turning this whole situation into a narrative because it has been dwelling on my mind a lot, or at least not LITERALLY a narrative, but the themes. the themes of morals, of one thing over another, and of obsession, and jealousy that your obsession isn't "yoiurs" anymore - that other people are making it un-niche and that you wanna gatekeep even though it's wrong
we might write it together. even though it's not perfect, it's been stuck in my mind as a concept, it's too cool and too much of a brainworm to NOT make it into an epic story. because it is genuinely "epic," bordering on insanity. honestly the phrase itself "bordering on insanity" is very cool. also why did i just say epic unironically? i hte my stupid epic games life
#168 - 2025/03/10
on another note, there are many things that i want to do. i wanna play like 5 games at the same time right now. help. is this what it feels like to "not be depresed?" all i had was a pale palette
#167 - 2025/03/07
i told someone about my opinions stated in #166, nothign really happened, it was just "whatever," like ignorement, somehow they either didn't process it or just don't care - either way, kinda lame
i have, however, realised ( a few days ago ) that humor CAN exist without putting other people down. you don't have to hurt one to raise up another, that's just what the existence of a "Competitive Market" tries to TRICK you into believing. but it's false. doing good work is always good work - it never takes away from someone else, aside from the money. but that's not our problem, it's the concept of money's problem. the existence of a "job market." the existence of a world where losing a job is a "bad thing" because everything revolves around money. theoretically, losing a job would be a good thing, because it means that activity is no longer needed, which means we have progressed. but somehow, we live in a world where apparently giving people busywork for the sake of money is a good thing. oh nmo this becamee another depressin writing again ugh
also, i am worried about You (x2, it's two people), even though i resent You (x1, one of you)
#166 - 2025/03/07
#165 - 2025/03/07
#164 - 2025/03/07
#163 - 2025/03/07
#162 - 2025/03/06
#161 - 2025/03/06
#160 - 2025/03/06
#159 - 2025/03/06
#158 - 2025/03/06
Elaboration: Because even if I'm not good, at least let met believe in the delusion, ykyk? People are far too quick to put me down, then push me back up, it's inconsistent. Just be consistent. Am I a genius or not? Make your mind up
#158 - 2025/03/06
#157 - 2025/03/06
they are existentially terrifying
does anyone know how to make them disappear? do i just need to become a less anxious person and make my life more stable? help
#156 - 2025/03/05
#155 - 2025/03/05
Because, in all honesty, I was not born inherintly nonbinary - nor is it particularly a thing I find fun to live as. I don't feel gender euphoria from being correctly gendered, I just feel slightly less cripplingly depressed than if I was called a woman instead.
Listen, I was forced into this because it's the best option of a bad bunch. That is all. And I don't understand when other trans people - people who SHOULD be in the same group as me - feel so happy, like they want to live because they have now "expressed their true self." Even though I'm everything like you guys, I'm nothing like you guys at all - In fact, in a somewhat twisted way, I feel resentment towards these people. Resentment towards these people who have the fluffy feeling of "self-love" over an idea I fundamentally do not grasp. In the fundamentally pointless and arbitrary system of gender assignment. How are you happy here? All you did was ticked a different box. You're still filing the same paperwork regardless, so how could you say you're "free" now? It seems limiting, perhaps even childish to me. Something I can't quite explain in words right now. Maybe it'll be something I can explain at a later time, if I even care anymore at that point.
Maybe I could have pretended to be happy with my gender. That's what I think, before remembering that I did. I was in - and AM in - so many trans communities where "being accepted for your gender" feels like the end-all-be-all to cure these guys' depression. When someone is invalidated, send a heart emoji and say you love them. When someone is validated, send a heart emoji and say "wow that's jolly good bruv."
Maybe, if I just keep staying in this environment, and pretend I like these people, pretend I understand them, maybe one day it would become true...? But I know that's not the case.
It's just the truth - I don't get on with most queer groups and/or activties, like pride events. Most likely because I feel no inherint pride for my identity - in fact, perhaps I feel the opposite. Resentment.
Resentment that I couldn't be like the others who skip about playfully, frollicking in the fields of their identities, somehow find joy in a fundamentally pointless and arbitrary system of gender assigment.
But that's not like me at all.
Because, Instead of feeling pride, all I feel is a mild contemptment for people who aren't similar to me. As if, "I am the baseline of acceptability, they are the exception." Like when people say "transitioning saved my life," that makes sense. It may have saved my life too. But to treat being trans as a naturally good thing, instead of a side effect of a broken world where you are forced to check a seperate box to be happy... Isn't that the real problem here? Being cis might have killed me, but being trans doesn't make me survive. It just brings me back to the baseline standard of "whatever, guess I'm a mildly depressed art guy" now.
That is all.
This, friends, is perhaps what I talk about when I say things like "mask off." That was truly a glimpse into my Dark And Twisted Mind. Come back tomorrow for another episode of the resentment theater, I suppose! I hope you don't grow to resent my speeches, or else I will run out of clout, and that would be very un-sigma!
