"Messy Poem"

DESCRIPTION: i wrote a bunch of things on my mind, particularly stemming from the idea of "i feel the need to list every single thing i've ever enjoyed, so that someone else who enjoys them will contact me with how much they reciprocate loving them too." as if people would actually read my fandom list... it's pointless trying to explain why i like these pieces of media on a list like that. i think the problem here is trying to get validation on social media sadly (that's the problem that EVERYTHING comes back to, isn't it?). not really proud of this one though, because it's just thoughtspillage. about 50% of my writing is this way but i'm more proud of the thought-through ones. this doesn't have a proper idea/.message

i'm always looking for the approval of others
and so i hold anxiety in my heart, waiting
i want them to say my heart is full of colours
because i don't believe it myself

i've alwasy been left behind without a single word
so i believed that screaming my heart louder would make itu nderstood
my fingers, covered in scars of my own creation
are starting to write out another poem on the wall

but it's never reciprocated

i'm always looking for the smiles of others
and so i tell lies in a lousy attempt
i wish someone would do the same for me too but
i guess it's too good to be true

i've always been ignored without a single mention
any slight compliment gets my heart racing
ah, i've got such low standards it's crazy, and yet
when you ignore me again, what's this burning in my chest?

i want to hit your stupid face as you avert your gaze
how ignorant are you being?
did you think that if you just left it up to others,
then your problems would be resolved? what an idiot

another bystander playing to the crowd;
how ignorant you have been
did you think that if you just leave things up to fate
that the unlucky people would be okay?

i'm always looking for the approval of others
so i hold anxiety close to my chest
i want to see this world full of colour so
i hold on to the smallest slivers i get

but it's a waste of time, listing everything good about me
i just look like an egomaniac, don't i?
fandom-hopping once again, needing to announce it
i've become selfish just like you. it's becoming stupid

no matter what i do, what i give will never be taken
you right now, hearing these words
what are you planning to do with them?