#155 - 2025/03/05
people say "stop pretending and be yourself," but that's all well-and-good until you are *ACTUALLY* yourself, and you reveal your disagreements with almost everyone's morals, and they begin to hate you
if i lie, it's painful. but if i tell the truth, people will show that they're on a different wavelength than me. and they will begin to hate me
so either way, i can't really sustain relationships :person_shrugging:
even so, honestly is still better, because maybe one day someone will agree with me. maybe.
but i think this leads to me disliking most people or having arguments
for further context, i was talking about Her being selfish. i haven't explained who that is, nor do i particularly want to, because it makes me sound like a horrible person. and as we all know, i care more about appearances than doing what's actually right
#154 - 2025/03/05
#153 - 2025/03/04
i had a dream that was kind of based off of an old band thing i was in. the dream ended by someone saying a transphobic/sexist joke and i shouted into the mic but it was so loud that the speakers went BOOOOOOAUAUOAOAHOA and then the speakers are dying from feedback and we have to turn it off and now our show is ruined.
also i had a seperate dream(?) where i had a mutsumi bandori plush and i said "mutsumi" and she RESPONDED. maybe she was alive? or just an advanced machine? either way, that was so happy. i wish plushies were real
#152 - 2025/03/04
If I keep saying careless things like that, maybe one day they'll come true?
#151 - 2025/03/04
BUT WHAT ABOUT FUNNY SPLATOON VIDEO IDEA NUMBER FOUR-HUNDRED-AND-FORTY-EIGHT?
I have also been thinking - what if I was a boss of a video game? I feel like I would be a distorted mess of memories and paraphanalia of That Thing. We aren't explaining what "That Thing" is, because, quite frankly, I can't be bothered. Or more like, don't want the secret to get out, because personal information or something stupid.
#150 - 2025/03/04
#149 - 2025/03/04
But what will I think about instead, now? Why, the inevitability of death and how all things are merely a distraction from the end, of course! Ahahaha! Ahahaha! ...............Comedy.
#148 - 2025/03/03
and it makes me think, if i became a fan of this game, i would just say like "unbeatable fan" in my bio or something. but somehow that feels... not enough. it has to go deeper than just the word "fan." so many people have bios that list the fandoms they're in, and it makes me assume they're shallow, that all they can do is List Some Things They Thought Were Cool. but maybe those people genuinely feel deeply about them, and they are even able to voice how deeply they feel? i assumed they didn't really GET the media they're listing, but maybe they do, maybe they understand, and i was just too elitist to see.
#147 - 2025/03/02
#146 - 2025/03/02
is that really fair?
also, are people really capable of change? are people really capable of unconditional love? i don't think so
and therefore, You are unable to be saved. it's a shame, really
#145 - 2025/03/02
#144 - 2025/03/01
#143 - 2025/03/01
#142 - 2025/02/28
It starts being a responsibility and stops being fun.
That's dangerous, isn't it?
#141 -2025/02/28
#140 - 2025/02/26
btw i found a based thing: https://cervidaze.me/essays/what-i-was-taught-about-queerness
this is how i feel about pride events, like they have just become a... "everybody let's have a laugh" event. it's so fustrating when i feel so deeply alienated from society, even from the people who should be "my people" (other Fellow HomosexualsTM), for them to hjust rub it in your face and say "what's wrong? but it's a party, you see! can't you guys even have fun anymore? anyway bye..... erm stop traumadumping!"
#139 - 2024/02/26
and yes, i say this all as a Love Live and Bandori fan. HOWEVER i specifically like the characters and the people who have written them, even though i don't know the writers by name. i don't go around stanning the seiyuu when i don't know anything about them. it is hard to make me respect a person. if i respect you, you are rare. good job (i think?). or maybe bad job, because i think being liked by me is a sign of misfortune to come.
wow i sure had a lot to say today! 4 entires??!?! (there will probalby be more in a mintue) THE ADHD GOES HARD TODAY!
#138 - 2024/02/26
#137 - 2024/02/26
thinking back to that time, it's funny how 2013 is still when like... everyone having the internet was a new thing? and i was just growing up in that era, so it feels normal to me, but it's WEIRD. the 2010s must be weird. but this decade is even crazier. we ruined the internet, but this topic is often talked about already, so it's tiresome and i hate it. i'd rather talk about the GOOD things: like how yeah, the 2000s are now quite a long time ago, but back then, the idea of "recording an animal crossing let's play as a little kid on my ipad" was probably a very novel thing. i'm actually quite glad my parents were Tech-AdvancedTM. i could do things like that.
also speaking of my parents and tech - my mum has suddenly become more privacy-concious? she was talking aobut this with me in the car! it is very interesting... she has become anti-ZUCK. she has realised he SUCKS. well she always knew that, bhut she was ambivolent. now i think she';s watching out for her safety. if she's not careful, she will quickly turn into a Linux Kid. this is very scary. one like equals one copy of windows 11 for poor michael microsoft (he needs the money, he is starving and has been locked in my basement for fifty-five years).
also another lost-media i'm looking for is [REDACTED]. if you know my general personality, and i remind you of That Thing, yes it's that. if you have the archives, if they really exist on a personal drive somewhere out there, GIVE THEM TO ME!!!!! ok that's enough vagueposting about It. now goodnight chat (i say that, but i fully intend on staying up for at least another 30 minutes endlessly reading neocities posts before feeling unfufilled again and UGH i need to figure out what treiggers that!)
oh yeah speaking of Triggers. i sometimes see Therapist Hate online and it's kind of annoying to me. like yes, i hate how people use therapy as a way to dodge actually being kind to people - "you're mad at me? erm you have anger issues. go to therapy and stop traumadumping on me, NERD." but i think it makes sense..? to have therapy as a concept...? i think my therapist is trying to help me figure out my triggers or something? like sure, i could do it on my own, but if you are the kind of person who is sensitive to severe depresive states for a short amount of time, you won't really have the agency to do it on your own (or at least not in my opinion). but that still does not excuse people using therapy as an excuse to be idiots and unempathetic. and of course, at the same time, that doesn't excuse p[eople who blame The Concepot Of Therapy for random people using it as an excuse! neither side is correct here, ebcause they are both extremes!
#136 - 2024/02/26
#135 - 2025/02/26
I don't really understand why people want their romantic partners to "change them for the better" or whatever. If you realise there's a problem with yourself, just fix it...? As soon as you realise the problem, it becomes pretty trivial to fix, right? Why do you need somebody else to do it for you? Weird
This further ties into my romance-repulsedness independance lore.
i like looking at peoples' aromanticism discussions on forums, distantly, without interacting. they are my "looking-glass" friends. i made a bad poem about this now wow fun
#134 - 2025/02/26
im a little confused about mygo's relatiobnship to crychic, like do these people still LIKE crychic? the band members always talk about it like its bad, but then sometimes like it was peak. it's weird. is this show a commentary on like... nostalgia? how back then you were excluded but now you look back saying "it was the best." we never appreciate right now, we just look back and develop mental illnesses over it. like "wow crychic... that was the peak of my life. i can never never never go back" yet when they ACTUALLY think about it, then realise... yueah you never felt included back when you were in that band. maybe the show is actually about how different people have the same perspectives on the past? idk it's kinda vague and not greatly communicated, so i might have to check back and maybe start noting down which characters feel positively about their crychic experiences., it's weird. and a bit hard to put into words, because the vibes i'm getting are VERY complex. and honestly i don't like it, i wish they focused on each character's crychic viewpoint more, and how their new bandmates feel excluded etc etc. like it feels slightly messy, these shows. they're not awful and in fact they are pretty good, but i still have criticisms. or maybe i'm just an analysis & comprehension noob and that's why i don't understand.
#133 - 2025/02/26
i think i had a rant like this to one of my friends before, and it makes me feel so terfy which is VERY BAD because i hate those guys.. like, how do i write this kind of argument in a way that's pro-trans-rights in a legal sense but also thinks the idea of being trans isn't really progressing society in a meaningful way, and just relies on our pre-existing beliefs and reinforces them with fake progressiveness
chat idk.... chat give me 5 bits pls... i need to afford a new gaming chair
#132 - 2025/02/26
#131 - 2025/02/24
Asuka: **ugh*
breaks pencil from stupid writing
Asuka: I want someone to say “you’re some kind of genius, aren’t you” to me.
Asuka: To validate the amount of effort I put in
Asuka: I want them to say it more…
Asuka: I want them to say it more, more, more, more, to the point of insanity
Asuka: Because otherwise
Asuka: I’m just some loser who thinks they’re smart
Asuka: Who sticks to their guns despite being wrong
Asuka: And that’s the exact kind of person I hate the most.
Asuka: Damn it, even the fact that I’m thinking this in the first place proves that I’m some kind of loser who thinks they’re smart!
Asuka: ugh this sucks, i hate my life
poor asuka bro (its all my fault theyre sufering, but if they werent suffering, then they wouldnt be interesting. such is the conundrum of fiction. and i hate that)
#130 - 2025/02/24
#129 - 2025/02/23
#128 - 2025/02/23
why was i cursed with the gift of taking things seriously
what sounds like しっかり (maturity) to one person was actually just しっかり (holding on tightly) ykyk
I really admire how some people have a genuine passion for something.
No, scratch that. It's not admiration, it's jeaolusy
#127 - 2025/02/23
#126 - 2025/02/22
the words cant come out anymore
im also sick of making excuses to my friends of why i dont wanna talk to them or play a game with them. it's literally just because "other hyperfixation rn." i have had this problem for literal years and i just keep LYING about it. i just keep going "uhhh no sleepy sorry" why am i saying im sorry? why do i feel sorry? i shouldnt,. because this is what you sign up for if you try to befriend me. and yet i feel bad, like im not a good enough friend, when maybe the other perosn should just put up with it ????
#125 - 2025/02/17
#124 - 2025/02/17
#123 - 2025/02/16
I said I was going to go play Balatro but then I didn't, because I was looking up "ADHD Depression Boredom" again. Honestly it's probalby that it's all coming from the depression, and I probalby have the depression because all humans are flawed and therefore I have no friends uh-oh
#122 - 2025/02/16
Fiction about how love and peace save everything,
or fiction about peoples' drama and how they fail to accept eachother.
It's boring.
The same tropes are repeated over and over, people write "themes for the readers to ponder" without offering any answers. Because ultimately, there is no answer to the world aside from "peace and love." And the readers know tht already.
Either that, or the writers are too afraid to do anything actually brave and show the readers the correct line of thinking.
I hate how all entertainment is un-entertaining bruh
#121 - 2025/02/16
why must i suffer
i don't want to meet with my band tomorrow, not sure why, it just feels wrong, hmmmmmmmmmmm like there's something else on my mind, some kind of expectation that always falls flat. the "overhyped" effect is literally how i feel about everything right now uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu well time to play balatro its kinda fun maybe
i probably only got triggered cause my undertale playthrough isnt how i imagined it (MY GAME IS BETTER!!! /hj) + my dad told me to stop playing bass because it's late and bass travels through walls........ because being toild what to do seems to be some kind of trigger. which sounds very childish but it's just how i am (for some reason) and i hate it
#120 - 2025/02/16
#119 - 2025/02/16
#118 - 2025/02/16
#117 - 2025/02/16
because i'm severely lonely, even though i'm around other people. i just end up getting angry at them and leaving. but if they suddenly disappeared, i would start longing for them. it's weird. but hatred of others, and lack of kindness, is seen as the world's #1 worst trait - and yet i feel resentment. so that means i'm "the worst person?" i don't really believe that conciously, but subconciously, i might. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
#116 - 2025/02/16
and then i keep thinking i have to like, justify it - isn't the fact that i feel actively unsafe enough on its own? he's so uhhhhh just meanm/negative
#115 - 2025/02/16
in other news, i wrote some slight character drama
#114 - 2025/02/15
#113 - 2025/02/15
in other news, avemujica is good
#112 - 2025/02/15
Other common themes in my dreams: People hating me, running away from stuff, getting lost, computers going wrong, getting jailed, people/pets dying, getting found out and/or unfairly blamed for hiding secrets
#111 - 2025/02/14
review this diary entry a skibidi/10 to get skibidi toilet episode #183 delivered to your front door early
#110 - 2025/02/12
not sure what i'll do INSTEAD of mindlessly reading discord messages, idk. maybe actually write my game for once. crazy, i know
#109 - 2025/02/12
i'm not even talking about major spoilers but i'm talking about like... just mentioning that any character might die at some point in a thing. it's just annoying. i hate it i hate it. i might make a skit about this because it's so stupid. like Callie Splatoon is posting spoilers online and only writes "spoilers teehee" after she wrote the actual thing. like actual malice
Okay, I'm going to be more specific here. I HATE that I have multiple Persona spoilers. Especially because I only started to get them after I started to play P5. Like, god forbid I try to enjoy something with a big fanbase. I mean I might not even like Persona in the first place. I'd prefer that it's NOT a peak series and that I've just been spoiled for moments that are kinda lame, but if it's genuinely something I would have enjoyed, then it makes me indescribably enraged. Like, who says YOU have the right to go around making offhanded jokes about stuff from this series, at the expense of other people? Especially when it's the most ANNOYING kinds of people who usually drop the spoilers. Like, you don't even CARE about the series like I do (/hj on that one), or like I might in the future. If you don't even understand its depths and haven't analysed it to death, you don't understand it like it wants to be understood, you don't even respect the media, so who says YOU have the right to do around desecrating its name by giving spoilers? I'm so angry about this, even though it's basically for no reason considering it's mostly pretty minor spoilers. I think my problem is more that people say they're "fans" of a piece of media without treating it with devotion. No thanks, I'd rather like this game series ALONE if you're gona be annoying about it :(
#108 - 2025/02/12
speaking of drawing, i want to make something genuinely meaningful, rather than just pretty. i have this one idea for asuka (main character of my project bluerevo) with them shaking, holding a gun at a cracked mirror - their self in the cracked mirror has only their X symbolism, while their self in the real world only has their O symbolism. the Xs and Os are a slightly hidden part of their character design that references the japanese school marking system. basically this piece would reflect a distorted state of mind where they see themself as only Xs, so they keep shooting their own reflection, hurting themself. idk something like that. it doesn't really make sense, it just seems cool, that's all. because this doesn't really PROPERLY link up to the bluerevo plot, as asuka is basically ambivolous to everything, rather than actively self-hating.
#107 - 2025/02/12
THIS IS VERY DIRECTED AND I SOUND INSANE LOL BUT I SWEAR I'M NOT INSANE. I'm NOT INSANE IM NOT INSANE IM NOT INSANE IM NOT INSANE-- Hmm
#106 - 2025/02/12
Although, I was starting to think my dreams were getting better overtime - But now are they back to being nightmares? Does this say something about the socioeconomic state of NiiceSpiice's brain?! Honestly, who knows. And quite frankly, who cares.
#105 - 2025/02/11
p.s. trigger discoevered(?) it's probably people making rash judgements of other peoples' characters, especially when it results in impeeding on their freedom. or however you spell that word idk bro
#104 - 2025/02/11
I love Yorushika ThoughtCrime so much but I still don't understand the purpose of art. I seriously hate it. I don't know why. And how am I supposed to write about how I hate writing? This is stupid
I just wait for the answers to come to me, but maybe they can't be answered...? Or maybe I'm too young to decide that yet..? Still, I can't see a logical way out of this. It seems pretty pointless. All art is pointless and it makes me want to destroy all of it, yet it's beautiful, so why---?
erm what the skibidi
#103 - 2025/02/10
i think there is no better time than today to rant about the splatoon splatfests. why does everyone get soooooo mad and debatey over this part of the game? why does everyone complain when one idol's team wins again? literally all sides always complain. you can't win, no matter what team wins - we cannot please everyone. even if i do what you say (e.g. get milj chocolate to win) then someone on another team will always complain. it's so utterly braindead and i'm kinda sick of arguing about this. or, at least sick of arguing when the idols come into it.
i never expected a Fun Video Game Event to end up being so toxic and causing arguments. even if the arguments are minor, it's still... yikes.
at least i have ONE person i can tell my strange philosophies to though!!! kinda!!!
everytone hates me
#102 - 2025/02/09
#101 - 2025/02/07
completely unrelated but i should probably add the afforementioned poetry to this site
#100 - 2025/02/07
#99 - 2025/02/07
Further on this topic - characters arcs. Why do people think all characters need an arc? Why can't we just learn more about them as a story progresses? Life isn't made worthy by its ability to constantly outperform its past self. That's like, very capoitalism-y. IDK. Just a stories thought. I should stop looking at things that make me angry
#98 - 2025/02/07
#97 - 2025/02/07
nah but sseriously i found a few reddit threads saying similar stuff, about getting bored of your friends because you really like them for the first few months but then just go "eh can't be bothered." whenever i make a new friend it's like "wow this is it, this is the one, this is the time i'm finally happy and become accepted" but yet again it crumbles out of my own disinterest/depression/something like that. i just can't bros i can't. 1 like = 1 dopamine.
stay tuned to find out if the meds save me 🙏
#96 - 2025/02/05
I do care about others, but on the other hand, I don't have the energy to care about meaningless niceties and the intracacies of mental warfare.
Well, I say all that, but deep down, I must care. Because when I see your words shedding blue bood a that page, my heart aches.
What.. is the meaning of this..?
Aw dangit I became Asuka again
#95 - 2025/02/05
Tomorrow I'll be doing some programming, which I may or may not document.
But some of this philosophical rambling can most certainly go on The Front Page TM.
#94 - 2025/02/05
Because why do I have nearly 9,000 views? Who is looking at this stuff? WHY are they looking at this stuff? LITERALLY WHAT IS THERE TO SEE HERE? IT'S NOT EVEN THAT AESTHETICALLY-PLEASING, NOR IS THERE ANYTHING REALLY DEEP ASIDE FROM THIS DIARYBOX PAGE!
And further on the topic of this website (so meta bro), I feel really bad for only updating diarybox. It is literally 90% of what I do to this site, meanwhile I let the rest of it rot.
At this point, it's not even part of the site - I literally just use it as a diary, because I can't be bothered to write with (god forbid) a pencil.
So yeah, I feel bad for gaining followers, because all I'm doing is pushing all THIS nonsense to their Neocities inbox. And nobody wants to even hear this, as far as I know. So what am I doing...?
Wait my computer is dying again brb its blackscreening
okay so anyway i just don't feel like i'm a person with enough ContentTM to fill up a whole site, unless i do more philosophical rambling nonsense with no proper backing (like. there is no proper essay with counterpoints. its just me yapping on instinct, which seems selfish and misinformation-y to be posting)
Like I could yap about my opinion on YouTube, or romance, or fandoms, or the nature of stories, but what would I be doing aside from just adding more content for the sake of content?
I guess it would be fun... But wouldn't it be immoral?
chat pls reply
#93 - 2025/02/05
Essentially, it seems to be egotistical character-building. Therapists don't seem to care about the overal morality of the world, because their only job is to make YOU feel better. And for an extreme example, making some dictator of a country feel better isn't going to help improve the country. Sometimes making people feel better can just make everyone else's lives worse.
Once you get a better grasp of yourself through actual introspection (like with me learning to handle that "border between misery and joy" somewhat), as long as you decide not to give up, there's not much a therapist can offer you. Especially considering this:
- Most people who have enough money to afford therapy are appealing enough to have friends
- Either that, or they have money and everyone hates them anyway, because they're arrogant
And if you're arrogant, then therapy is literally pointless, because you have to actually... like the person you're talking to.
Counselling is literally just talking to someone. If you haven't gotten anything out of talking to a friend or to yourself, then I doubt you would get anything out of talking to a therapist.
Aside from false confidence that ultimately hurts others.
#92 - 2025/02/05
#91 - 2025/02/04
#90 - 2025/02/03
I also dislike things trying too hard to be horror and creepy and ARG-y. You know it's just trying so hard to scare me, that it just ends up lacking a hook and/or tension - if you can't believe it's real, and you can't believe it's affecting your favourite fictional characters, then how is it meant to have any effect on me...? I like things that mix the lightness with the dark, because without contrast, the darkness isn't really visible - it's just the only colour that exists. Sorry, clunky wording, but it's true.
Also to be fair I'm just bullying novice writers here, which I am one of, so I am basically just bullying myself if I tried horror. Whoopsie.
#89 - 2025/02/03
#88 - 2025/02/03
i am also very easily excited. for example when people like my yt videos!!!
if i can break out of binary thinking and learn to adapt, that would be useful
#87 - 2025/02/03
Meltdowns can look angry or violent. When they happen in public, people (including law enforcement) can mistreat us, call us slurs, restrain us, or murder us."
It's just that line that really triggers me. I think this is part of the reason why I wanted to become a lawyer in the first place. I hate this feeling of being out of control. That I'm somehow violent. So I took that label of being "hateable" and "wrong" and ran with it (internally, NOT externally).
I decided not to prove myself to everyone and to stop playing their games, so it just makes me even more impossible to explain, which makes me come across as even more violent.
I think the truth is, thinking about out-of-control rare circumstances is just needlessly upsetting doomposting.
Nothing bad will ACTUALLY happen to me, because I'm not actually going to do anything wrong aside from be a minor nuisance. So I don't need to worry.
I think.
Still, it's nice to get a reminder of what one of my major goals is.
Because I'm still looking for a happier day where I can be satisfied by silly things like... uhh... Playing Splatoon 3. And not being worried about some nebulous "future" that'll never come.
#86 - 2025/02/03
I feel like the main theme I want to write about now is "freedom." The BlueRevo cast has never been free. Some of them fight for their own freedom against their oppressors, some of them are trapped by their own expectations, some are just repeating their lives every day and hoping a miracle will save them, and some of them don't even know they're trapped in the first place.
In this world where we're trapped by our own expectations... Can Asuka, this bitter and hypocritical person find a way to escape? Or will they fall like all the others who tried and failed before them?
That's what I want to write. But I'm too incompetent to know how to make Asuka catch peoples' hearts. Plus, the story of "escaping" needs to be an allegory for a way someone could actually escape in real life - and it CAN'T just be the power of friendship, because the point is to write a character who genuinely doesn't believe they love anyone.
How does someone write something so complex without even knowing the answers...? I don't just want the solution to be something off in fantasy, to do with the uhh [redacted for spoilers] situation. Because yeah, they can escape the situation of the BlueRevo school, but then they'll just be thrown into this dystopian world.
Asuka could, perhaps, have some kind of childhood dream that they abandoned due to external pressure - again, they were never FREE to do what they want. They just ended up following orders. Even to enter the school where the game is set, they just got lucky with a suspicious application. They're still being watched - they were invited to this school just for the purpose of watching troublesome people like them. And Asuka knows it too well - so again, they're paralysed.
"If you don't change the world, then who will?"
I think that's the natural point of BlueRevo's story. I mean after all, it's called Blue REVOLUTIONARY for a reason. If everyone just sits still paralysed, they'll never be free. They're holding on to their lives, and therefore, their lives never change.
Now, what actions could Asuka do to actually, tangibly be free? Manipulation? Murder?
However, I feel as if I have come closer to the truth. And that's all I can ask for, really.
#85 - 2025/02/03
#84 - 2025/02/01
#83 - 2025/01/27
No matter how many lines I write on this topic, it'll never be enough to truly explain my feeling. I guess lyrics is the best option... Although I've already written lyrics about it, and I haven't turned them into proper songs yet. I have been on a music break for a while now, but I don't want to quit, but also everything I do compositionally either sucks or is super unoriginal/derivative of my previous works. Help
Niicespiice out (why did I write that)
#82 - 2025/01/27
However, I persevered. And this is the one thought I have to come out of it:
What is romance, if not a lie perpetrated by the card industry to sell more cards? /hj
#81 - 2025/01/26
i think i've said this in private to a couple of people, but not on this page actually: most people are extremely boring and i don't get the point of "the power of friendship" if it's just boring surface-level "i love you and you love me too" nonsense. it's just not interesting. i want someone with a strong belief system and dreams. i can still interact with others, but eventually i grow tired of their short-lived gimmicks and have to move on /hj
so yeah, even though the interactions themselves aren't that good, i still like the feeling of genuinely mattering.
especially the feeling of mattering above others, for some reason. bceause i want to be "special" or smth
perhaps the niicespiice narcissism theory is true (it's not, probably)
#80 - 2024/01/26
Please don't mislead me with your fake optimism. "You are not alone" is obvious, it's not the reason why I'm depressed - I'm depressed because no matter where I go, I get sick of it. That's it. I'm not depressed because I think everyone secretly hates me, or that I'm worthless - in fact, I'm the opposite. You could call me an "egoist" and it wouldn't be far from the truth. So don't build people up, saying things like "you are important too," just to turn your back and clown on them once you find out they did something selfish. Think about your actions before being a "nice guy" or something like that. IDK.
I'm not even in a particularly depressed mood right now - I'm relatively hopeful - it's just... Seeing these kinds of things online (hypocritical remarks) really triggers a bad response in me. Not sure why. But luckily, it usually goes away.
Of course, it "usually going away" isn't to say that "it's okay." I think these two things are often conflated - it can still suck and be an annoying trait to have, while not having it being completely debilitating, ykyk?
Essentially: I'm sick, but not dead. (metaphorically, at least. who knows how much malnutrition i have! :P XD UwU rofl )
#79 - 2024/01/26
#78 - 2024/01/23
#77 - 2024/01/23
#76 - 2024/01/23
#75 - 2024/01/23
#74 - 2024/01/23
(from game development)
#73 - 2024/01/22
#72 - 2024/01/22
#71 - 2024/01/22
#70 - 2024/01/22
i'm a person who "wants to change the world," but i'm kind of a coward, and i don't know what i'm doing. i'm not a fictional character who can have an arc perfectly inkeeping with the themes of the story, no, i would probably just do something randomly drastic and then everyone would get mad and then i'd just apologise and it'd go back to normal. isn't that odd? hmmm
'cause when i try new things, i'm filled with a sense of hope. the things i don't have, i hope for them. but once i do, somehow they turn boring? i find out that they're actually L un-sigma gaming? uuuuu
but i don't really see other people similar to me. i think i'm too "special" for my own good. like, quirky or whatever. i've never really been bullied for it, because i've never been to school so i'd never know, but i've only ever been distantly loved for it. there's never been something i deeply deeply deeply connect with. but maybe that kind of thing doesn't exist. maybe nobody ever "deeply deeply deeply" connects with anything, aside from themself. but it seems like everyone has these cheesy romance routes and they act like it's a video game, they don't treat their partner like a human, they treat them like fiction. it's annoying. i don't even think i'm aroace anymore ( i know , crazy shocker ) because i'm pretty sure i experience some sort of infatuation that removes my right to use the aroace label, but i have never had a genuine long connection that i still have a positive opinion of. over time, i just get sick of them and want to move on. and yet, i'd be sad if THEY were the one to unfriend me. i just get bored. people are too consistent and predictable. why can't anyone be insane /hj
random thing: i have kept thinking i should become an internet hermit as in, never connect to the internet again. i don't know if i would be happier that way. check back in 3 months and see if i am gone (i probably won't be, because that would be sad, like giving up on my nonexistent fanbase)
another random thing - i need to redo this diarybox page and make it... actually make sense.
i am a passionate unpassionate pasionate person who has so many passions that they don't exist anymore and it's like
anything i truly desire, truly want, THAT's the thing i can't get. but the tiny things, those are the things i get, those are the things i can be, and it's bizzare. i'm not sure if i'm depressed anymore, either? i wouldn't say i'm the one who's disordered. it's more like everyone ELSE is disordered and i'm the only sane one. of course, that's something an insane person would say. oh no. mentall illness revealed.
but nah i probably have "BPD" which is somehow a disorder. but i don't want to accept that because, that means i can't "get better." it means i'm stuck distant for my whole life. i guess that makes for a good "tragic famous person" though, huh?
in fact, for a lot of my time on this earth, i have wanted to be famous. but now, i don't. because it's too much effort.
i also hate "social nicetieis" like pointless conversations etc etc.
this is so unstructued at this poiint. like genuinely what is bro yapping about
the adhd is crazy in this post, hope you enjoyed(?)
#69 - 2024/01/22
even at the cost of our own safety?
why do i have to be "protected" against my will?
it's been like this my whole life, because i'm too young to understand
no matter how much i grow up, or no matter how skilled or intelligent or whatever whatever whatever i am, i will never be free, because you can't escape these patronising idiots who have a false sense of "love" that's just a selfish sense of wanting to think they're "kind" because they get an ego boost
#68 - 2024/01/21
#67 - 2024/01/21
#66 - 2024/01/18
Isn't it invalidating to go around saying, "anyone who wants to copy is an evil thief?" Like if you wanted to steal a piece of jewlery because you think it's pretty... to the point of risking your livelihood to steal it and not get caught... Is there a greater act of love than that?
To expect people to "play by the rules" and condemn them for wanting to steal to express their hearts, without giving them any better alternative... Aren't you just being a worse police?
I really need to put this into my story, huh.
Because I came to the realisation that other peoples' "writing advice" can't dictate how I write.
I just have to write it. And that's the end of it.
Because, while there's nothing I can do to turn off my empathy for other people (except desensitise myself by looking at horrible things which I WILL NOT DO), that doesn't mean I have to do everything these strangers say... Because they're all contradicting eachother, anyway.
My point about "theft of ideas" is this:
Ideas are infinitely replicable.
As well as that, ideas are also limited.
There are only a limited amount of new ideas to birth into this world.
And so, by birthing an idea and claiming it as your own copyrighted work, you are taking that idea away from another. And that idea becomes... "yours."
Except, what if someone else already had that idea 10 years ago? What about 20? What about 50? What about, someone else had the same idea as you, 500 years ago? When does that idea expire?
In my opinion, originality doesn't exist. Not because "you are unoriginal and unremarkable," but quite the contrary - Because "I came up with this original idea first" doesn't exist, each of our "heartbeats" are equally valid. Each feeling is full and complete, not to be important over another.
When you go around claiming your feelings - these pieces of art that are meant to be "individual expressions" - you're attemping to steal those feelings from another.
How are you any better than the people you claim to be "thieves of intellectual property?"
You made someone elses' feelings and expressions wrong, simply by claiming as your own before they could.
And because of that, you made them subhuman, less valid than you - you condemned them for having the same idea as you, or seeing your idea and thinking "that's more eloquent than I could have put it. I want this to become part of me now."
I seriously don't get it
But I also can't explain it any better than that
I hope that one day I can, but until then, I'll feel unsatisfied
P.S. If anyone's still reading this, DM me on Discord @niicespiice plssssssssssssssssssssssss ohhhh pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssseeeeeeee
#65 - 2024/01/18
top-grade honors student,
funny how that turns out
that the brightest flame is always
the first one to burn out
like and subscribe if you agree that this is the peakest thing ever
#64 - 2024/01/17
#63 - 2024/01/17
#62 - 2024/01/12
Sorry, this sounds kinda pretentious, doesn't it...? uhhhh byebye
#61 - 2024/01/12
tangent over, here's the message
gender is stated to NOT be a scale from male-female. which is fair enough but, if gender isn't just "a scale from male to female" then literally what is the point of it? why create new genders that are based around other identities when you can just throw away the whole "gender" label, identify as "ungendered" and instead create a more meaningful self around the thing you actually cre about
i'm not against people "identifying as catgender" for example, i'm literally only against it because you put Gender on the end. if you want to be a cat or similar to a cat then do that, but just dis-gender it pls. then i would like it LOL
me when the friend is so woke that they end up looping off the scale ane coming back on the other end as un-woke /hj
#60 - 2024/01/11
#59 - 2024/01/10
#58 - 2024/01/07
#57 - 2024/12/31
#56 - 2024/12/31
I have been very ill today/yesterday and despite being very tired, I'm struggling to sleep because ADHD. I'm going to go back to my YouTube addiction so I'm less bored. (I need background noise)
I hope for my ADHD medication
Another thing but I feel very bad about not being progressive enough, even though i probably am. very weird. it's imposter syndrome. i just don't feel like i fit in with others
#55 - 2024/12/29
#54 - 2024/12/28
Like when people have "work friends," "family friends," or even "fans."
Because at the end of the day, aren't these all just... people? Am I mad for saying that?
Like of course you see them all as people. But then you fail to treat them equally. You exclude them from certain activities because "that's not what that category of person should do" (i.e. work friends shouldn't come to family gatherings, fans shouldn't message their idols).
But the point of an idol is to reach their fans, and a work friend is still a friend. So why are they different types of people? I don't understand. This makes me angry and I don't wanna think about it! :(
It's like you're not even trying to care about people because of some imagined category.
and it's not necessarily "An Autistic ThingTM" because my autistic friend doesn't see it the same way
also, I haven't seen anyone yet who agrees with me on this, so if you do agree (or disagree and can eloquently explain why), DM me @niicespiice Discord
#53 - 2024/12/28
Still, it's crazy to me that most antishippers are under 18 and most proshippers are over 18. To me, it feels like the roles should be reversed there... Like it's the adults trying to "protect the kids." Somehow it's the other way round. Honestly, I'm kind of glad it's the other way round, because it kinda means I'll grow out of overprotective spaces. Still, it's a weird phenomenon to me.
#52 - 2024/12/28
so yeah all in all i've decided that the "basic dni criteria" sites are stupid and i might put "dni if you put basic dni criteria in your bio" /hj.
what does it mean to "ship" something? i tried talking to some friends and they failed to explain. BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE... but i also hate the idea that anything that isn't fluffy or "Their kind of angst in a very specific style with queer undertones" is "wrong." like... guys.... it's fiction...... bad things are allowed to happen....... and also if fiction truly is "the greatest form of human expression" then obviously there's gonna be stuff you don't agree with.
also what's up with "antishippers" usually being teenagers, and yet being against teenager/teenager sexual ships? i don't get that? why would you be purposefully oppressing yourself? or is there something i'm missing here (i hhaven't really lookied into this)
rant over yiuppe, congrats for reading through all that nonsense. i just needed to get this vent out of my system bro (THERE WILL BE MORE LATER PROBABLY)
#51 - 2024/12/27
#50 - 2024/12/22
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#44 - 2024/12/11
edit: yeah this "overowkring personality" is also like.... selfhating and othershating? in the past, i've seen people who look up to famous people but then don't wanna become famous themselves as dumb people. dumb people with no aspirations. but honestly it's kind of wise, i guess. i always try/tried to follow every instruction to"achieve a goal" and ended up hating it. why can't i just play and have fun? i hate competitiveness yet i do it again and again, without noticing uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
however, even if i just changed my attitude and not the actual actions i'm doing (like i continued to make my minecraft server but just more fun-oriented and less goal-oriented) then it could be better. maybe? maybe i should ask a Pro here.
edit again: extra update on "kinlist". because ykyk this is so important. Hikawa Sayo, Arima Kana, Hoshino Ai, Mafuyu/Kanade/Mizuki, Monika (ddlc), Heanna Sumire
#43 - 2024/12/11
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#35 - 2024/11/30
#34 - 2024/11/30
me: it looks kind of ai-generated though
tan: because i put it through an enhancer
tan: your logo is great, I just don't like purple
and no, this logo isn't "ai generated". the only AI part was when I put it through an upscaler
that part was done by AI
i can't be asked to draw 90% of the time
but desperate times calls for desperate measures
had to charge the tablet
it was almost dead
but luckily it recharges fast
you can consider the upscaling ai generated
And there ARE more bad things he's done but I don't need to list them here because I think you get the gist (I can do it if you really ask nicely guys)
#33 - 2024/11/29
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#29 - 2024/11/26
but i can't sleep, not until i'm satisfied with this day, and i still haven't done the writing i wanted to.
well also again on that - if you make all your characters gender or sexuality nonspecific then that's different. because it's a philosophy of "i don't think these things matter." i also wouldn't really mind if all the characters were gay if you didn't make it a big deal, y'know? it just feels like... you only dislike discrimination because it's against you and your friends. so you shout about it and scream about how you're in pain, by making heroic characters just like you. and then you block out the rest of the world and forget about their perspectives, you forget to write them.
imagine if someone did that to you.
it just feels... closed-minded?
i think that's part of the problem here. but i'm also just jealous that you guys can accept yourselves and i can't.
and i think it goes even deeper than that but it's midnight uuhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu cant sleep dont want to sleep not until im done
#28 - 2024/11/26
But still, I want to be in a band, don't I? I want to be a thief.
So a thief I'll be, I guess.
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